Author Topic: Sept 28th - Chaos - Oathbound, This Better Be The Final Draft  (Read 1048 times)

Chaos

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Sept 28th - Chaos - Oathbound, This Better Be The Final Draft
« on: September 29, 2009, 12:36:46 AM »
With extra snappiness to dialogue, and possibly greater subtext.

This final revision is for Writers of the Future, which has its deadline in (eek!) two days. To say this was a rush job is an understatement. So I fully expect there to be missing verbs, and lordy, if there's a truncated paragraph like there was in my last submission, shoot me now ;)

Rest assured, I do not want you to grind through the line-edit level stuff if you are horribly busy. I fully plan to a thorough read-aloud later tonight, but I thought it would be more helpful to get some eyes on it.

Thank you for your help! I owe you guys!

Please be as excruciatingly hateful as possible! :D Though judging by the other versions, I doubt this will be an issue.
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Recovering_Cynic

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Re: Sept 28th - Chaos - Oathbound, This Better Be The Final Draft
« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2009, 03:00:03 AM »
Heya Chaos,

Okay, so I just finished reading, and there's only one section that I think really needs some polishing.  It's the reveal where we find out Hassan is Rashne.  Here it is:

Quote
The sands undulated violently, forming a screeching, discordant noise. “Silence!”
   “This Prison is here because this thing is a traitor,” Hassan hissed. “It deserves no trust.”
   “You understand nothing of that!” Anarax bellowed.
   “What's to say he wasn't lying about who killed Samira?” Rashne’s Oaths weren’t powerless…
   “Curse you,” the god said.
   Hassan’s body stiffened. “None of the promises he made would do anything. Freed, he would kill us first thing.”
   “You lie, Rashne,” Anarax snarled.
   “What?” I asked. Rashne?
   “You know full well I cannot free myself,” Anarax said. “Not without death.”
   As Hassan stared into the sea of divinity, with such hate, I knew. I’d been fooled this whole time. “Hassan? You, you’re Rashne!?”

I think the line that threw me was "Rashne's Oaths weren't powerless..."  I was so busy trying to puzzle that one out that I missed Anarax calling Hassan Rashne.  This whole portion, along with the part leading up to it, was just a bit too cryptic for me.  Before you go crazy trying to fix it though, you might get a second opinion.

Best of luck!
this is the way the world ends,
not with a bang, but a whimper
~T.S. Eliot

ryos

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Re: Sept 28th - Chaos - Oathbound, This Better Be The Final Draft
« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2009, 07:53:16 AM »
(This critique was originally emailed to the author, due to deadline constraints and TWG being down.)

Hm. You're getting warmer. At this point I can't be certain my readings of previous drafts aren't coloring my perception of the story, but I've tried to view this submission in isolation as much as I can.

The Good
- The legendary feel is sorta, kinda back. I still believe this a great strength afforded by your choice of setting that you ought to exploit. I know you disagree, so I won't push too hard on that point. :)

- Anarax feels much more devious, wily, and dangerous. For the first time, I see that there is a reason why he is imprisoned.

- All of the characters' motivations are more believable.

The Bad
- Samira's fall at least now makes sense, but it also feels like a cop out. She no longer needs a plausible motivation for essentially committing suicide because, this time, the devil made her do it.

There are two things that bother me about this. First, it weakens the story because it essentially destroys any power her character has; there must be some other element that is bolstered by this decision to make up the loss, but I don't see it. Veresh doesn't even really seem to care when he finds out; I would expect him to be devastated, or furious, or *something* more than "Oh, that's a relief."

Second, Samira is guilty of no crime. She did not commit adultery, for she made no choice. There is no guilt without agency, and Samira is just a puppet on a string. Therefore, why should Rashne be Oathbound to kill her for a crime she did not commit?

- I still feel you started just a bit too late. The main reason I say this is that I would have liked at least one extra scene at the beginning to help establish Veresh's character. As it is, you're having to try and establish his character and the setting, and the world at a time in the story when you should be building to a climax. It's a bit much, and it feels forced. It slows down the pacing and draws the reader out, just when we ought to be sucked in.

- All of the interactions between Hassan and Veresh felt forced. This is one part rough draft and two parts necessity—you must cram so much in this short space that it's a wonder it's as smooth as it is.

- I felt the exposition was a bit overdone. Too explained. I put emphasis on I felt, because I'm not entirely certain I'd feel the same if this were the first draft of the story that I'd seen. Hopefully there's an Oathbound virgin in the audience who can confirm or deny.

- The ending isn't doing it for me. First of all, it's a bit incoherent and doesn't make a lot of sense. It feels rushed. And...wait for it...it's a bit weak, too. There's no life in it. Just, "Oh, well, okay, I guess I'm screwed. No biggie." When Veresh himself does not care, I subconsciously question why I should care, and I go away with a bland feeling for the story. Such stories are quickly forgotten.

Urgh. I'm having trouble expressing myself. Am I making any sense at all?

The Huge, Ugly Plot Hole

Quote
My godhood contained enough strength to both slam through the Prison and destroy the Oath of Divinity. With that gone, my consciousness would end, just like Anarax's had.

Well, um, great! Anarax could have committed suicide by himself at any time. No need to involve any mortal at all. No need for the story to ever even take place.

Err, yeah.  :-[
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RavenstarRHJF

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Re: Sept 28th - Chaos - Oathbound, This Better Be The Final Draft
« Reply #3 on: September 29, 2009, 10:32:26 PM »
Ok, I've got to agree with ryos on most of what he said.

You're getting there, but you're not there yet.  I have to say, what I noticed the most with this installment was the little things.  Little bits of phrases and reasoning that sounded like they'd come from previous drafts and didn't quite fit with this newest incarnation.  I will email you details.

Honestly, I know you want to get this finished and out, but I think you can do it better.  As it stands... it needs work.  This installment felt very much like a hodge-podge of all the others, and not just because I've read all the other installments (...I think).

Veresh's reasoning is all over the place.  He wants answers.  No, he wants to die... no, actually he wants to become a god (and here I found myself thinking, "why?  how is that going to help?")  Before, there was a reason for him assuming god-hood, namely, to gain the power to take his revenge.  But now, there's no one to take revenge against, because Rashne didn't betray him this time, this time he was a good guy.  And Veresh just helped Anarax, who turned out to be behind it all, to escape further punishment.  Also the end was bland.  I definitely agree with Ryos there- there's just reason to care about it at that point.

There are promising pieces here.  I think you can make this new incarnation work- much better than any of the others.  But- and this is only a suggestion- I think you need to open up a completely new document and start writing the story from scratch.  Don't cut and paste, don't refer back to the originals.  Take the backbone of what you have here: Anarax subtly influencing Samira, Rashne killing her, Veresh's mind torn apart by the lack of answers.  Start writing there, and see what happens.
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Chaos

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Re: Sept 28th - Chaos - Oathbound, This Better Be The Final Draft
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2009, 06:57:33 AM »
Thank you guys so much! Your comments were really helpful for adding a little touch more emotion into the piece. And now, after six drafts, I'll do a good ol' read-through tomorrow and send this sucker off.
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Oh SNAP, I'm an Allomancer.