Author Topic: 31 August - Concord - Chs 7-9  (Read 1251 times)

Flo_the_G

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31 August - Concord - Chs 7-9
« on: August 31, 2009, 06:26:27 PM »
I'll combine these numbered sections I've been calling "chapters" into proper chapters somewhere along the line, and I think these three would fit together quite nicely. Anyway, do your worst, I know you want to.

westwriter

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Re: 31 August - Concord - Chs 7-9
« Reply #1 on: September 01, 2009, 02:53:10 PM »
I just read these new chapters and I like what I've read so far.  I haven't read the previous chapters, but I got caught up quickly.  I will submit more thoughts this afternoon.
"I limit my writing to those few moments each day when my insanity goes on a smoking break."      greg

RavenstarRHJF

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Re: 31 August - Concord - Chs 7-9
« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2009, 02:29:01 AM »
Pretty good, as far as it goes. 

I'm happy that Juno, at least, had the foresight to try and escape while gravity wasn't a problem (seems to me you can get away with a lot if you don't have to worry about sticking to the floor).  I actually wondered about that when it was first revealed that gravity would be gone for the duration.  I expected the sergeant? to push off the floor and try to tackle her while the lack of gravity presumably takes her mind off things, but if they all experience varying degrees of motion sickness, it makes sense that he doesn't.  It also makes sense that she does because she doesn't.  If that last sentence made sense... :P

Anyway... You implied that there was as much as six hours or more between when she escapes (the ship comes out of jump), and when she shows up at Von Bredow's door.  But... she captures the private in the first two hours after her escape and at that point tells him to take her to whoever's in charge.  It shouldn't take six hours for them to navigate the ship.

I'm especially intrigued by the medicine and what all it does.  I hope the imperials have the sense to analyze what they've confiscated- it'd probably give them a rough estimate of her powers.

Good job!  Looking forward to more. :)
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Silk

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Re: 31 August - Concord - Chs 7-9
« Reply #3 on: September 04, 2009, 06:01:31 AM »
Other than line-level stuff (I noticed a surplus of adjectives, but I'll send you an email about that boring stuff) I didn't really have a whole lot to say. I think my only problem was the same one Raven brought up--I'm not too sure how much time has passed. It felt, reading it, like a very short amount of time, and a couple of the references you made to time in there felt jarring. And yeah, I'm not sure it should have taken six hours for her to get through all that.

That's... about all I have for you, I'm afraid. Maybe I'll do better next time :P

Flo_the_G

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Re: 31 August - Concord - Chs 7-9
« Reply #4 on: September 07, 2009, 09:42:44 PM »
Woah, I totally missed that time-discrepancy.

I did sort of plan to add in at least one other scene in that general area, to better convey that a bit of time has passed. But I'll probably just change the reference in von Bredow's chapter, that's not even necessary.

Do you think I maybe should have begun Juno's part earlier, i.e. directly with her escape from the brig?

By the way, excellent edits once again, Silk. I knew there was something off with that first chapter, I just couldn't put my finger on it. ::)

ryos

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Re: 31 August - Concord - Chs 7-9
« Reply #5 on: January 25, 2010, 11:50:51 PM »
My main issue with this section was, how was a physically untrained 16-year-old girl able to out run 11 marines in top form, even with her head start? The manner of her escape doesn't seem very plausible to me.

Also implausible is her demand to be taken to the captain. I was thinking she'd demand to be taken to her launch (you had some fancy nautical term for it, but I've forgotten that already :P). Or an escape pod, or *something* to get her off the ship, as I'd imagine ought to be her primary concern. What did she plan to do with the captain? I honestly can't think of anything that might have some possibility of succeeding, even to the mind of a terrified teenaged girl.

Other than that, this is probably your strongest section thus far. Good job. :)
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