Aug 24-Frog-DR-Chp 4&5

[Frog]

Show no mercy, take no prisoners and all of that jazz.

[ErikHolmes]

Chapter 4:

Good stuff!

I like how Aishia uses the Djinn for simple stuff that a kid would want. I also like Raven's smart mouth.

I thought some of your descriptions were really nice in this chapter. Like the skinny guy looking like a turtle.

Two things seemed off to me:

Kylta glared. “That’s slang. They’re called Elbans and Sprites.” 

Lose 'That's slang'. It really struck me as sounding off.

This paragraph:

“They are called guardians,” Kylta said sharply as if the word ‘pet’ was an insult. “They protect and serve the bearers and yes, they all have one. Well, most of them do anyway. Illian’s dragonet, Dan’s doppelganger, Colm’s werebeast, Rictor’s kirate, Diana’s-” she counted them all out on her hand when there was a sudden crack and a woman appeared in front of the first temple; Time. A large red bird swooped at them, crying out in flames and Aishia saw the woman, hunched over and covered with blood, was carrying someone in her arms.

I think for one it might work better as two paragraphs. And I just don't think it describes whats happening that well. I'm thinking that a woman has just teleported in, carrying a wounded person, and that the womans phoenix flew away from her when she did, but its not real clear.

God stuff though!

[ErikHolmes]

Chapter 5:

Not a lot to comment on this one. I liked it, and didn't see anything that stuck out.

About the only comment I have is that the ending seemed abrupt. I think maybe I was wanting to see Aishia's reaction to Kylta's statement.

Keep up the good work!

Ps. Whats the age group you are shooting for? I can almost see this a middle grade. Is that what you are going for?

[Frog]

Thanks for getting through it. YA is what I am shooting for, but I'm not too worried about labeling it so much at this point; just telling the story I want to tell and letting the chips fall where they may. If you think it could be middle grade, that's a good thing for me to know. 

[ErikHolmes]

I think East by Edith Pattou is MG, at least, my 10 yr old loved it. I think she'd like your book too so hurry up and get it published!

[Recovering_Cynic]

Okay, somehow your story got sorted to my junk box...

*avoids making any kind of insinuation about this accident* 

I'll read it tonight and give feedback.

[Recovering_Cynic]

Hiya Frog,

So I just sent you my nitpicky comments and what not by email, so I am only posting my overall impression here.  So, I think I figured out what was wrong with these two chapters and I will sum it up in one word: blah.

Nothing really happens.  Nothing sinister.  Nothing funny.  Nothing adventurous.  Nothing that made me want to keep turning the pages.  What you have here is a lot of exposition, but it is 19 pages of exposition.  There needs to be somethingn mixed in that captures the reader's attention and makes them really really want to know what will happen on the next page.   

Some thoughts on spicing it up: The scene where she comes in with the injured boy, it is treated as though it is no big deal.  You can dramatize it so much more.  The spying scene, there is no feeling that they will get in real trouble for doing this and it doesn't even feel sneaky because they tell one of the teacher's pets that they are doing it.  The Genie, nothing really interesting happens with it this time, where as in the past he has been a compelling character.

Anyway, those are three areas where you could spice things up and make these few chapters shine a bit more.   Best of luck.

[Frog]

Thanks for getting it out of the junk folder and spending so much time on it, especially since I seemed to have bored you. Full points. 

[Recovering_Cynic]

I wouldn't say you bored me.  Had I actually been reading the book, I would have given it at least one or two more chapters, but it was dragging some.  If nothing happened soon... well, then I might have ditched for something more interesting.

In this chapter, she is seeing a magical university (pleasedon'tdoharrypotterpleasedon'tdoharrypotter) for the first time, so nothing really needs to happen as long as you manage to capture a sense of wonder and novelty.  As things stand, the chapters consist of Aishia wandering around looking at statutes and making snarky comments about the guide.  I don't know about you, but I find most tours of new places boring, useful if I need to get around, but boring.

[Frog]

Are you saying that you think that any book that has schooling is Harry Potter? I mean, most books with teenagers have some of those conflict elements because that is what the audience is doing. I can tell you that my book isn't HP, but that could be a matter of opinion depending on how high your standards and level of angst against the similarities are.

It was more important that you understand the basics of the theology and magic system. I'm not about to give you a tour of the main building or anything. It's okay if it bored you. I mean, I don't write horror or thrillers, but I want to do the best I can to keep it interesting so I appreciate your honesty so I can see if I can fix it. If I can find a better way to do it, it will happen.

[Recovering_Cynic]

The whole Harry Potter thing is a personal preference--do not dodge that niche genre because of me.  J.K. is a very rich woman because she did it, and did it well.  If you can resonate with your readers who happen to be going to school as well and therefore manage to sell tons of books and make heaps of money, well, more power to you frog.

Don't let us, um, cynics stop you from making money

[Frog]

Wow, you must have a very poor opinion of the genre if you think I am only jumping on the band wagon to make 'heaps of money.' I already have a job that makes me money. I honestly want the book the best it can be because I love it. Unfortunately we only have the feeble mind of a frog to work with while writing, but we all do the best we can. I doubt very much that it will be a number one knock out, but since that really isn't the goal, it doesn't bother me.

[Recovering_Cynic]

Nooooo!  Frog, I'm sorry if that's the impression I gave off.  I was only trying to say that the magical school niche genre thing has a viable and avid audience and that you shouldn't let any nay-sayers (i.e. me) deter you from writing the book you want to or from writing in a genre that has an established audience. 

[Frog]

No, just making conversation and chatting because I can. If I had a problem with cynics, I would never have sent it out. None of it is going to stop me from writing as I see it as all part of the fun.

[Silk]

If Frog had a problem with cynics, she and I wouldn't have managed to coexist in the same writing group for this long.

Anyway, my comments. Not much, I'm afraid... I'm having an off-week?

Raven's dialect is bugging me a bit. Particularly the "wot" thing. It just seems a little forced.

I'm not sold on the genie's dialogue, either--this is after Aishia comes back to her room. He just sounds, well, almost like a little kid at times.

I just realized I still don't actually know how old Aishia is, unless I missed it. She seems rather young in these couple chapters... I've pegged her at around 13.

I have to agree with RC. I won't say I was bored, exactly, but I didn't feel like I was getting the forward motion out of it that I wanted. I was originally going to say that I wanted a hint of what the larger story ws about by this point, but you do give us--well, a small hint at least in the spying scene, so that's not the problem (or not all of it).

I think RC is right; it's not that there's no tension in these scenes, or no potential for it, it's just that you've missed the opportunity by not hamming it up some.