Aug. 24 Heroes of the Necrowar Ch 1&2

[westwriter]

Here's the place to let me know if you'll keep reading if I keep typing.

[ErikHolmes]

Nice stuff!

I've found both chapters to be very interesting so far. I liked the Wild Tender and I'm interested to find out about the boy from the caves.

About the only thing that threw me off in this chapter was the fact that he all of a sudden had a puppy in his pocket. I'd at least give a hint about it in chapter one.

Speaking of chapter one. I think you made some good improvements in it as well.

Nice work!

[Frog]

Thoughts While Reading:
I am noticing some minor grammar things, but really it is much better. Just try to shorten sentences and paragraphs with action and trade some of the -ing words for something more active and concise.

He risked a look back over his shoulder, so he wasn caught off guard when more arms emerged from the tunnel walls on both sides of him. 

wasn't

Will pushed the boy slowly toward the screechers and they shyed away

shied

The feeling disapperared and he opened his eyes again. 

disappeared

Great corrections/progress! Chp two...

Hm... I don't remember there being a puppy....

I am noticing a few sections of info-dump type breaks that could be trimmed, like when you first describe Melor. And this:

It was without a doubt the worst thing he had ever tasted.

telling.

His throat clenched up and refused to let anything else go down.  His eyes felt lik they were going to pop out or just melt.

showing. Usually you want to go with the second option, not both.

The man was tall and skinny, but he was as stong as an ox.

  strong

Will was thankful now for the mud they had crawled through.  It was drying on their clothes now, helping them blend and disappear.

Words like 'now' are usually unnecessary.

Overall Impression:
Good stuff.  Biggest concerns at this point is that your narration seems a tad too heavy which ruins some of the tension, especially when they first meet Melor. Other then that, it was mostly just nit picky stuff so I'll just agree with Erik. You need to tell us about the puppy earlier and your corrections are doing you credit. And yes, I would keep reading if you kept typing.

[Recovering_Cynic]

Okay, so I just finished chapter one, so I'll comment on that first.  I like the improvements!  Everything fits much better now, although there is one thing that I wish had remained the same.  In the first version, didn't will successfully harvest at least one mushroom without getting caught?  I think that's how I remember it, and I liked it better that way.  It gives us a chance to know will a little before all the running and yelling starts.  A glowing magic mushroom is more than enough to keep a reader entertained before the craziness with the screechers begins. 

There are also a few instances where you violate the "show and don't tell" rule.  For example, you say that the screecher opened its mouth like a snake about to eat "a big meal."  Give us an example, e.g. swamp rat, giant toad, etc.  Next, you say that will realized that "big trouble" had arived.  Well, show us its big trouble; describe Will's reaction so that we know it's big trouble without having to be told.

Other than that, the dialogue portion between the two is better, but should still use some clean up.  The story gets a bit stilted there where you transition from your revision back to the original and vice versa.  You could probably tighten it up fairly easily however.

Other than that, a great revision!

[Recovering_Cynic]

Chapter two!

I second the suggestion that there needs to be some clue that Will has a dog in his pocket while in the caves (if indeed, that was the case).  Perhaps the dog could give him away to the ghosts?

Also, these chapters are awefully short.  When you make the book, will you keep the divisions like they are, or divide them up further?

Okay, one other thing.  You use the generic term "pod" to describe magic potions/enchantments.  I'm not sure if that works for me.  Can you think of a better way of describing it?  Calling everything a "pod" seems kinda like a cop-out.

I really don't have too many other comments or suggestions, although I"m sure someone will say something that jogs my memory or gives me further thoughts. 

[westwriter]

Thanks for the comments!
Good call on the wolf pup.  I wrote it thinking the wolf was waiting in the brush at the bottom of the falls, but that would be awfully convenient.  i will rework that somehow.
The pods are central to the story.  These people are alchemists and all of their creations come in the form of chewable pods (kinda' like big pieces of bubble gum)
Going to continue to rework showing vs. telling.

[Silk]

I don't know anymore about what Will was doing in the cavern than I did in the last version, but I didn't  really feel the lack this time. Possibly because the writing was clearer, so it took less work to get involved in the story.

"Panic was starting to take over..." Not buying it. Show me, don't tell me. (Is there anyone who's sick of hearing that yet?)

"Sixty feet later they both hit the water." I know they're dropping into water. Still, could one actually survive a drop like that? They'd still be hitting the water awfully hard. Even if it is survivable, I imagine that would hurt.

How does armour look home-made? Is it just dented to high heaven, or made from pots and pans or something?

I'd like to have some indication of Melor's abilities--is this common, or widely known? Has Will heard about this or similar things before?

I can't quite decide whether or not things are moving too fast for me. There's a lot going on here and we know almost nothing. If I picked this up off a shelf I'm not sure whether I'd be immersed or simply overwhelmed.

I think that's about it from me. Good work so far.

[westwriter]

Man, it's so easy to drop into "telling" mode.  I will revise this chapter with a little more showing and foreshadowing.  The reader will get caught up in the next chapter before the main conflict is revealed.

[Recovering_Cynic]

About the waterfall, it's possible--and--easy to survive that as long as you don't land on the rocks at the bottom.  The surface of the water they hit is all choppy so it's not as bad as hitting a still surface--that's like hitting solid ground at high speeds.  The water would push them way under, however.

[RavenstarRHJF]

Hey westwriter!  Just finished reading all your chapters so far...  I will say it took me a while to get interested, but then I'm not in your target group, and once I got to chapter 2 I got hooked.

First thing I noticed:
In the first three paragraphs of chapter one, you start the paragraph with "Will [did something]."  Since he's the only character we've met so far, and it's his viewpoint, I wouldn't start each paragraph reiterating his name.  If you think you need to say it to remind us what it is, try to insert it in the middle of the paragraph- it's too obvious as is.

I think Will panics a little too much when Melor grabs them in the forest.  He knows what Wild Tenders are, he knows they tend to blend in with their surroundings, the concept isn't new to him, and so he should start to relax even before he recognizes the man specifically as Melor.  Also... the wild men came right up to them... I understand camoflage, but they're still man and boy shaped.  Does the pod mimic texture, too?  And what about the whites of their eyes?  A little more specific on what exactly happens when those particular pods are chewed.  And great use of showing when they cross the stream!

You've got great starts on characterization- but don't stop here.  There's room for so much more subtlety, especially between Will and his sister.

*will edit with more later... being physically pulled away from the computer