Aug 11th - Erik Holmes - The Sword of Worlds - Chapter 12 revision

[ErikHolmes]

Late again.

This chapter is a revision of my last post. After the feedback I received I thought it'd be a good idea to rewrite it. I've also reorganized my chapters. I've kind of been writing the characters in spurts, but the published order will be:

Chapter One - Kail: The Promise
Chapter Two - Ellie: Earlier that Morning (When Ellie talks to Kail's mom)
Chapter Three - Kail: The Black Case (Kail at Lance's Apartment)
Chapter Four - Ellie: Sicko (Ellie getting beat up)
Chapter Five - Kail: A Cold Heart (Kail killing the guys who beat Ellie up)
Chapter Six - Ellie: The Sword of Worlds (Ellie and Kail going getting sent to Kajsa's world by the sword)
Chapter Seven - Ellie: Another World (Ellie going to get help for Kail)
Chapter Eight - Kail: Kajsa
Chapter Nine - Ellie: Ellie and the Draken
Chapter Ten - Kail: Not Human
Chapter Eleven - Ellie: Pack of the Ancient One
Chapter Twelve - Kail: Four Bugs (This Submission)
hapter Thirteen - Kajsa: The Woods and the Wind (Kajsa going into the woods)

So this chapter is the first time we see Kail and Kajsa after they first hook up. Chapter Ten now ends as Kajsa takes Kail to her bed (as most of you suggested). This chapter then picks up the next morning.

The chapter when Kajsa goes into the woods and carves Kail's sigil takes place after this chapter. Chapter 14 will start with them going to look for Ellie.

Thanks for the comments. And sorry that I've been behind on my critiques, but I'll be catching up on them today and tomorrow.

[Chaos]

Yes.

This is the revision I wanted. A short, nice internal chapter. Balancing the funny with the memory bit. I loved it. Never be afraid to let up from the action, give us--and the characters--a breather. It's good stuff.

...I don't really know what to say. You kept the lines I liked before. It worked smoothly. The imagery worked well. This is the revision I wanted! More conflict, less silly. Great! Though this better not be the only character driven chapter. I want Kail to have the slow descent into darkness Or at least, some change. Change is always important for a protagonist. Keep it in mind.

Hopefully, this reflection about Lance reminds the readers about it, and if the main plot has anything to do with them, it will be a smoother segue.

And my tiredness wasn’t just physical. I felt emotionally drained. My time with Kajsa had been great. But now that she was gone my mind kept wandering over the events of the last few days. Lance was dead. Ellie was lost, and that sword with her.

And I’d killed people.

It's a small thing, but don't start two paragraphs in a row with "and". Cut the first one and it's perfectly logical. Better to have the conjunction on the emphasis paragraph.

[Silk]

Kail's comment about the left pinky makes it sound like he's actually missing a finger. Um, is he? and if so, why didn't I know that before?

"If I went shooting, I’d think about..." This whole paragraph seems out of place here. I think the problem is just the way it's framed: It feels like he's remembering these feelings, instead of imaging or anticipating them.

Other than that... This is a huge improvement, I think. It makes Kail more sympathetic, more believable, and yes, more interesting, now that there's more conflict here. Nice work.

[Frog]

There really isn't much you can do to make me like these scenes or do more than skim them (sorry, its a personal preference in content/characterization and not a reflection of your writing) but from what I picked out you seem to be going to in the right direction to make it good for most audiences. I did notice that some of the internalization for Kail that I was looking for. Yeah, sorry I don't have much else to say I'm afraid.

[Hamster]

I have pretty much nothing to add except to tell you to listen exactly to what Chaos said, which was perfectly said.
I expect more chapters like this further on now.