Aug 10-Frog-DR-Chp 2&3

[Frog]

Comments here. I'm still worried about pacing (too fast, too slow) so please tell me what you think. I think I am introducing most of the MCs with this bit too, so be sure to give me your impressions. And yeah, everything else you see. 

Thank you!

[Silk]

I'm not exactly sure where the clearing is in relation to the rest of the city... town... whichever. Aishia says something about the city gates being closed now, but then goes sauntering back home. Is their family stall inside the city gates? Outside? what about the oasis where Aishia found the genie?

The dynamic that's evolving between Aisha and the genie is great.

Why did the Bearer magic Aishia home? It wasn't that far. Or did she just do it to impress?

The lord talking to Raven seems awfully talky for someone about to make a ruling.

I don't have a problem with the pacing so far. I don't really have much to say at all, I'm afraid. The story seems just begun.

Alternatively, if this is too short/useless, well, I'm sore and allowed to have an off day, so THERE.

[Recovering_Cynic]

I have to agree with Silk in that the Lord giving the "sentence" was a little too chatty.  I don't think that he would have talked so much about his brother, but I also realize that you are using that to set up the introduction of the brother.  I think it might be enough if he merely mentioned that he had a brother with who reminds him all too much of this young girl... and then have her "hide her alarm at the mention of [insert name here]'s name." 

I was also a little confused at how a street urchin manages to be dating a prince.  I know you introduced both of these characters just now, but that's a lot to swallow without some background.  It almost would have been more beleivable if the brother had shown up in court, pretended to be "turning over a leaf" and escorted her out, then they have their little moment.  Somewhere along the line you could give some background, or you can keep it like it is, but somehow you have to make this bit somehow more believable.

I also second the rest of Silk's comments, although I did have one concern about the Genie/Aishia interaction.  It's almost like Aishia tricks the Genie into doing more work than he originally agreed (ala Aladdin).  Is she that clever?  Is the Genie that dense?  Does the Genie have a soft spot, because he seemed pretty selfish to me.  I'm just trying to figure out why he would make the pots unless there was some mischief he could channel.

Anyway, those are my initial thoughts.  I'll finish my second readthrough and post more.

[Frog]

I'm not exactly sure where the clearing is in relation to the rest of the city... town... whichever. Aishia says something about the city gates being closed now, but then goes sauntering back home. Is their family stall inside the city gates? Outside? what about the oasis where Aishia found the genie?

Aishia's house is inside, the oasis is outside. I will try to make that clearer though it is not hugely important.

Why did the Bearer magic Aishia home? It wasn't that far. Or did she just do it to impress?

My bad. In my first draft I ended it there, but my other group (yes, I shall continue to blame them for all my troubles, thanks for asking) reminded me I that I needed some closure from her parents before I moved on, so I quickly added some of that stuff and ended up missing a few of those motivations. Thank you.

The lord talking to Raven seems awfully talky for someone about to make a ruling.

Okay. I'll tell him to shut up.

Alternatively, if this is too short/useless, well, I'm sore and allowed to have an off day, so THERE.

You are not! I expect perfect, page long critiques where you question everything down to the very last detail. Until nothing remains of my story but a few scattered fragments... No, actually that would be sad. I guess you're good then.

I was also a little confused at how a street urchin manages to be dating a prince. 

A lot of that background/motivation is very significant to the overall plot so I hesitate to reveal it all at once. I do plan to giving it all eventually, but maybe it does need some more details now if you all had a problem with it. I hoped this scene at least showed that whatever motivation Mordin has, it isn't love as he is a bit of a jerk.... Yeah, all these characters are pretty important, so I'll be working on it and anyone else critiquing be sure to give me your 2 cents.

I also second the rest of Silk's comments, although I did have one concern about the Genie/Aishia interaction.  It's almost like Aishia tricks the Genie into doing more work than he originally agreed (ala Aladdin).  Is she that clever?  Is the Genie that dense?  Does the Genie have a soft spot, because he seemed pretty selfish to me.  I'm just trying to figure out why he would make the pots unless there was some mischief he could channel.

I'm afraid I didn't intend 'cleverness' to have anything to do with that scene. The genie just wanted to do it because he thought it would be fun (certainly different than his usual charges). Not that he isn't selfish, I just wanted to do more with his character and give him a more playful personality. Needs more work to make it believable it seems....

Thank you both so much for reading and, most especially, commenting! You guys are all great and have the best insights! 

[Recovering_Cynic]

I was also a little confused at how a street urchin manages to be dating a prince. 

A lot of that background/motivation is very significant to the overall plot so I hesitate to reveal it all at once. I do plan to giving it all eventually, but maybe it does need some more details now if you all had a problem with it. I hoped this scene at least showed that whatever motivation Mordin has, it isn't love as he is a bit of a jerk.... Yeah, all these characters are pretty important, so I'll be working on it and anyone else critiquing be sure to give me your 2 cents. 

On this point, I can understand holding back the background until later.  I guess I needed a bit more warning.  In the story, when the prince first mentions Mordin, Raven says "'And he’s a wreck and you’re always perfect,' Raven guessed."  It makes it sound like Mordin is a stranger.  There needs to be some recognition (not visible to the prince, but in Raven's thoughts), something that hints that she knows Mordin personally.  That way when she meets up with him, it's not as much of a surprise.  You do say that "His reference to Mordin had made her nervous though she was determined not to show it.", but that doesn't really hint that they have a relationship, just that she's nervous.

About the Genie/Aishia relationship, I think the part that bothered me was where he goes out back to pull the weeds.  Her initial wish was for him to help her make clay for pots.  I thought Genies were pretty stringent on keeping to the letter of the wish and no further.  In this case, he went on to pull weeds and make the actual pots... the pots I could understand, but who likes to pull weeds, seriously?  Maybe if he really wanted to make pots and she strikes a deal with him that in exchange for the weeds, he can make them, that might be more in line.  You kind of do that now, but there's no bargaining, which I think the Genie would insist on.

[ErikHolmes]

First. I think the pacing is just fine. Keep it up!

About the only thing I can say about Raven and the Prince is to agree with Cynic. Be sure not to mislead the reader like that. You give us the impression that Raven doesn't know Mordin.

I like Aishia and the Genie. About the only comment I have is that he seems like a very Disney-like Genie. Which is fine, if that's what you're going for. I like him, but I'm not taking him serious right now.

All in all, I'm enjoying the story. Keep them coming!

[Frog]

Yeah, I agree with Cynic too now that I can see the specific problems.

And no, I never intended the djinn to seem particularly demonic. Just cranky, lazy and a bit self-centered. Diseny-genie is not a bad comparison, though don't expect any of my characters to break into song.

Thank you!

[Silk]

 don't expect any of my characters to break into song.

That does it. I can't read your stuff anymore.

[Frog]

don't expect any of my characters to break into song.

That does it. I can't read your stuff anymore.

Shesh, there is just no pleasing you people. Fine, we'll throw in one big group number at the end when everyone is friends again, complete with a rousing chorus from the Who citizens of Rock Kingdom. Happy?

 

[ErikHolmes]

It's Ella Enchanted with Genies!

[Silk]

Shesh, there is just no pleasing you people.

*blinks* Well, no. What do you think a critique group is FOR?

[Frog]

Erik: You shall now be given the evil eye for even mentioning that movie in my cyber-presence. I loved that book. Why Hollywood, why?  

Silk: Okay, fine. You got me there.

[Recovering_Cynic]

If any characters start breaking into song, it had better be a death dirge.  Musicals are about the most inefficient--and annoying--way to tell a story ever.

[Frog]

I actually enjoy the occasional musical and the broadway stuff makes for good background writing music. I'm not about to write one, but I can still appreciate them. They aren't for everyone though as they do require you to suspend your disbelief a bit to the point that some people would find it painful. 

[Silk]

Musicals can tell a story just as well as any other theatre piece. It depends on how they're written.

That reminds me, I should finish writing mine.