August 2 - Blade of the Fallen - Chapter 16

[swaindaddy]

Post here if you please!

[RavenstarRHJF]

Nice submission. 

I can't decide if I like that Dren's mystery visitor was simply his love interest or if it bugs me.  Now, it kinda bugs me because the set-up in the previous chapter makes it seem a lot more sinister.  But then I think, "But the puppy wouldn't know if the intruder was dangerous or not, he's just going to think 'Big person- not my master- I'm scared.'  It is a twist... but not a satisfying one, at least not for me.  On the other hand, it does emphasize that due to their upbringing, they're more likely to assume the worst rather than dismiss an alarm as "nothing."  So, yeah... just letting you know how that particular bit hit me.  If you're going to go with the characterization bit of it, you need to make it more obvious.

I also thought it was rather odd that Garrik would be allowed to walk out of the Kings castle unguarded.  Wouldn't they send at least ONE Talonguard with him?  Within the bounds of the castle I can see it, but outside?  Are they really that sure there won't be assassination attempts?

About the heritage.  You've made it pretty clear that the Drakkin are considered "evil" by most of the humans, who- mostly by default- are followers of Doreala.  They are also a different species.  That makes me think that, while interbreeding might be possible, it's probably not a) common, or b) likely to be believed out of hand when the possibility is first introduced- unless there are previous instances of such a thing: myths, legends, and/or aesops.  This is one of the times when a bit of history could be wedged in: a memory of some old story teller relating the fate of a cursed half-blood, or something like that.  Those two considerations also make me doubt Karrys' calm assurance that Garrik's possible heritage means nothing to her.  Sure, it's the nice, reasonable, politically correct thing for her to say, but is it really believable?  Garrik's reaction of fear, horror, and shame, on the other hand, is much more believable.

Overall, pretty good.  Just a few things to clear up.

[swaindaddy]

Good insight. I will have a Talonguard escort him around outside. I also like the idea of inserting some of Karrys' thoughts about what a half-breed would be like and that she would be more appalled and the like.

Good time to drop info about the races history too.

For the record, you can't breed between the two races - without use of the Will - more of this will come clear later, as usual!

[Silk]

"I'm Julia. Would you truly like me to wake the High Duchess? She enjoys her sleep very much." This bit of dialogue struck me as awfully stilted.

It also seems kind of strange to me that he would wander on into her room (or be allowed to) instead of having a servant or whoever go fetch Karrys instead.

The phrase "Prophecy of Eyes" comes up here, before it was the Rite of Eyes.

Raven made some good points about the interbreeding thing. I won't repeat what she's said, just add a question. I don't remember your description of the Drakkin offhand, but if they look particularly different, wouldn't Garrick as well?

One last thing: I wondered a bit about Karrys's reaction to Garrick kissing her. I was a bit surprised that she accepted it so easily.

I don't really have much else to add. Good work.

[ErikHolmes]

I really liked both 15 & 16.

I don't really have a lot to add though. Which is a good thing. I think both chapters accomplished what you wanted well.

It bugged me a little bit in chapter 15 when the guard was asleep. Just seemed too convenient.

And I do agree, if the heirs leaving the castle he might need a guard. Unless the area is really secure.

I also liked how the magic was done.

Good stuff!