Author Topic: 20 July - Concord - Chs 3 and 4  (Read 1372 times)

Flo_the_G

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20 July - Concord - Chs 3 and 4
« on: July 20, 2009, 10:59:30 AM »
Now that everyone's forgotten about the prologue... tell me what you think. ;D

And, of course, thanks for reading!

ErikHolmes

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Re: 20 July - Concord - Chs 3 and 4
« Reply #1 on: July 21, 2009, 09:16:53 PM »
First off, (and some might disagree with me) I like the pacing of the book. Its fast and to the point.

Although I like it, it might be a little too fast though if this is anything but a YA novel. I could be wrong, but that's the impression that I've gotten from other places.

The only reason I mention that is this: If it is a YA novel, just be sure to keep that in mind when focusing on characters, changing POV's etc. Some people will tell you to just write your story and not worry about things like that, but I've always thought that was crappy advice. To get published, your book needs to be marketable to your publishers audience.

Just something to keep in mind.

Other then that I can't think of a lot to comment on, it was interesting and well written I thought.

To keep the tension up I'd suggest the next chapter be from Duval's POV, but maybe thats just me.

Nice work!
Who the hell is interrupting my Kung Fu!

Silk

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Re: 20 July - Concord - Chs 3 and 4
« Reply #2 on: July 22, 2009, 08:18:53 AM »
It seems to me like Juno leaves partway through her interrogation--that Simon was going to say more than
"I really shouldn't be telling you this", and even so, she just leaves.

I'm afraid I don't have a whole lot to say either. I enjoyed the glimpse at the magic system and think von Bredow's chapter particularly has set up a ton of great conflict.

I don't think that things are moving too fast. Of course, I suspect I'd feel differently if we were only getting von Bredow's chapters, and I may feel differently next submission when (presumably) they get around to actually commencing the attack. Though you're dropping us right into the conflict here, I think it's working for me because even up to the mutiny, it's isolated to characters that we've seen before, even if we haven't spent much time with these guys. An attack on the Terrans, on the other hand, will throw us into a much larger conflict that we know nothing about,  not even who to root for.

So yes, there is that possiblity. For the moment though, I think it's fine.

Flo_the_G

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Re: 20 July - Concord - Chs 3 and 4
« Reply #3 on: July 22, 2009, 06:01:48 PM »
[pacing]
That might be due to the fact that I didn't outline these first few chapters as well or much as the later ones. On the other hand, if I look at chapter 5, maybe not. ;)

A scene from Duval's perspective isn't a bad idea at all... I'm more or less operating under the assumption that I'll be adding a few scenes from secondary character's POVs in the second draft for now, which would maybe slow the pacing down somewhat.

As regards changing POV to keep up the tension, that's not just you. You know what they say about great minds...


It seems to me like Juno leaves partway through her interrogation--that Simon was going to say more than
"I really shouldn't be telling you this", and even so, she just leaves.
Hmm, yes, it does seem that way, doesn't it. I guess I'll have to fix that then. :D

[conflict and all that]
That does seem to bode well for the next few chapters. Things should be de-escalating a bit relatively soon, and I hope I'll have established who to root for once the rooting commences in earnest.

Thanks!

RavenstarRHJF

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Re: 20 July - Concord - Chs 3 and 4
« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2009, 11:31:27 PM »
I have to agree that Juno's interrogation stopped short.  But that's not necessarily a bad thing.  You've already stated and implied that she's very inexperienced- that could equate to a lack of stamina.  In fact, you've already set things up that way, since she backs out of the cell shivering with exhaustion.  All you need to do now is reinforce that.  That is, if you want to keep it the same instead of changing it.

It does seem the mutiny starts very quickly.  Most people, I think, would take a little more time to introduce the conflict about to happen.  And at this point I can't say if I think you're moving too fast, because I don't have enough of the story yet.  It's only chapter three, after all. 

That said, Von Bredow is coming across as a jerk and that, coupled with Juno as the young, naive and inexperienced Terran, kinda indicates we should be rooting for the Terrans, just because all we know of the two sides is the main characters.  So just keep that in mind, if in fact, we're supposed to be rooting for the Empire. ;)

Good submission!  Looking forward to more.
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Flo_the_G

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Re: 20 July - Concord - Chs 3 and 4
« Reply #5 on: July 24, 2009, 02:39:55 PM »
[interrogation]
I was thinking of having the Commissar stop her, but I like your idea better.

[mutiny]
The plan is that that'll become more clear in a while. I think I could even insert that in the next submission, possibly.

[jerk]
Von Bredow is turning into somewhat more of a jerk in writing than initially anticipated. I'm undecided as to whether that's a good or a bad thing, though.

[praise]
Now I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. :-[

RavenstarRHJF

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Re: 20 July - Concord - Chs 3 and 4
« Reply #6 on: July 25, 2009, 01:22:53 AM »
Glad I could help. ;D
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ryos

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Re: 20 July - Concord - Chs 3 and 4
« Reply #7 on: January 25, 2010, 10:45:21 PM »
Critique six months late! Wooo! Go me!

The very first thing I noticed was that you overuse the past perfect tense. (I think that's what it's called - it's the one where you say "so and so had done such and such".) That's typically used to indicate an event that occurred in the past from a character's point of view, and you've got it all over the place. It gives me the impression that you start too late, with the character looking back at events that you should have just shown directly.

The pacing in this bit felt better to me. Perhaps a little fast still, but better than the first bit I read.

I thought the prisoner's reaction to interrogation was just a tiny bit off. He didn't feel quite like someone yielding to the strength of a telepath to me. Hard to describe what I mean, so I'm gonna be lazy and say that if you don't know what I'm talking about, just don't worry about it since it's a minor issue anyway.

Lastly, I knew I just got done telling you the pacing was a bit too fast, but I felt the "mutiny" on the bridge went on a bit too long for what happened. The captain put up too much fight for how easily he yielded. Or maybe he yielded too fast and didn't fight hard enough. Depends on who you want the captain to be, and what you want to do with his character.

That's it for this. Short and late, but hopefully better than nothing. :)
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