Author Topic: July 13, Blade of the Fallen Chapter 14  (Read 1040 times)

swaindaddy

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July 13, Blade of the Fallen Chapter 14
« on: July 13, 2009, 04:42:32 PM »
responses - here
"People are stupid; given proper motivation, almost anyone will believe almost anything."

Wizard's First Rule —Chapter 36, p.397, U.S. hardcover edition

RavenstarRHJF

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Re: July 13, Blade of the Fallen Chapter 14
« Reply #1 on: July 15, 2009, 02:57:36 AM »
Very nice characterizations here!

You're still skimping on scenes that could be boring, but hey.. it's a first draft.  I'll cut you a little slack. :)

Apparently Garrik is a budding socialist.  Just kidding. ;)  No, really.  I'm kidding.

There's interesting by-play between Vardis and Laecin, and I'm glad to see Garrik picking up on it.  But when we first met Vardis, you gave us the impression that having a King who was also a Monk was something new.  Like it had never happened before- but surely Karrys would have known- at least that Laecin was a Morvade.  Why didn't she say anything at the time?

I'm finally starting to feel involved in this story of yours.  Up to now it's just kinda been poking along... but now it's got some momentum behind it.  Good job!
A crown does not a King make, nor the lack of one a commoner.

Silk

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Re: July 13, Blade of the Fallen Chapter 14
« Reply #2 on: July 15, 2009, 03:05:00 AM »
Nice detail - Garrick wearing heels. (This would probably put you in a Renaissance-ish time period, if that's the sort of detail you care about. Say, 1600s or so.) Besides, it's about time someone other than the women had to wear those things. Horrid inventions, those. Anyway, sadism aside...

Page three of this submission: "When [Dren] dropped his grin the kraeg laughed a deep guttural laugh and Dren realized he was kidding." The italicized line has a bit of a POV issue - this is a Garrick POV, I believe, but this line is coming from Dren's viewpoint.

At this point, I think I'd like to see a little more of court dynamics etcetera. I don't mean more in length, but I think we could be seeing much more of the Charade by now. You've been going on about it for a few chapters, but it doesn't feel at all like we're fully immersed in it--like we're still only seeing bits and pieces of it. (I'm not saying that Garrick has to catch every nuance--of course he won't. But it feels like the Charade has been built up and built up and we haven't really seen it yet. I'm sure you're planning on more of it in later chapters, but we need to start seeing it now.)

The other thing I'd like to see more of is something that's been brought up before--why are people taking this development so calmly? The King's reign is apparently going to end tomorrow; what's his reaction? If he's really that good at keeping his thoughts from his face, there are other people in the room that won't be. What are their thoughts and how do they show it? What's the atmosphere like? And of course, what do these people think of Garrick himself? None of these reactions need to be huge or ostentatious, but they do need to be present.

The story is moving along nicely, though; the pacing feels good.

swaindaddy

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Re: July 13, Blade of the Fallen Chapter 14
« Reply #3 on: July 15, 2009, 02:27:00 PM »
Great input guys/gals. I am glad the pacing is good as that is my main focus as stated before.

The tips on making the Charade more at the forefront are helpful - will do.

The fact that the King is morvade is not a suprise but that he is a member of the Third Cirlce is. I will try to clarify that as I edit the story.

My main issues to fix in draft tow of this section will be:
Do away with the Duchies as they don't really fit in the world I have created (rite of eys etc) I will go with Territories and Senators instead. That way the King is still the King but mor ein the way a President rules (with some differences here and there.)
I will develop a group of overseers who handle the transitions between Kings. (view them as kind of kind of political councel - they will have real power as it is constant unlike the King)
It is my hope that this will clear up a lot of the inconsistancies with the political side of the story while still keeping the main plot intact.

Input?
"People are stupid; given proper motivation, almost anyone will believe almost anything."

Wizard's First Rule —Chapter 36, p.397, U.S. hardcover edition

Silk

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Re: July 13, Blade of the Fallen Chapter 14
« Reply #4 on: July 15, 2009, 08:24:16 PM »
Hard to say for sure without seeing in action, of course, but yes, those sound like good fixes to me.