22 June - Concord - Prologue, Ch. 1 and Ch. 2

[Flo_the_G]

I hope you all got the email, thanks for reading and, uh, be as harsh as necessary.

[swaindaddy]

Overall a very interesting start. I beleive the story so far and look forward to where it is headed. I am still abit confused as to who is who but I'll bet it comes later.

Critique:
I am not a fan of the overly used Terrans. I know it is kind of a standard but I feel like every Sci-fi story uses it. Maybe some creative alternative.

I thought this was odd - that the Comissar would divulge this much info to her inferior:
"Good. The Corps would have preferred to send a more experienced Interrogator, but time is of the essence, and you were the one closest at hand. I expect that you will not belie the trust placed in you."
Is there another way she could communicate this without telling her outright? Maybe Juno overhears a conversation or something.

Finally - I am not sure the Prologue was needed. Unless that sets up something else in the story later I don't know about. I would scrap it - as most publishers/agents hate them anyway. Start with Chapter one - just my opinion.

I noticed a couple of grammar issues - nothing big and I am sure you will catch them on an edit later.

Overall a great start to an interesting story.

[RavenstarRHJF]

Alright!  Another story to devour!  Are you ready?

Thoughts while reading:

The Prologue: why wasn't there an attack on the refugees before now?  They've gotten off how many ships already?  I would have expected attacks throughout their construction and launch; that's not something you can easily hide from an enemy apparently intent on destroying both of you.  Also, it's not clear whether they intend to find a NEW planet to colonize, or just take their chances randomly orbiting above Earth in stasis waiting for time to undo what they've done.

Chapter 1: Whoa.  MAJOR break in the flow.  It's like reading the beginning of two completely different stories.  You introduce one character, and then jump ahead (a considerable distance) in time and start introducing another before we really even know what's going on.  I don't know about others, but it was a big deal for me- I almost wanted to stop reading, because there really was no discernible connection between the two.  However, I did continue reading.   I've got to say, at first I thought it odd for Juno to be selected as an assistant to a woman who apparently can't stand her.  It took a while for you to explain the situation, but then you did.  Personally, I would add another chapter about Juno and her interrogation of whomever it is before jumping to the seditionists, preferably explaining what it is that she does and why it makes everyone around her so nervous.  From what little you told us about her uniform, I'm picturing something between a goth and a dominatrix.

Chapter 2: Again with the sudden jump.  At least this time it's possible to make a connection with the setting presented in chapter 1.  It bothers me a little that you don't identify von Bredow as either Imperialist or Terran (I assume these are the factions left after the non-war in the prologue?).  You may have reasons for that, but it makes it harder to mentally categorize him and his friends- which, admittedly, may be your point.  And if you're going to hint that someone has "family connections" it helps to tell us why.  Is his family prominent in government?  In the armed forces?  Did he inherit great wealth?  What is it that makes him so certain he's "untouchable?"

Overall, I can see the beginnings of what could be a good and interesting story... but honestly, you haven't convinced me yet.  So far, you've thrown three different plots at our heads, and they're all vying for our attention- so far from making the main plot interesting (by introducing different aspects of it), it actually distracts from the main plot, because I'm trying to figure out how it got that way.  I'm trying to thread three wildly divergent situations together, and you haven't given me enough string.  I guess that's what it really boils down to.  

That's not to say I don't want to care about your story, just that you haven't convinced me yet.  But, hey, it's a first draft, and they can always be fixed, right?

[Flo_the_G]

I am not a fan of the overly used Terrans. I know it is kind of a standard but I feel like every Sci-fi story uses it. Maybe some creative alternative.

Yeah, that's only temporary (I hope). It's probably the one name I've changed most often, but none of them had the right ring to them.

Finally - I am not sure the Prologue was needed. Unless that sets up something else in the story later I don't know about. I would scrap it - as most publishers/agents hate them anyway. Start with Chapter one - just my opinion.

It does sort-of set up something, but that's more of a gimmick and can easily be dispensed with.

Did any of the grammar issues turn up repeatedly? Maybe there's something I tend to overlook when proofreading.

The Prologue:  [...]

I sense a pattern here. I did quite like the gimmick the prologue sets up, but if the prologue itself keeps people from reaching said gimmick - adieu le prologue. Is that even proper French?

Chapter 1: Whoa.  MAJOR break in the flow.  It's like reading the beginning of two completely different stories. 

Would chapter 1 work as a beginning more or less as it is, in your opinion?

I would add another chapter about Juno and her interrogation of whomever it is before jumping to the seditionists, preferably explaining what it is that she does and why it makes everyone around her so nervous. 

That would be chapter 3, at the moment. But I see your point, I might have to juggle the initial few chapters around a bit.

It bothers me a little that you don't identify von Bredow as either Imperialist or Terran (I assume these are the factions left after the non-war in the prologue?).  You may have reasons for that, but it makes it harder to mentally categorize him and his friends- which, admittedly, may be your point. 

Yes they are, and no I don't. He's one of the Imps, and it honestly never occurred to me that this might be unclear, simply because it was so very clear to me. [insert powerful expletive here]

And if you're going to hint that someone has "family connections" it helps to tell us why.  Is his family prominent in government?  In the armed forces?  Did he inherit great wealth?  What is it that makes him so certain he's "untouchable?"

Point very much taken.

Thanks again, both of you. Calling your input invaluable would be an understatement.

[ErikHolmes]

Very well done, I thought.

The prologue was the weakest part of the submission, I'm not saying it was bad, just not as interesting as the first two chapters. Which makes me think that it needs to be redone.

The problem I think is that the character in the prologue just wasn't as interesting as the other two. In chapter one we have a bright, curious young girl, who  I was then surprised to find out was an INTERROGATOR. I actually liked that, normally you think of interrogators as hard asses, not seemingly innocent young girls.

Which brings up a point. I got the impression that Juno was pretty young. Like younger then fourteen. Is my impression correct?

In chapter two we have a new second in command, one who apparently has a history, something dark in his past, and is also part of some conspiracy.

Mr. Robert Winter just wasn't as interesting. If he's not a protagonist, maybe he should get sucked out into space 

Then again, the prologue was short enough that it didn't effect me one way or another. I'd have kept reading, and I can see how starting off the story with that event might be important. One thing that might help would be to know why Robert was picked to travel on the ship.

Other things:

The start of chapter one threw me off a bit. I actually was wondering if you were talking about some other group out in deep space (with more advanced tech), or if you'd jumped way into the future. I think what did it was Juno talking about exploring the 'galaxy'. This brought to mind faster then light travel, and actually exploring the galaxy, not some small portion of it. I think it was the jump from Robert talking about decades of travel in sleep (making me think of sub-light speed crafts) to hyperdrives.

One thing that would really help chapter one would be for Juno just to tell us what the name of the planet they are approaching is. I felt like I needed just a tad more setting info then you gave. Just let me know if Juno is in the same solar system as the other characters or not.

I'd suggest staying away from Hyperdrives, they are overused.

Back to the prologue, I think you could leave it in a be fine. But the jumps just a little confusing. Give us some hints in chapter one as to how the prologue compares to the current (chapter one and on) story. Was the prologue ancient history, etc.

But don't take any of this as negative, I really liked the story and where it was going!

[RavenstarRHJF]

Yes, if you started with Ch. 1 it would probably be fine as it is.  Alternatively, you could find a better tie in for the prologue and leave that in as well.  Like I said before, it's not that the story isn't interesting, it's that the pieces aren't connected well enough to feel like parts of a whole.

And I agree with Erik that more setting info is a must- or at least a really big WANT.

[Flo_the_G]

Which brings up a point. I got the impression that Juno was pretty young. Like younger then fourteen. Is my impression correct?

Biologically, no. But mentally, that's the general area I was aiming for.

I'd suggest staying away from Hyperdrives, they are overused.

I do need them, otherwise large parts of the plot just wouldn't work. And I think mine aren't as cliché as they might be - but I'll let you people be the judge of that when the time comes.

And I agree with Erik that more setting info is a must- or at least a really big WANT.

Duly noted. I think I have a vague idea how to change the first two chapters so they work better as an actual introduction, but I'll leave that to my future self.

[ErikHolmes]

I'd suggest staying away from Hyperdrives, they are overused.

I do need them, otherwise large parts of the plot just wouldn't work. And I think mine aren't as cliché as they might be - but I'll let you people be the judge of that when the time comes.

What I meant was that instead of using the idea that there is some type of hyperspace out there that the ships travel through for FTL travel, use something else.

Also, now that I think about it. This:

  "Simple," the Commissar said. "The Imperials have fitted the station with a stripped-down hyperdrive that creates the same artificial gravity field that we use on our own ships."

Didn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

When I think of a hyperdrive, I think of something that moves the ship or surronds the ship with 'hyperspace' a fictional, alternate region of space co-existing with our own universe, in which FTL travel is possible.

But I don't understand how the Imperials are using this to produce gravity.

[Flo_the_G]

I'm using the term not in the sense of "a drive that lets you access hyperspace" but in the fashion of a direct translation - i.e. a drive that is somehow superior to "regular" drives. Maybe I'll come up with a better name for that as well. In any case, there's not going to be any Babylon 5-esque opening of portals into an alternate space.

As to the gravity, there's probably going to be some form of explanation for that somewhere along the line, so I'd better not tell you, to keep you unbiased. I mainly wanted to keep the number of scientifically vaguely explained technologies to a minimum, which is why I chose to connect gravity and FTL-travel.

[Silk]

Hi Flo,

The story seems just begun so I didn't have a lot to say, and most of what I did have was basically nitpicky. Sorry for the skimpy critique; the main thing I have to say is "keep going".

This is probably something you'd rather worry about in later drafts, but I find it doesn't hurt to keep this kind of thing in the back of my mind when writing: You have a lot of long sentences which could stand to be broken up into shorter pieces.

When the alarm bells start ringing (prologue), I don't really have much of a sense of panic or urgency; partly because I don't know what's going on, partly because the POV character doesn't really seem to care, and partly because there's not really any description of what the place LOOKS like in chaos. You give us one line or two telling us that there's general mayhem, and that's it. Even when Robert seems to get a little more engaged in the action, I don't really get much sense of what he's feeling.

On page three, you write "The other half of her excitement was easier to locate, in the form of the safety harness keeping her from drifting out of her seat and through the weightlessness of the pinnace's passenger cabin." I’m not actually too sure what in this sentence is the exciting bit.

Page six, you write "It was decidedly larger than that of his last ship, the Eirene, but the Cyclops was, after all, nearly twice the Eirene's size." These two clauses say the same thing.

To respond to some of the others' comments:

I see a lot of people commenting about the prologue and whether or not it's necessary. I don't have any problems with the prologue, at least not yet, since I think it's way too early to be making calls on whether or not it's necessary.

I don't really see the problem with the POV changes between the prologue and the first two chapters either. There are plenty of stories that have multiple points of view, ones that aren't obviously connected at first, and it never occured to me to doubt that they would come together eventually.

Aaand that's really it. Again, sorry for the minimal crit. I'm sure I'll have more to say as the story goes on.

[ryos]

Hey Flo—Just a short note on this one; I don't have much to add above and beyond what others have said. I may not comment on all the Concord backlogs I read, but since I only had time to read this one right now I figured I'd dredge up a bit of the past for you.

The writing is pretty good, and I like your characterization. No real grammar issues stood out to me. American readers not used to the British spelling of words like "characterisation" might see issues where none exist (all of which were pointed up to me by my American spellchecker as errors).

My main, overwhelming response agrees with most others here: too many viewpoints too fast. It's not that four (three? five? I don't recall) viewpoints in the first three chapters is necessarily bad, but your chapterlets are too short to really grow grounded and settled in a setting and plotline before we are introduced to another (as evidenced by my inability to remember even how many viewpoints there were). Writing a story in this way makes the reader work harder—I'm tired ATM and my brain did not thank you for it. One starts to question the value of one's entertainment when it begins to feel like work.

(I know that all good entertainment makes you work for it, but the payoff must be tangible, and here, for me, it was not.)

I agree also that the prologue was weak, and probably not necessary. The bit of history it gives can be introduced obliquely as the story moves along.

[Flo_the_G]

Do you think the issue with the many viewpoints is specific to the beginning? I.e. would reading feel less like work later on if the beginning took longer to set up the various viewpoints? Or (as has been mentioned in one of the other threads, I think) would simply connecting the plotlines take care of that? Say I had character A go someplace and meet B, skip a bit of time and carry on from B's viewpoint.

Or maybe I'll have to simply condition myself to be more patient and write longer scenes.

[ryos]

I don't think trying to forcefully connect plotlines would end well. Longer scenes is probably your best bet. Sorry.