Ooo, cracked molar! That can't be fun...
Hope you can get to the dentist soon!
Ok, from the beginning. First problem- at the end of Ch. 3 he's (we don't actually know his name, yet, do we? I can't recall it...) close to despair, and certainly very weak. At the beginning of Ch. 4, however, he seems much more lucid and the despair has apparently left with no warning. Now, I've had random and (apparently) sudden mood changes, but this does seem like a little much. At least tell us that his mood is changing.
I really liked the interlude with the Presence- you did it well and it came across as very peaceful and sustaining. The bit about the vermin was nicely done too! One thing though- after his blessing to them "Go away" seems a little... off. The juxtaposition of poetic language and dismissive command was jarring. "Leave me" might be a better way to go.
Similarly, the passage beginning "The premonition was certainly appreciated..." (right after the second prayer) feels like it should have more of an internal thought lead-in.
"Bitterly" implies resentment, but there is nothing to indicate a cause for such in Gildad's demeanor or behavior. Sneering, however, is right in line with his characterization. But then, you go on to apparently reverse their characterizations as "good cop" and "bad cop" with Brahmgal being the main antagonist and going all crazy over MC's nodding an answer instead of speaking.
You say that his legs have already started to atrophy, but there's really no indication how long he's been in the cell. I would assume several days, but that doesn't seem long enough for that to happen- but then, I haven't researched how long it takes muscles to atrophy. You could also indicate that it might be from a combination of disuse and general
abuse, though, and that would make more sense to the casual reader.
I would mention that they pause in the anteroom for some obscure purpose before going into all the detail. It was fine, it just makes you think something's supposed to happen there, and then we're told they're just waiting.
The scene in the Magistrate's Chamber is interesting and well told. Good characterizations over all, and again, I'm confused by the woman's role in all this... keeps me wanting to read further to find out!
A note: I noticed a lot of grammatical inconsistencies that weren't present in your previous submissions, so I'm assuming that this is still a pretty rough draft and that you'll catch them on another read through. If you'd like to know what I noticed, though, just let me know and I'll email the list.
Great submission! I'm becoming more and more intrigued! (and having less of a problem with the whole "Man of God, but not necessarily Bible issue I had before)
