May 17 -Blade of the Fallen Chapter 3 - Chris Swain

[swaindaddy]

Put your feedback to my third part here. Thanks again all!

[Renoard]

Still trying to get a good grip on the Characters.  But the location descriptions were a lot more accessable.  It's a good story so far and I'm enjoying it.

I was a little uncomfortable with a couple of usages:

"only as a means to belie his sentence."
The sentence is a summary fact already.  I can see him belying his feelings about the sentence but I can't see how he can change it with a mere distraction.

"To Dren’s dismay the King’s soldier, eyes wide, slowly knelt before Garrik."
Can't see how this is a dismal event.  Strange, frightening even shocking, but dismal?  Hit me wrong.

Also I wasn't clear, did the guard pull his stroke at the last minute, or do they have a one handed prince? "beyond [his] hand" could suggest either that the hand is detached or the sword is set in the wood away from the wrist.

Overall tone of this segment was a bit too light.  The boys relax too easily, and are too blase' about being caught.  There just isn't enough emotion.

Despite the issues cited, a general tenor that reminds of those silly TSR/WotC novels (ordinarily a deal breaker), and the occasional use of there for their, it is working for me. 
 

[swaindaddy]

Good points all and I will ajust accordingly. I will say that my goal is to be fairly WoT/TSR up to a point around 50,000 words. This book will be a total departure at that point and one that I think people will enjoy. I just have to keep it trucking to that point when a MAJOR event happens that would never be found in a WoT or TSr style book.

I like to think of it as a Dark Knight approach that will shatter the fist part and open new territory. We will see if I can accomplish it.

[RavenstarRHJF]

Very nicely done.  I liked the character introspections a lot, although I still don't know how old they are!   It's like you keep going back and forth: one minute they act like children, the next their actions and words indicate that they must be at least fifteen or sixteen!  Make up your mind!  Ehem.  Sorry.   

Anyway... towards the end, when they were caught, there wasn't enough of a fearful reaction.  Like Reonard said, it was almost like they didn't really care about being caught, and again when they were led to the chopping block.  If they wanted to face the sentence without crying that's fine, but there should be some indication, if only internal, of their level of fear.

Also... how did they know where to find them, again?  That wasn't really clear.  Maybe it doesn't need to be at this time, or maybe exceptionally good tracking is a feature of being a Talonguard, but... it's been how long since they first escaped?  Hours at least.

I can see the potential here, and I like the story so far.  Just nail down some ages (and keep the reactions and interactions consistent), and you'll be good to go!

[Renoard]

Just for the record, I was not referring to Wheel of Time with WotC.  I meant Wizards of the Coast TSR's new owner.  Same guys who did Magic the Gathering and the unfortunate merchandised novels.  Sorry if my excessive use of abbreviations clouded the issue.

[swaindaddy]

Very nicely done.  I liked the character introspections a lot, although I still don't know how old they are!   It's like you keep going back and forth: one minute they act like children, the next their actions and words indicate that they must be at least fifteen or sixteen!  Make up your mind!  Ehem.  Sorry.   

Anyway... towards the end, when they were caught, there wasn't enough of a fearful reaction.  Like Reonard said, it was almost like they didn't really care about being caught, and again when they were led to the chopping block.  If they wanted to face the sentence without crying that's fine, but there should be some indication, if only internal, of their level of fear.

Also... how did they know where to find them, again?  That wasn't really clear.  Maybe it doesn't need to be at this time, or maybe exceptionally good tracking is a feature of being a Talonguard, but... it's been how long since they first escaped?  Hours at least.

I can see the potential here, and I like the story so far.  Just nail down some ages (and keep the reactions and interactions consistent), and you'll be good to go!

Got it! I wll definately fix the age issues in a revision. I am targeting them at being 18 - 20ish.

The issue is that they are street people so there is a bit of toughness there but they also never truly matured in terms of relationships and thus the immaturity. The city of  Charin is also not really all that bad a place to live even if you are a homeless person so I am balancing all of that. I will fix it as I revise and make that all more clear. for now - pretend they are 19.

Great insight on the fear and the easily found issues - will note and adress.

[Silk]

Some indication as to Garrick's and Dren's age might be nice; three chapters in and I still don't know how old they are.

The ceremony at the Pole is nice, I like the way your priests are presented as showmen or entertainers or whatever you want to call them rather than as ... priests. But some context as to the ceremony would be nice. Does this happen daily? Weekly? Does it happen at a particular time? Does it have some special significance or are these guys just trying to reinforce their sway over the populace?

Okay, this Talonguard that the boys have run into again. It seems really coincidental that they would just so happen to run into the same Talonguard as before (especially when they're lying low), and that and the appearance of three more guards implies that the Talonguard has been following them. That stretches credulity for me - it sems unlikely that a couple of thieves would be so important that someone as apparently important as the Talonguard would bother actively searching for them.

Dren describes Garrick as "lost in thought". Considering that the pair of them are about to lose a hand, this seems a bit... mild. I liked Dren's remark about how having a Talonguard escorting him to the block "cheapened his fantasy", though.

"To Dren’s dismay the King’s soldier, eyes wide, slowly knelt before Garrik. The large man unfastened the pin from its latch on the stump and bowed reverently before his friend."

A couple of things here. I'm not sure why Dren would be dismayed, exactly, to see the man kneel before Garrick. Perplexed or confused, sure, but "dismay" seems like an odd choice of words here. And then you talk about unfastening the pin from the latch on the stump - this isn't quite clear to me either, I'm not entirely sure what's going on. The word "stump" just makes me think of the stump of a hand... but I can't picture what's actually going on from this sentence.

I saw in comments on an earlier submission that some people felt you werer skimping on character a bit. I agree; I think we could see more of what Dren's thinking than we actually do. There's not a whole lot of emotion in this chapter generally. I think Renoard's description of the boys as "blase" about sums it up. There needs to be more.

This Rite of Eyes thing kind of came out of nowhere. So far as I know, there's no mention of it anywhere beforehand, and I think there needs to be, otherwise it doesn't make much sense.

It is an interesting development, though, and well-placed right after the declaration of martial law in the city; I'm interested to see how the one will affect the other.