11 May 2009 - Renoard - EL SHADDU- ch 3

[Renoard]

This chapter is rated V for ahem enhanced interrogation techniques

Our hero finds himself imprisoned and unable to faced his accusers or know the charge against him.

Most of the problems with templates should be fixed.  If you find bad punctuation it's probably got there honestly.

Did you ever have one of those days?

I apologize for sending the document labeled Chapter X.  It was a throwaway and certainly was not intended as a submission.  Feel free to delete it.

[swaindaddy]

Read the new material. Continues to read well.

I think it slowed down a bit from the excitment and action of the introductory chapters.

I like the world your building and I think there is just enough allusion to the magic to keep me wanting to know more.

There was something about the entire chapter being an extended torture scene that didn't really draw me in enough. I am not sure why. It may be that much of it was description.  Still pondering that.

You did deliver the feeling that he was in a tortured haze well. I guess I just want more too soon. But over-all I would say pretty solid.

[Hamster]

Great chapter Renoard, really good stuff.

I liked the slowdown from the action that swaindaddy noticed, and loved the descriptions and characterization that started up here. I think you have a great main character here, and I want to know more about his past and abilities. Like swaindaddy said, the allusion to his magic was great, I want to know more, to the point where I was almost egging him on to wipe out those guards so I could see what he could do. His thoughts and reasoning in his tortured state were also very artfully done, he felt like a pained individual close to giving up, keep it coming Renoard, very well done chapter

[Renoard]

Thanks guys, that's a very positive review.  Not sure whether to get a big head or look for the kick me sign on my back.

If you see anything else in it that needs more work let me know.  I'm not adverse to multiple posts and revisions in here.

[Flo_the_G]

You can let your head keep on swelling, I'll have to say that it's overall very good writing, just like in the previous submission.

It did have a plot-related issue, though. Near the end of the chapter, the prisoner fears that he might break. Why, then, doesn't he simply use his (apparently quite extensive) power to escape before that happens? It seemed quite nonsensical to have him state at the beginning of the chapter that his cell can't hold him, and then have him despair in the end.

A minor point was that the first time he fell unconscious could have been clearer (i.e. say that his vision blackens or something to that effect), simply having him wake up a second time was mildly confusing for an instant.

The change in pace worked quite well, I think, and you raised enough questions to make me want to find out what the answers are, but not as many as to completely confuse me and make me stop reading. And there's of course the constant dangling carrot of his still-unused magic as well.

[RavenstarRHJF]

Good chapter!  I liked the way you drew out the suffering without making it too much.

It was a bit jarring at the beginning when he seemed to wake up twice in a row.  I would suggest some sort of fade in/out terminology, or at least a section break between periods of consciousness.

I'm also really intrigued by the characters so calmly discussing his torture before it begins.  I half expected the woman and her partner to be present for some of it, since in the previous submission she very clearly tells her partner that they "need him."  But apparently that's something he couldn't remember when he woke up, so I suppose it makes sense that he doesn't recognize any voices.

Hm, a question.  Why doesn't he call on the Presence when he's alone in the cell?  That would seem like the safest place at the moment for something like that... at the very least it should offer some relief without expressly bowing to anyone's wishes.

[Renoard]

I'm also really intrigued by the characters so calmly discussing his torture before it begins.  I half expected the woman and her partner to be present for some of it, since in the previous submission she very clearly tells her partner that they "need him." 

Tahe would be telling. ;P

Hm, a question.  Why doesn't he call on the Presence when he's alone in the cell?  That would seem like the safest place at the moment for something like that... at the very least it should offer some relief without expressly bowing to anyone's wishes.

  Good point.  I'll look at that possibility.  Though, at the time I think I intended that he was just too disoriented.  Concussion, torture and he's drugged for part of it, flower sap in his food or some such.

[Silk]

You use the invented term "gard" almost synonomously with the city guard. I'm wondering if you want to have a term so close in both spelling to the word guard, since it could easily be tagged as a mistake.

I feel like we got to see a lot more of your main character in this chapter; the characterization was strong and I was a lot more engaged.

To respond briefly to one of Flo's comments, I didn't actually think that the first time he falls unconscious was unclear at all. And, um. That's ... it.

Three critiques and NONE of them have been massively long, I must be off my game today.