5-04-09 Junction, Ch. 1 (complete)

[RavenstarRHJF]

It's the whole thing this time, I know it's a big chunk, but you'll get through it.  I've made a lot of changes from the first submission, hope this one works better.  Let me know!

I tried to add the most recent members to the list of emails, let me know if anyone didn't get the submission!

[ErikHolmes]

Nice work!

First off, I was entertained by the chapter and wanted to read the next one to see what the council meeting was about. That's a good sign, especially with how long the chapter was.

I suck at grammar so I'll let other people catch those (if any).

Only three things bothered me at all, (and they barely bothered me), they were:

First: Things we kind of vague in chapter one. Which IMO is fine, as long as more details are given later on. But a word or two to help form some type of picture of the characters might help. First impressions are important to me, if in chapter one I start thinking of these guys as Dragonmen, then even if you explain later on that they are some type of frog men, I might keep picturing them as Dragonmen. Right now I don't know what the characters are. I don't know if any of them are human or if they are all clawed things. I am picturing them as some type of reptile men but I don't know if I'm even close at all.

Two: The scene when he woke up the twins felt a little off to me. I think it was the tackle and then Meles's explanation about why he woke them up that way.

Three: Your use of the rank Level immediately makes me thing this is a D&D book. But I don't think they use the term levels even in the D&D books. Circle, Initiate, Rank, Grade, Degree, etc. might sound better.

Having said all of that, I'd keep reading the book at this point even without any changes.

[RavenstarRHJF]

Thanks for the feedback, Erik!

I must admit, plain description of things is my nemesis.  I'll work on that.

Uh oh, the levels made you think of D&D? That was not at all what was intended.  Again, I'll work on that, and possibly it will be made more clear in chapter 2.

Hrm, I'm not quite sure how to deal with your second criticism, but I'll keep it in mind and try and tweak it when not working on other chapters.

[Renoard]

Very well written, and I have to second Erik, it was not only entertaining, it pique interest in the plot.  I'm not a big fan of magical beasts with a society parallel to humans.  So it's saying a lot that this captured my interest.

Some potential negatives that caught my eye:
Again I second Erik in wondering why you didn't take a moment to explore how the twins were disheveled when they woke.  It would give a good opportunity to obliquely slip some description of the basic anatomy without an info dump.  Picking up with the secretaries concern over Lik Taq's apparel would give you another opportunity to give us a bit more idea what we're dealing with in terms of species.

Is it really necessary to use terms like "Lik", "Adlik" and "QwerLik" to further the story.  It may be and I'm not discounting it, but if we don't eventually find a reason why we can't have Master and Headmaster, or Instructor and Principle or any number of other English academic terms then it might turn into a sour note.

Same goes for "Working Room".

Some language issues:

"From time to time he paused in his work to glance at the moon visible through the ceiling. When it lacked but an hour until moon zenith"
The first sentence sets us up to expect the moon as the domain, so "moon zenith" seems a little pedantic.  zenith alone should suffice.  Also what is the "it" that is lacking a moon zenith?  Maybe it would read better to rephrase and remove the passive and the moon from the second sentence.

"The mounding stone dwellings of the T’Awn"
Verges on slipping into the passive voice.  Use of the participle is a lot weaker than the simple past mounded unless there is something about the dwellings that implies they are currently in motion, in which case you really ought to tell us so.

"Details sprang into existence as a fiercely ball of energy appeared. . ."
probably should be a "fierce ball"

"I need you to use that channeller"
Is the extra "l" a typo?

"omniscient and omnipowerful."
Is there any reason not to use omnipotent?


"There was  people who believed the motto were a clue to defeating the Boundary. . ."
"was" and "were" inverted?  Is this really necessary to the story or was it an oversight?

Meles fascinates me, reminds me of someone in fact.  Probably someone very cool. ;P  I look forward to more.

[RavenstarRHJF]

Glad you liked it!

*reads Reonard's post*
*whaps head with hand*

Thanks for pointing out those grammar and wording issues. I really should have caught those, but I only did a quick read through before submitting.  And I'll probably take your advice about describing the characters (I didn't even recognize those opportunities...).

[Frog]

Thoughts While Reading:

You’d think with all our power, we’d figure out a way to keep the streets safe when the sun goes down.

Unless you are going to address this later, I'd be very careful about having characters point out inconsistencies in your own world. Either way, I'd look at that batch of internal dialogue again. Seems a bit awkward for some reason. Maybe you could bring up the lines from the next paragraph so it flows better.

The last thing he wanted was to become a night hunter’s dinner.

Is the note going to be significant later? You seem to be emphaisizing it.
 
I think you may have over corrected with the details on the twins. One or two lines to characterize them would have helped.

Do your lizards age by years or levels? Seems a little inconsistent.

There was people who believed the motto were a clue to defeating the Boundary surrounding them;

Were

How dared Meles put both his life and his academic standing at risk like this? 

dare

And then there would still be the burial fee. 

Overall impression:
It's an improvement from last time and you seem to be going the right direction, but I still wonder if your starting in the right place. Some of the explanations Taq gives in the later scene seem like things I would have liked to know before the ritual. It could use some more physical descriptions like the others said and I think that you may be overdoing the internal dialogue of Taq. Other than that, it was good. I'm interested in seeing what happens next, so great job!

[Silk]

Okay, so I'm much more engaged with the new version of your chapter one. That said, there are still some POV issues within the first couple of pages. It takes longer to manifest and is much more consistent than the first draft, but it's still there. Take a look at this paragraph:

"'Rahshi, Meles!' Kodak spat irritably as he got up.  'You want to get yourself killed?'  As his twin Kreel released Meles and rolled away.. 'Well at least no one else was woken up.  Silencer,' he added for Kreel’s benefit and tossed the stone back at Meles who was finally getting up off the floor."

The parts I've italicized are the parts that I think are contributing to the POV fuzziness, all thoughts that sound like they should be coming from Kodak and not Meles.

A couple other things I found that had the same effect: "His eyes glowed with contained excitement...  The effect was rather frightening."

The scene where they actually do their magic-y thing is, again, much stronger, right from the very beginning.

Another slight POV thing: "'You’re not backing out, are you?' Meles asked with a dangerous glint in his eye." This is a much more nitpicky detail, but it's made more noticeable by the hiccoughs earlier. And really, we probably get the fact that he's not thrilled without you telling us anyway.

"It'll work, I promise." Uhoh, sounds like trouble...

Seriously, though, that entire scene is much stronger. Bravo.

At the start of the next scene, again, it's slightly misleading as to whose POV we're actually in. Starting with Tolan speaking gives the impression that we're in his POV until Lik Taq speaks a few moments later. Again, this is a minor infraction, one that I suspect wouldn't annoy me half so much if I hadn't already seen some stuff like this. (And it's not like it's a huge problem even now, but it is noticeable.)

Hmm, I'm torn. Taq's thoughts about Meles going up against the Boundary seem a little more altruistic here... but honestly, I think the line you used in the old one, about Taq looking forward to Meles being taken down a peg, worked better. It didn't push Taq too far over the edge of being unsympathetic, and, aside from being funny, said a lot about both Meles and Taq. If you're worried about Taq not being sympathetic, you needn't be; I think due concern when Meles and his cronies vanish (as I imagine they will, since I haven't read that far yet) will be enough to fix whatever problems might arise.

"Good, good… I understand he’s a Performer?  What’s his name… Mess, Metts…" This line of dialogue, presumably, comes from Tolan--who knew Meles's name only two or three paragraphs earlier.

Since Taq apparently supervises most of Meles's Workings, and is already thinking ahead to Meles's test tomorrow, and since Meles normally uses room number three, I wonder if he shouldn't make the leap between being summoned to room number three and something Meles has done.

Congratulations, though; this is a much stronger start, and I don't really have much else to add at this point, except to agree with the previous commenters. (Except one of Frog's points--I didn't have a problem with the placement of Taq's explanations. Then again, maybe this is because I already knew it, having read your previous chapter one a couple of hours ago.)

[RavenstarRHJF]

You bring up some good points, especially the issue with POV.  I will add these to the list I'm compiling for when I go back through and rewrite.