April 27 - The Ringing Horn Chp 1 Pt 1

[Silk]

Today is the twenty-seventh, not the twenty-sixth. I knew that, of course.

Ahem.

I present to you The Ringing Horn, part the first of Chapter One.  Tear into it. Don't be shy.

And thanks.

[RavenstarRHJF]

First off, I liked it.  Wish you had given us the rest of the chapter, too...

Ok, first thing- you don't tell us how old Emer is, just that her sisters still think of her as a little girl.  That makes it hard to judge her actual age, although it seems as if she'd be at least 12.

It was an account of the rise to power of history’s more notorious wizards.

You need to either put "one of" in between "power of" and "history" or rephrase it entirely.  And a reference to the fact that the wizard was a woman would help, as that confused me in the sentence immediately following this one.  Probably could also insert a little blurb on her moral leanings as well.  Even something as simple as "she did good things" or "she did evil things" would help to validate your explanation that Emer didn't really care one way or the other.

The time at the beginning of your story is a little at odds with the fact that she's reading (or trying to).  Just before dawn is light enough to see, but it would certainly strain your eyes to try and read anything, particularly in a closed carriage (I know this from experience).  And you say that their journey was timed to arrive at dawn, but they didn't stop at an inn for the night, so- how long have they been traveling?  All night, or just half of it?

I think her sisters, having noticed Emer again, would make at least a token effort to include her in the conversation before getting wrapped up with each other again.  But that's just me.   Or maybe that was the token effort?

I liked your handfasting and wedding ceremonies.  Original, yet still familiar. 

Could it be that Cet doesn't approve of Cuar partly because he's a bad influence on his youngest sister?   Even though Emer hasn't picked up on it yet.  (It's still bothering me that I don't know how old she is...)

All said, well done!

[Silk]

Wow, that was fast!

I didn't give you the rest of the chapter only 'cause I figured you'd all shoot me if I sent you a 7400 word submission. The first chapter runs a bit long. ^^;;

Thanks for the comments.

[RavenstarRHJF]

Well... I finally got home from work and the first thing I did was check the forums... and then my email again, since I'd only gotten Reaves' submission this morning.

[ErikHolmes]

I thought this was an excellent start for the book. The chapter seemed very well polished to me.

The only part of it I had any problem with was the handfasting scene, I wasn't sure who was talking. I was uncertain if it was the two fathers accepting what was said or the bride and groom. Maybe it's just me.

I also thought that where you stopped was a decent place to end the chapter, IMO.

Also, while I thought this was a great start to the book, part of me wonders if the book wouldn't be helped by some sort of prologue. Something to give the readers a hint about what the story is about, etc. Especially is this is to be a stand alone book. 

[Renoard]

I would have liked to read the whole chapter at once.

This is a good start.  You've dropped us in just as things are changing for the Cuilinn family.  The tone is generally well controlled and there are no real structural grammatical issues.  Flann and his people are a little thin, but likely this will be addressed later.  I look forward to reading further, and I already want to see Emer's character develop.  Currently she skews as a bit spoiled, so there is plenty of room for growth.

There were a few issues with content that seemed to be a matter of vocabulary more than skill.  They don't directly impact the storytelling, but they do affect the tone of the narration negatively.  The overall effect is to pair an advanced grammar and style with a highshool vocabulary.  Occasional use of childish idiom exacerbates this incongruity.

Some points that stood out:

"dismiss notions of magic... without a serious bone in his body."

This seemed a bit odd.  Are you saying that magic is viewed a ridiculous myth?  If so why is he no serious to dismiss it?  This threw me and I think it may be an important piece of setting.

The wedding ceremony, while cute, seemed a bit cursory or lacking in seriousness.  Since we seem to stick with Emer's narrative, it might be helpful if she compared it to others she'd seen or if she observed some deeper response in the other witnesses.  As it is Emer's boredom seems to be encouraging the reader to be similarly bored.

"Supposedly weddings were supposed to..."
This might not be the best way to say this.

"and yet one of the still-watching faces of the gathered crowd"
This struck me as a bit weak.  A better construction might be, "yet one of the faces still watching from the gathered crowd"

"been hard as steel for Emer, they were diamonds for Cuar"
This might be picayune, but it seems incongruous to draw a contrast between a simile and a metaphor.

Use of parentheses in the narrative was disconcerting.

"and watch the grey fingers of not-quite-dawn drum across"
This metaphor seemed odd.  Did the Dawn pulse somehow?  Somehow the passage of twilight into dawn had a quality that resembled the pulsing of fingers on a drum.  If this is the case then we need a bit more to show us how this works and why it is taken as normal but Emer.

Over all a very strong opening chapter.  From the pacing I expect a novel to unfold from this.

[Silk]

Thanks for the comments.

[Frog]

Thoughts While Reading:
In the beginning you seem to be dancing around several issues with Emer's family and the society in general and I'd rather you pick a focus right up front. Probably the book you first mention. It looks like you have a fun set up, but by the end all the details of her family felt like a info dump until pg four where you finally start the scene. I would try to bring out all these good relationship maters as we actually see the characters interact.

(finally!)

my sentiments exactly. I would try to condense/remove the whole carriage scene personally.

When you start the ceremony, I had to read it a few times to get who was doing what and who was marring who. I would think that if it was her sister getting married, that would be the bulk of the carriage conversation, not distant fashions, but maybe that's a character thing.

It was a woman speaking this time, clad in the same grey clothes with the same embroidery, though of course she was wearing skirts.

'Of course' is a phrase that is usually better left out.

“So, brother, what brings you back from your… your friends,” by which she meant the band of adventurers with whom he had so predictably signed on with, and what had had him away from home most recently, “to join us here?”

This feels awkward, but I am interested in her brother.

Overall impression:
I liked your characters and the writing looks fairly clean. I am looking forward to watching some further interaction, but it drags on a little. I would try to condense  a lot of the telliness in the beginning and show us more of the family dynamics instead. I think you have some great potential for setting and world building with the wedding, but because our narrator is bored, it is hard not to be bored with her. I also would push for more hints of the main conflict of your novel early on. Great start!

[ryos]

Hey Silk,

I want to preface this by saying that this story may just not be my thing. Social intrigue just isn't that interesting to me (the thought of ever reading Pride and Prejudice makes me cry inside).

That said, I didn't find much to be interested in here. First of all, I don't feel like I have a clear picture of anything; most of your scenes feel fuzzy and out of focus, and new information was often presented in a confusing way. As an example, towards the beginning it took far too long to establish that Emer was in a carriage, on a trip, and not reading alone in a secluded corner. When we do find out that she's in a carriage, it's through an offhanded thought about her father scorning it, which confused me. "Carriage what now?" (EDIT: Nevermind - I'm a doofus. :\)

You seem to be setting up the man in gray to be important somehow, but I found it odd that "man in gray" was all Emer could peg him for. If he's officiating in the wedding, wouldn't she at least know what sort of position he held?

I actually thought the wedding ceremony was nice. It made the tradition feel rich, and there were a few nice images and metaphors in there. The whole thing felt plausible and more focused and real than anything else in your story.

...but it didn't feel important. Emer's sisters feel like bit players, Lord Flann doesn't look terribly important, and frankly I don't really expect much to come of the affair, plotwise. This makes it boring to me.

Beyond these concerns, from what I've seen so far the characters and setting look pretty run-of-the-mill. We've seen the repressed and rebellious noble's daughter many many times. We've seen medieval witches-and-wizards settings several times over. That's not to say you can't write a good story with those things in it, but you need to bring "the interesting" and "the unique" to the party for it to work.

Sorry if my comments aren't very useful. I'll send you an edited and commented version that should be more helpful.

Here's hoping the next submission grabs me more!

(Edit 2: After a second readthrough, I feel my initial impression of fuzziness is more my fault than the story's. I must have just been distracted or something. So, don't puzzle too long looking for what isn't clear and focus on making things interesting instead. )

[Silk]

Heh. Only ever read one Austen book (Emma); feel no desire to read another one.

Thanks for the comments. (And yes, I promise that I'll get to commenting on yours soon; I'm in on the climax of this novel so that's actually not an empty claim. )

I probably shouldn't have read these comments until after I was done, now I'm thinking as much about what I'll be doing to the earlier chapters as writing the later ones. Silly me.