Author Topic: 4-27-09 Reaves Crystalheart Chapter Twenty-three  (Read 1885 times)

Reaves

  • Level 23
  • *
  • Posts: 1226
  • Fell Points: 1
    • View Profile
4-27-09 Reaves Crystalheart Chapter Twenty-three
« on: April 27, 2009, 02:18:14 AM »
Thanks for your input!
Quote from: VegasDev
RJF: "AHA! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Cairhien, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a warder when he is only the distraction! Get him Rand! Buzzzzzzz!

ryos

  • Level 17
  • *
  • Posts: 824
  • Fell Points: 0
  • The Decemberween Thnikkaman
    • View Profile
Re: 4-27-09 Reaves Crystalheart Chapter Twenty-three
« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2009, 04:26:23 AM »
I'll go through the edits first, mentioning only the ones that didn't work (the rest were all great):

Quote
(deleted in edit: light) ambience

Light was a better choice. Ambience means "the character and atmosphere of a place", which would be hard for a crystal to absorb.

Quote
Aermyst glanced back the way they had come.

Didn't like it; would have cut it.

Quote
in a pain-saturated groan

Ehhh...maybe. I think you can do better, though.

Quote
(deleted in edit: "If we do, ) If they find us here

Liked the deleted phrase more. It's crisper and more to the point.

Quote
Dantes stood before him.
   Blocking the door.

Great edit, but I'd make it all one line: "Dantes stood before him, blocking the door." Having it in two lines caricatures the emphasis (IMHO).

Quote
"But that's a story for another time -- if your time, and your story, hasn't run out long since."

The whole last half of that sentence needs work, and the edit makes it worse, not better.

On to specific things that didn't work:

Quote
The man inclined his head. “As you will.” He brushed past Aermyst, hands dripping in white lace.

The "hands dripping in white lace" doesn't fit here. The fact that his hands are dripping with white lace has nothing to do with him brushing past Aermyst, so it doesn't make sense to cram the two together with a comma.

It bothered me that Aermyst let the spymaster see where the key was. It also bothered me that it was kept, unguarded, in a hollow brick, and that apparently any Crystalheart knows this fact. The Sacramency is displaying such trust in the fear of taboo that they may as well just leave the door unlocked. (Edit: And, having Aermyst need to "borrow" the key from a secure place would make for a tense scene.)

It bothered me that Aermyst touched a stalagmite. Have you ever toured a living cave? The first thing they tell you is don't touch anything! Oils from your skin disrupt the deposition of minerals on the formation; in effect, touching formations kills them. Shame on you, Aermyst; you should know better. :P

These are, in the grand scheme of things, minor complaints. Overall, I really enjoyed this chapter. I loved the description of the hall of lights, and how it's essentially a burial ground for crystalhearts (however, this fact makes me wonder why entering is so taboo, since I would think people would want to visit the entombed souls of their ancestors). The dialog is mostly strong, the informant feels real, and while Aermyst is still doing something stupid it's a plausible and forgivable kind of stupid (IOW, the stuff that stories are made from).

I admired Aermyst for not leaving the informant. I think it's the most admirable deed we've seen from him.

The ending is tense, and I was sad to see it end. That's a page-turner ending, and I would have read the next page, even if it were 4AM, and even if late to class. Good work!
« Last Edit: April 27, 2009, 06:37:10 AM by ryos »
Eerongal made off with my Fluffy Puff confections.

RavenstarRHJF

  • Level 9
  • *
  • Posts: 339
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
Re: 4-27-09 Reaves Crystalheart Chapter Twenty-three
« Reply #2 on: April 28, 2009, 01:05:11 AM »
For the most part, I like the changes you made, particularly the extra dialogue.  You could still tighten up the phrasing in certain places, but for the most part, they're good edits.

I will say that it's incongruous for a man so apparently devoted to remaining anonymous to wear anything that would make people remember him- like lacy sleeves that show under a coat which covers the rest of him.  In this context, it doesn't make sense.  Maybe you set it up in earlier chapters for a man in his position to have such quirks, but without that set up, like I said, it doesn't make sense.

The conflict between Dantes and Aermyst and the way they react to each other is well done, though you could still do more to emotionally play it up for the reader.

... I'm sorry my critiques are always kinda short and very narrowly focused.  I'm still learning how to critique and I tend to look at the broad overview first and then zero in on specific points which didn't work for me.  But that usually eats up all my brain power and then I stare at the rest of the submission going, "urrrr" to myself, trying to think what else to say that someone else hasn't already said yet. :-\
A crown does not a King make, nor the lack of one a commoner.

Renoard

  • Level 20
  • *
  • Posts: 989
  • Fell Points: 0
  • spurius non lucrorum
    • View Profile
    • Albion
Re: 4-27-09 Reaves Crystalheart Chapter Twenty-three
« Reply #3 on: April 28, 2009, 04:20:32 AM »
This was a good chapter, but I'm wondering if a turning point like this might not need to come earlier than ch. 23.  I was ready to turn the page and start the next chapter.

All of the edits were moves in the right direction.  As Ryos pointed out Ambiance is not the right term, but you did seem to realize that since that clause was there to really punch the draining effect of the dark crystal it needed stronger descriptives.

However, punching light is going to require punching eat as well.

I had a problem with the keyrock.  It's anachronistic enough to interrupt the flow of the story.  All this crystal power and dying technology seems to demand a cool security system or at least armed guards.

Crust and scab are both strong images and there is a dynamic tension between them that interrupts the flow of the language. Changing one or the other to an adjective would work best.  Scabrous or crusty.

A slightly more dramatic clue to the effects on the heart crystal is called for.  The characters might not need to see it but we need to.
« Last Edit: April 29, 2009, 03:25:11 AM by Renoard »
You can always get what you want if you never count the cost.

Reaves

  • Level 23
  • *
  • Posts: 1226
  • Fell Points: 1
    • View Profile
Re: 4-27-09 Reaves Crystalheart Chapter Twenty-three
« Reply #4 on: April 28, 2009, 11:57:49 PM »
Ryos: wow, thanks for responding so quickly! It may have technically been Monday, but only just :D Also, thanks for your great feedback.
 
Quote
(deleted in edit: light) ambience

Light was a better choice. Ambience means "the character and atmosphere of a place", which would be hard for a crystal to absorb.
Doh! Thanks. I didn't want to use light because I had used it in the sentence directly before it, but I guess I can't use ambiance either.
 
Quote
Dantes stood before him.
   Blocking the door.

Great edit, but I'd make it all one line: "Dantes stood before him, blocking the door." Having it in two lines caricatures the emphasis (IMHO).
This one I went back and forth on. In one sentence it seemed to just slide in there without much impact, but I guess I overdid it.
The ending is tense, and I was sad to see it end. That's a page-turner ending, and I would have read the next page, even if it were 4AM, and even if late to class. Good work!
Great! Jwdenzel mentioned each of my chapters should be like that and I figured that was an easy change to make. Might as well start there right? :P

Ravenstar: Thanks for your thoughts! Don't worry about the length of the critique. When I first joined this writing group my critiques were about the same size :P I found that for me it helps to not read other people's comments first, just go straight to the submission, and then as I am reading open up a reply to the submitter's topic. It gives it a stream-of-consciousness type response so that the writer gets my first impressions and I found that helped a lot.

Renoard: Thanks for your advice as to verbiage, and your thoughts on the false brick; two people picked up on it and its not a big deal so I guess I'll change it.

A slightly more dramatic clue to the effects on the heart crystal is called for.  The characters might not need to see it but we need to.
I'm sorry, but can you elaborate on this? Which crystal were you referring to? The big one with the "crusts of scab" or the small one that the informant held in his hand? And what effects?
Quote from: VegasDev
RJF: "AHA! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Cairhien, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a warder when he is only the distraction! Get him Rand! Buzzzzzzz!

ryos

  • Level 17
  • *
  • Posts: 824
  • Fell Points: 0
  • The Decemberween Thnikkaman
    • View Profile
Re: 4-27-09 Reaves Crystalheart Chapter Twenty-three
« Reply #5 on: April 29, 2009, 12:11:38 AM »
Quote
Ryos: wow, thanks for responding so quickly! It may have technically been Monday, but only just  Also, thanks for your great feedback.

Yeah, well, don't get too used to it. :P I was just bored at my grandparents' house, since they go to bed at like 9:45. I was stuck there for the weekend between apartments, so I didn't have anything else to do.
Eerongal made off with my Fluffy Puff confections.

Renoard

  • Level 20
  • *
  • Posts: 989
  • Fell Points: 0
  • spurius non lucrorum
    • View Profile
    • Albion
Re: 4-27-09 Reaves Crystalheart Chapter Twenty-three
« Reply #6 on: April 29, 2009, 12:49:37 AM »
You mention that the light goes out of the small one and passes into the larger heart of the tower.  But does that cause healing, is there any response?  Does it remain black and scabrous?

That's the sort of think I was wondering about.
« Last Edit: April 29, 2009, 03:26:38 AM by Renoard »
You can always get what you want if you never count the cost.

Reaves

  • Level 23
  • *
  • Posts: 1226
  • Fell Points: 1
    • View Profile
Re: 4-27-09 Reaves Crystalheart Chapter Twenty-three
« Reply #7 on: April 29, 2009, 03:19:43 AM »
You mention that the light goes out of the small one and passes into the larger heart of the tower.  But does that cause healing is there any response?  Does it remain black and scabrous?

That's the sort of think I was wondering about.
Ah. Gotcha. Thanks!
Quote from: VegasDev
RJF: "AHA! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Cairhien, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a warder when he is only the distraction! Get him Rand! Buzzzzzzz!

Frog

  • Level 13
  • *
  • Posts: 578
  • Fell Points: 0
  • "Have a popover, Froggie!"
    • View Profile
Re: 4-27-09 Reaves Crystalheart Chapter Twenty-three
« Reply #8 on: May 01, 2009, 06:31:45 AM »
Thoughts While Reading:
Alright, I was seriously loving this up to the keyrock. To have a key, even hidden, so close to a strictly 'off limits' area seems foolish. I would expect something more impressive.

Quote
"Be quiet!" Aermyst whispered. "Or you'll get us both killed. (deleted in edit: Then in a calmer voice: ) This is it. Let your eyes adjust."
Good edit, but maybe if you broke it up, it would make your intent clearer: "Be quiet, or you'll get us both killed!" Aermyst whispered. "This is it. Let your eyes adjust."
Quote

(deleted in edit: light) ambience
light seems better.

Quote
The spymaster dropped down toward his leg, crying out-
   and in the darkness, something moved.
I know you probably did this deliberately, but it looks like a mistake. Maybe just indent the whole line?

Quote
Dantes took a step backward -- towards the door.
   "What brings you here?" Aermyst gritted.
   Dantes nodded. "I could ask you the same thing -- and you," he said, peering at the limping man on Aermyst's shoulder. "But that's a story for another time -- if your time, and your story, hasn't run out long since."
   "Dantes," Aermyst asked curiously, with growing apprehension deep in his stomach, "what do you mean?" He had all too good an idea of what Dantes meant.
   Dantes smiled and held up a heavy bronze key. "Goodbye, Aermyst." He backed, step by step, into the open door. Then closed it.
Notice a pattern? I sure did. ;) Oh, and this line tripped me up a little: "if your time, and your story, hasn't run out long since."

Overall Impression:
Quote
1. Is this chapter exciting/interesting to you? If not I'll probably kill myself. Jk.
Please don't kill yourself! I loved this section, and now I need more Crystalheart! (Seriously has been awhile since I felt that way). You did everything right in my book, MCs interacting in ways that both seem to further the plot and show their character. Only real complaint is that it is chp 23. We need something like this MUCH earlier IMO.
Quote
2. Do you think my edits are helping or hurting the manuscript?
For the most part, they seem to be helping :)
I've already conquered the world. This is exactly the way I want it.