3-23-09 Reaves Crystalheart Chapter 13

[Reaves]

Here it is! I'm a bit strapped for time right now, I'll try to edit this post later for specific questions I have about this.


EDIT: Alright. It looks like wcarter already mentioned the major things I needed input on with this chapter. Did Aermyst's bridge scene feel motivated? Note, I am considering taking that scene out. It doesn't move Aermyst's plot forward at all. At the end of the scene, he is pretty much at the same place where he started.

Also, how was the dialogue with Marlin and Co.? I've been trying to focus on improving my dialogue, giving it a whole lot more life. Was there any place where it fell flat?

Thanks a bunch for reading, everyone!

[wcarter4]

I always enjoy your chapters even when I don't have time to look them over enough to give a good critique.
Other than it being a bit short (cutting my enjoyment time) I only see three problems with this chapter
1. The part where Ameryst is thinking about Dantes' virtues as a friend seems a bit too mushy. It's almost there, but right now it seems more campy than sad.
2. The attempted suicide and subsequent change of heart felt a little too fast. Suicide is not something anyone thinks of lightly which I'm sure you know. Try to work on this part a bit. Ameryst is hurting, this felt a bit forced.
3. This is a somewhat minor point, but is there any reason WHY the professor would simply set Marlin up for failure without any provocation? That she does so isn't a problem but there should probably be a better explanation than that he's there as a favor to someone else.

[RavenstarRHJF]

I guess it's a good thing I came in on this chapter instead of a different one, since you partially describe what a Crystalheart IS and how they become that way.

First thing I noticed when I started reading:  Aermyst, Aermyst, Aermyst.  You kept repeating his name when there was really no reason to, since he's the only one in the scene.  I mean, really.  Three times in seven sentences?

Second thing: He seems to value the loss of his crystalheart more than the loss of his soul.  Is that because the one seems to have more immediate affect than the other?  We see him wondering about what would happen if he died, but then he goes on to (briefly) contemplate suicide a few minutes later.  Why?

Third: This entire first section seems more disjointed than it has to be.  When you said

Aermyst's chest began paining him more often

and again with

Aermyst spent the days poring over rotting texts...

I wasn't sure at first if he was still reminiscing on the bridge, or if we had jumped scenes.

Fourth: I think you captured the relationship between the three roommates perfectly: kidding around, but basically tolerating each other, and willing to take in a new member.  This tells me that they haven't seen a lot of betrayal in their lives, which makes their reaction to Trelawney's inexplicable unhelpfulness just right.  Great job!

Now you've got me wondering if she really wants to screw him over, or if she knows that these are the classes he'll need to help Aermyst find his crystalheart...

Don't hesitate to send me the first 12 chapters if you feel like it, though I can't promise to read them all at once!

[Necroben]

Finally Aermyst felt his lungs empty and the cry cut off.
It seems that things are happening to Aermyst, or to Dantes, but not much of either of them doing things.  Maybe some more interaction, even if it’s just with the environment, on their part would liven it up.

He looked down at the edge of the wall; it would be so easy just to walk off the ledge and end it all.
After all’s said and done, that’s a really good turn of phrase.

I can kind of infer why Professor Trelawney doesn’t like Marlin, but it’s rather ambiguous at the moment.

All in all I like it.  It feels a little slow, but that might be just how it’s worded.  Marlin had a great scene.  Though I am wondering, and I might have missed this previously, how and why he’s entered into the school.

Keep up the good work!

[Frog]

Thoughts while reading:
I'm not finding the opening scene very engaging.

See? That what happens when you don't give your characters anything to do. They start contemplating suicide and
the story kinda dies with them.

Where is Marlin at now? I remember him talking to a religious type, but I don't remember him being enrolled in a school

I don't have much as far as nitpick stuff to say about the Marlin scene other than to tell you that they are a bit fast.

Overall Impression:

It doesn't move Aermyst's plot forward at all. At the end of the scene, he is pretty much at the same place where he started.

I couldn't agree with you more. Please take it out and try to condense a few of these thoughts when his part picks up again. The dialogue seemed fine, just the scenes seemed fast and I had a harder time picturing the school or understanding Trelawny's dislike for Marlin. And even though the scenes were good (better than Aermyst's this time around anyway) I don't see them relating to the overall plot. It makes them feel a little bit random, though as a reader I would be willing to give you the benefit of a doubt that it will all be tying together eventually. Good work!

[Reaves]

Urg. I must have really blown it explaining where Marlin is and what he is doing...

I think part of it might be that I added that scene in only recently, when the rest of the chapter was written several months ago. So while I tried to explain things, I didn't explain enough.

The idea is, Marlin is at the Sacramency. Normally they wouldn't accept him; he's not rich, he doesn't have a crystal, etc. But Aermyst managed to call in a few favors, hence Trelawney not liking Marlin. The way a bureaucrat like her sees it he got a friend to go right through the system.

Yeah...I can see I've got some explaining to do.


Also, thanks for your thoughts on the opening scene with Aermyst on the bridge. I want to keep the parts where he is remembering what Dantes was like, as the readers only got about 1 1/2 chapters with him, but the suicide bit should go.

[Hamster]

Wow, it feels like a long time since I last read a Crystalheart chapter, and I gotta say, it's nice to finally read one again.

Regarding Aermyst and his whole scene:
I personally loved the overall feel of that scene. I do agree that it got a bit tiring reading about how awesome Dantes was and such, you have 180 words and 3 paragraphs dedicated to telling how good Dantes used to be. Although I liked it,I think it could be condensed a bit. 

But I loved the imagery of Aermyst on the bridge, I love your world with its spires of glass and ethersteel hundreds of feet in the air, I love reading about the setting on every one of your chapters.

About the suicidal thing...I am one of the few who liked that. Wcarter said that it was too rushed and that nobody thinks of suicide lightly, but, in my mind, Aermyst has most likely been considering suicide in the back of his mind since his heartcrystal was taken. I mean, his soul is gone. That really came across here how he feels because of it. How empty and alone and powerless he is without it. I love the characterization here. I loved it even more when Aermyst decided not too, how he reasoned that he was stronger than that. I think that it is somewhat of a character defining scene. But I don't think anyone else shares my opinion about that. Overall, if you do want to cut this scene, you definitely should still get his thoughts and musings about Dantes and life and such into other chapters, and maybe even have a different time to comtemplate suicide, because that scene felt very raw and just good characterization. But I think you should keep it.

About Marlin:
Although it was a little unclear at first about what happened to Marlin and such, I think that it became fairly obvious to the reader about the basics of how he got into the Sacramency. But it was a little 'out there', I think that maybe in a previous chapter actually have Aermyst talking to Trelawney or someone to get him enrolled. Marlin has been out of my mind for the last few chapters, and I think that you might want to go back and add him in a bit just to remind of us another main character.

I also thought that the dialogue was realistic enough and the interaction between the boys was good.

I have one big problem though, I do not like how you named the professor Professor Trelawney. I normally like all names and don't care if they were in other books, but I mean, I can't help but think of Harry Potter when her name is mentioned. That drew me out of your world, which didn't make me very happy.

I also thought that she seemed a little too much out to get Marlin. I like the whole trying to get him to fail and such, but I felt she came across as too mean, and to me, it didn't seem to fit her character(I know we havn't really met her yet or anything, but it just didn't seem to work), I would say you could tone it down a notch. Not sure how you could though...maybe stop her from smiling so much, the smiles seemed creepy and way too cold. Anyways, it still works, and I still liked that scene, because the dramatic irony, you could see what was happening to him, and his cluelessness to it all. Love it.

Okay, so last words now. Good chapter, not one of my favourites though, because not much seemed to happen in it. I would have liked it to be a little longer, maybe set up Marlin going into the school with some more detail, some small conflict early on for him to deal with, something like that. But it was still quite good. I like where this is going.

Now, I have some crazy theories about your book that I'm going to write, because in my mind, every author loves it when they see someone theorizing
1. Marlin's intense studying will bring him the answer to how to get Aermyst's soul back, as well as stuff about the relics and the ancient civilization.
2. Aermyst will ignore what Marlin tries to tell him, will do his own thing and fail.
3. Tristan is actually the Tian guy who got his soul stolen 200 years ago, and isn't actually dead.
4.The super powerful guy who took Aermyst's and Dantes' souls is also the guy who had taken Tian's soul then.
5. Some huge catastrophe is going to happen or some army is going to invade or something(this also has to do with the relics and the ancient civilization), and that is way Zael(is that his name?it's something with a 'Z') told Aermyst that they are saving the world.

That's all the theorizing I have for now, hope it amuses you somewhat. Thanks for your submission!

[Reaves]

Hey, thanks for your thoughts Hamster!

I am back on the fence about whether I should put the suicide scene in. I don't think it should stay where it is, but we shall see. I'm glad you liked it!

Urg. Something about the name Trelawney did remind me of Harry Potter, but I thought that was just me Thanks.

And your theories are very interesting. It is always very helpful when people tell me not only their opinions on what has happened, but what they think is going to happen. I won't tell you which ones (if any) are right, I'll just let you find out for yourself
         However, it would be very helpful just to find out what everyone else thinks about your theories just to get a wider demographic for what people are thinking.

PS and yes his name is Zael you got that right.

[ryos]

Unfortunately, I don't know how much help I can be, coming in like I am in the middle of the book. The summary can only do so much.

Anyway, I like what I see.

I thought it a bit odd to have Aermyst worrying about dying without a soul, then turning around and nearly killing himself. Not the most logical course of action. It could be perfectly in character, but I don't know enough about him to say for sure.

Also, the opening conversation between the boys seemed a bit abrupt and awkward. That bit could use some revision to smooth things out.

Sorry this is so brief. Hopefully I'll become more useful as I get to see more of the story.

Edit: I also thought it odd that you named a professor "Trelawney". It made me wonder if you might be one of the few people left in the world who's never read Harry Potter, and if not, what an amazing coincidence it was that you should pick the same odd name for a professor as JKR.

[Reaves]

Unfortunately, I don't know how much help I can be, coming in like I am in the middle of the book. The summary can only do so much.

Anyway, I like what I see.

I thought it a bit odd to have Aermyst worrying about dying without a soul, then turning around and nearly killing himself. Not the most logical course of action. It could be perfectly in character, but I don't know enough about him to say for sure.

Also, the opening conversation between the boys seemed a bit abrupt and awkward. That bit could use some revision to smooth things out.

Sorry this is so brief. Hopefully I'll become more useful as I get to see more of the story.

Edit: I also thought it odd that you named a professor "Trelawney". It made me wonder if you might be one of the few people left in the world who's never read Harry Potter, and if not, what an amazing coincidence it was that you should pick the same odd name for a professor as JKR.

Aha! So that last email I sent finally got to you. I feel really stupid and/or technologically illiterate. I'll try to send you the previous chapters in my next submission 

[ryos]

Aha! So that last email I sent finally got to you. I feel really stupid and/or technologically illiterate.

Heh, don't sweat it. The .com confusion is a natural mistake. I will admit to chuckling a little when I saw that you sent the second email to "[email protected]", though. Heh. ".name" is a perfectly valid top-level domain, you know.