Author Topic: 02-22-09 Revast: The Well of Creation - Chapter Two  (Read 1495 times)

Revast

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02-22-09 Revast: The Well of Creation - Chapter Two
« on: February 23, 2009, 04:07:35 AM »
I apologize in advance for the length of this submission. It is 5500 words in length and unfortunately I didn't feel like breaking it up would be possible (would ruin the chapter). If anyone doesn't want to read it due to length I understand. I promise future submission will not be this long. There is also a bit of sexual banter in this chapter, though it is minor.

Synopsis

Proast has earned his name. By braving the wrath of the Magi's Collectors who chased him through the mountains surrounding his home his clan rewarded his courage with the name Lightfoot. Unfortunately the chase took its tole. Lightfoot has fallen ill due to his wounds and the massive amount of blood lost.

We pick the story up from there.


Thanks for reading, and for any suggestions for improvement you can give me,

Revast

Necroben

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Re: 02-22-09 Revast: The Well of Creation - Chapter Two
« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2009, 05:33:33 AM »
Sorry it took so long to get back to you.

I don't have much, but I do want to say that I liked your story.  If you’re going to have Rain come back as a character then fine, but if not, then you could probably do without a lot of the banter.  Also, I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around a society that puts its women folk "out to pasture.”  Most of the ancient cultures that I know of never went that far.  I could see the degradation of their women folk but not the ostracization.
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Revast

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Re: 02-22-09 Revast: The Well of Creation - Chapter Two
« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2009, 03:15:45 PM »
Rain: Yes she comes back, as a main viewpoint in fact.

Women out to pasture: Yes it is extreme, but the idea actually came from a visit to an old folks home, a poor one at that. My wife worked as a nurse there for a while, and would tell me how most of them never had visitors, and it just seemed like they were waiting to die. My thoughts were "No one deserves to end like this." I took that idea to the extreme in the story obviously. So I guess no society does that to their old folk except ours huh? :P

One of the idea's I'm trying to portray is that in this society the women are totally dependent on the males. In fact, your husband dying at old age, pretty much means the death of life as you know it. If you are young then you can just get another man, but when old... not so much. This idea of dependence is something that I hope to use to break Rain away from the norm, and become self-sufficient when she is forced to.

Reaves

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Re: 02-22-09 Revast: The Well of Creation - Chapter Two
« Reply #3 on: March 04, 2009, 02:03:55 AM »
Yeah I too didn't quite understand why all these women were ostracized. Sure, I understand some, but it seems like those with status, such as Eyeless' mother, would be able to get some special treatment. Also, I think Eyeless' mother would call him by his first name, the one she gave him, if she was trying to remind him of her.

Quote
  Dense fog, the kind you can shove aside with your hands only to watch it immediately be replaced by its fellows lay heavy in the forest. 
I like the imagery but I don't really think of fog as having fellows :D Maybe another word?

Wow, that was a pretty intense dream that Lightfoot was having. Great descriptions. However, I didn't understand this:
Quote
It’s over, they’ve found me. This is how it will end, devoured by bloodsuckers. 
I thought the bloodsuckers were those five guys tracking Lightfoot through the woods? Maybe I'm just confused on that :(

Bruav's character seemed a bit inconsistent with the selfish, generally mean picture you left us with in the prologue. I know you mentioned that the events of the prologue actually took place after the events of the main story, so maybe Bruav's character will change?

For me the first third and the last third of the chapter was the most interesting. I wasn't really intrigued at all about the march through the guantlet. I didn't understand why these women were all forced to live like rats. Also, why weren't the sick, old, and infirm men or small children living with them too? I would reconsider that little bit of your world.

I do like how you say you are planning to use it to force some character growth with Rain. That does seem like a good opportunity.

About the whole encounter with Rain...I will just say this. No matter how pretty my nurse is, I would not be getting a hard-on when I've been sleeping for presumably days and just awoke from a nightmare dream involving lurching undead, and when I still have chunks of flesh and bone missing  :P However, if that is part of Lightfoot's character by all means keep it.
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Revast

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Re: 02-22-09 Revast: The Well of Creation - Chapter Two
« Reply #4 on: March 04, 2009, 06:15:37 AM »
OK, so both readers so far haven't been able to get their minds around the ostracized elder females. I have a few questions for you and anyone else who has read the chapter.

1. Is it just that such a thing seems so strange to a people who generally love their families.
2. The idea I'm going for, and perhaps I just need to find a way to explain it better in the chapters beginning is that this is a raiding clan. They support themselves by raiding other peoples. They don't grow anything, they don't produce anything, they have nothing to fall back upon except taking from others. Therefore they can't support anyone in the clans that doesn't provide a lot to the clan, and can't support a very large population at all. Along this line, there are no children in the clan. Children are raised by those who do grow things, and who do produce things. The clan gains members because when some of those children grow up they decide it would be better to raid than be raided. So they join the clans and try to earn a name (which signifies their acceptance into the clan).
   -if any children are born to the Clansmen's women (which obviously happens) then the Clansman must decide to either share his portion of the plunder (which can be dangerous as there might not be enough to go around), kill the child (which is not uncommon), or more likely find a family apart from the Clans who will take the child.
3. The clan does support some younger/middle aged women because well, men like to have pretty women around. Pretty much the only reason they are there is to make their lives easier by being the lover of a Clansmen (raider) as it is dangerous to not have the protection of the clan. However once their beauty fades, and if the man who loves them is killed then the clan has no use for them.
4. There are no old decrepit clansmen. They either die in battle, or when they are no longer able to raid/fight for the band they have to take their lover/lovers (if they have one/them) and try to make a life for themselves elsewhere. Think of a wolf pack driving out the weak. Most often however they just don't survive to old age. Their lives are to violent. And if they do survive then they probably advance in clan leadership which is dangerous in itself because often the leadership changes violently.
5. Old clans are a rarity. Often the clans are disbanded or destroyed. The number of clans is in constant flux as they war with each other over raiding territory. It is a dangerous life, but a life of ease when not raiding as you don't really have to work.

Another note, since you all read the prologue I pretty much totally reworked the clans. The clans sounded far to organized in the prologue than what i was going for (there are no ranks other than Chief and Warlord). They are pretty savage men who spend their lives taking from others and being all around pretty selfish.

So ya, that's the idea. What I'm kind of wondering is do I need to explain all that now in chapter two? Or will the chapter work as this gets explained later on? Is it so confusing/offputting that I need to get this into the story before/while they with the crones? Also, does that society work to you? Is there anything about it that you just don't believe is possible.

Revast

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Re: 02-22-09 Revast: The Well of Creation - Chapter Two
« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2009, 06:33:17 AM »
Quote
**It’s over, they’ve found me. This is how it will end, devoured by bloodsuckers.  **

I thought the bloodsuckers were those five guys tracking Lightfoot through the woods? Maybe I'm just confused on that :(


Maybe I was to cryptic with the nightmare. The men in the dream were supposed to be the five men that chased Lightfoot through the woods. I tried to describe their wounds that killed them just like the five men that died (the guy that fell over water fall is a crushed mess, the guy who fell in the stake pit has wooden stakes protruding from him, the Giant (even called him a giant in the dream) has a single massive wound in his gut from a sword. The fourth man has one arrow in his eye (just like the first chapter) and the second has two arrows in his chest (just like the first chapter).

Did this not come across? Any suggestions how I could make it come across?

Quote
Bruav's character seemed a bit inconsistent with the selfish, generally mean picture you left us with in the prologue. I know you mentioned that the events of the prologue actually took place after the events of the main story, so maybe Bruav's character will change?

Yes, to some extent Brauv's character will change due to some choices he must make, and the magnitude of what he becomes involved in presses upon him. However part of what is happening in this chapter is that this place just really disturbs the warriors. They don't like to be reminded of what selfish bastards they really are. :P

Quote
For me the first third and the last third of the chapter was the most interesting. I wasn't really intrigued at all about the march through the gauntlet. I didn't understand why these women were all forced to live like rats. Also, why weren't the sick, old, and infirm men or small children living with them too? I would reconsider that little bit of your world.

If I somehow explain how the clan works better earlier in the chapter will this be as much of a problem? ie. the women live like rats because they were cast our when they were old and have few options available to them. There are no old men and children due to what i said in my previous post. Could you find yourself believing this society more?


Necroben

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Re: 02-22-09 Revast: The Well of Creation - Chapter Two
« Reply #6 on: March 04, 2009, 06:38:51 AM »
So ya, that's the idea. What I'm kind of wondering is do I need to explain all that now in chapter two?
Or will the chapter work as this gets explained later on?
Is it so confusing/offputting that I need to get this into the story before/while they with the crones?
Also, does that society work to you?
Is there anything about it that you just don't believe is possible.

No, you don't have to explain it in detail.  But the word Clan invokes family or a bunch of different families that joined together for survival.  In the way this group has been described they, to put it bluntly, don't breed.  They have a lot of violent deaths, few births, but have a few disenfranchised youths come join up.  On top of that, they collect camp followers.  The only way for them to survive is to rob and plunder those around them.  They sound like mercenaries to me, not clan.  And what do all the other Clan's do while this one roams around terrorizing the countryside?  Even if they are all farmers they would still form a militia at least.  Or have a joint militia with some of the other clans.  It just seeems like this group wouldn't be around for much more than a generation.
I don't suffer from insanity...  I enjoy every minuet of it!

It's ok to be strange, as long as it's on paper. :)