Okay...
First, I agree quite a bit with Reaves...especially when he said this: "I don't know if telly is the right word. Its like there is a glaze over the words removing us a bit from the story. Bring us closer in. Make us a part of the story.
Javik's death was devoid of any tension whatsoever."
alright, I'm going to be completely honest with you here...i hope you take it the right way...this chapter and how you depict Angel and Jason...makes you seem like you have a very low opinion of women. I'm sure that's not true...and I'm sure I seem that way in my own writing at times (because I just don't know what it's like to be a woman...), but Angel cries WAY too much, is MUCH too quick to do whatever Jason might want or will make him happy, and really has no redeemable qualities not attached to Jason. The part where Jason tries to redeem his opinion of her (saying she's different than he thought women were...) doesn't work at all. It's like trying to damm a mighty river with a single log.
It's okay to show Jason as having a low opinion of women, but through scenes and dialogue, you have to show the reader that there is a redeemable quality in your female characters - whether Jason sees it the same way or not. And, honestly, just a note...if you DO give Jason a low opinion of women, it makes it difficult for the reader to identify with him - very problematic in first person.
Also, I don't know how "young" Angel is...but I would avoid calling her a "young girl" in the story...it makes the sexuality seem VERY inappropriate and awkward...
Okay...on to other stuff...
The heart eating thing...man, I don't see how that makes any sense whatsoever...clearly he is taken over by some other force (or, at least that better be revealed to be the case farely quickly...), but it just makes no sense and is disgusting. Of course, keep in mind that I haven't read anything but this chapter...
Don't use nearly as many exclamation points in your writing...they have too powerful of an effect when used and should be used sparingly...if your dialogue or scene is structured/described correctly, the reader will provide their own emphasis in many places. Too many exclamation points make your characters seem hopped up on meth
Your dialogue and the given dialects for the characters do a pretty good job of helping you establish characters from one another and add depth.
The angel hair scene...way too "all of a sudden"...i know it's first person so you can't describe Angel's thoughts...but maybe that means you flesh it out in a conversation between the two...then tell Jason's side of considering it in his head...I don' t know...it's difficult...one of the reasons I don't like first-person in novels...way too much information to consider and try to process through one person alone...
Also...sometimes you have to cut back on describing inconsequential actions...like when he opened the bag and dropped the hair in...
Holding the hair in my right hand, I pulled my magic bag off my belt loop with my left. Using my teeth, I opened up the drawstrings. Setting the bag down into my lap, I pushed the opening wide with my fingers and dropped one strand of hair into the bag.
Just say something like, "Pulling the bag from my belt, I opened the drawstrings and casually dropped the hair inside." and be done with it...
Finally, the scenes seem to go by very quickly...like checkpoints on a board game...settle in and let the actions impact the characters a bit...it feels like someone is running behind the characters and pushing them down a trail saying, "Yeah, yeah...crying and killing, crying and killing...whatever...let's go, let's go...gotta' get to the end...let's go...!"
I like the unexpected nature of some of your scenes...I don't know if the "angel gets eaten" scene really works, but i like that you are intent on following your own path...makes for a more interesting story.
I have to say, my most interested point in the story was when Angel was eaten and he was chasing Newt...I was honestly drawn in and wanting to know if he was going to get her out alive...and then...the heart-eating scene...and I was out again.
