1-26-09 Aspirations

[Necroben]

Strong S, mild L, Strong V
Submission Summery:

Jason wandered through his grief, soothing his soul in alcohol. 
He met with a stranger, who gave him a mysterious ring.
This ring gave him a backhanded wish that, Jason, was unaware of.
He then goes on to find out that his inadvertent wish got him partially married to a female vampire.  He also finds out that to complete the marriage they have too consummate it.

Jason finds that his bride-to-be (Miranda) is not entirely pleased with the situation.
Before they can attempt any reconciliation, Jason is abducted and sent to Hell.
Jason has been given the task of collecting certain items from this list, for a spell that will transfer his soul and the ring to the Deamion.  Jason then finds himself in a different place.  Where he encounters a pretty young woman bound as a sacrifice.  Unfortunately, this woman is a spiting image of his dead wife, Kim.  The woman guides Jason back to his own campfire…

Jason goes into the town of Gorstauk with Angel.
He meets her mother and finds out she does not like him, at all.
Jason wanders the town for a bit until he meets Angel’s father,
who then sells Jason what he needs/wants of supplies.
Thinking Angel would rather stay with her mother,
Jason moves on with his quest and gets lost.
He then meets back up with Angel,
who was to be married to Javik on her mother’s say-so.
Jason cries on her shoulder, the only friend in this world he has
Thinking of Kim, Miranda, and Angel; Jason falls into a troubled asleep…

Thanks again for reading.  Blast away and have fun!

[Reaves]

...What happened when you were writing this? It literally feels like someone else. Not in a good way. I don't know what it is, its just a lot of the sentences seem a bit awkward.

When I searched my packs, the night before I had found what looked like clothes in one of them.

It might just be the misplaced comma is throwing me off, but there's got to be a better way to say this.

Lol Angel is watching him. That's funny.

The story feels very telly. Its not even like its an info-dump, its just the way you phrase things. Especially the Javik scene.

  I don’t know why I didn’t see it coming.  He telegraphed his intention.  It was there to see if I had been paying attention. 

These sorts of breaks in the action add to it, I think.

I don't know if telly is the right word. Its like there is a glaze over the words removing us a bit from the story. Bring us closer in. Make us a part of the story.

Javik's death was devoid of any tension whatsoever.

The angel hair scene was a bit anticlimactic, basically because we all knew it was coming and were wondering why the characters were so dull. Maybe her nickname is Angie, and eventually we find out out her full name is Angel? Not a perfect solution but it might buy you a few more chapters.

I like the scene where she gives him a lock of her hair. I liked this line:

Eventually sleep overtook me; Angel’s lock of hair still held in my fist. 

whoa. Balls of fire? I had no idea. I thought he was only learning a bit of healing 'herb' magic. You have to tell us these things...

Angel's death was really anticlimactic.

Lol that is disgusting. How big is Newt's heart anyway?? A human heart is seven pounds. I think Jason would be throwing up at the very least.

I am so sorry, I have loved your story so far!! This submission, though...what happened to you?? I really look forward to seeing your next submission.

[Necroben]

1) ...What happened when you were writing this? It literally feels like someone else. Not in a good way. I don't know what it is, its just a lot of the sentences seem a bit awkward.

When I searched my packs, the night before I had found what looked like clothes in one of them.

2) It might just be the misplaced comma is throwing me off, but there's got to be a better way to say this.

3) I don't know if telly is the right word. Its like there is a glaze over the words removing us a bit from the story. Bring us closer in. Make us a part of the story.

4) Javik's death was devoid of any tension whatsoever.

5) The angel hair scene was a bit anticlimactic, basically because we all knew it was coming and were wondering why the characters were so dull. Maybe her nickname is Angie, and eventually we find out out her full name is Angel? Not a perfect solution but it might buy you a few more chapters.

6) whoa. Balls of fire? I had no idea. I thought he was only learning a bit of healing 'herb' magic. You have to tell us these things...

7) Angel's death was really anticlimactic.

8 ) Lol that is disgusting. How big is Newt's heart anyway?? A human heart is seven pounds. I think Jason would be throwing up at the very least.

9) I am so sorry, I have loved your story so far!! This submission, though...what happened to you?? I really look forward to seeing your next submission.

1) Hmmm… I think I was trying to be more descriptive within first person.  On the other hand, I could have been listening to different music and that may have thrown me off.

2) Yep, slipped right by me.  Doah!

3) Ok, It’ll definitely be something I’ll try to correct in my re-write.

4) That I really need to correct.  His death is directly related to Angel’s.

5) No, but that’s not a bad idea actually.  Or something like it… hmm.

6) Yeah ***slaps forehead***

7) There was something I was trying to do, but I don’t think I set it up right.  She’s not dead.

8 ) That I didn’t know!  I thought it was only like three pounds.  Hurmm… gurrr…

9) No don’t be sorry.  Some times we all need tough love or whatever.  But this is what will (hopefully) make me a better writer.  I think this story is pretty good, maybe not publishable, but it might get me an agent.  If I can work out these problems.  The thing is, I need you and everyone else to tell me some of these things.  I’m just too close to it.  So thank you for your honest opinion.

[Frog]

Thoughts While Reading:
Okay... I would look through that first page to the dialogue again. Just seemed overly long, and telly because he is just getting dressed. I mean, I know I was telling you I wanted descriptions, but unless it is really important you scatter it throughout rather than paragraphs all at once.

"While I was at it, I decided to repack and reorganize, make my load lighter.
“What are you doing?”  She asked.
“What?  Oh, I’m trying to cut down on the weight I’ll have to carry.”  I said."
He tells us, then he tells her. Pick one, not both.

"She walked and I staggered, but she told me not to be such a baby when I offered to give her, her pack back."
Seems a strange way for her to act after being so grateful to come in the first place....

"Which was why—when taken all together—I was already more than a bit surly when Javik jumped out from behind a boulder on the side of the road."
That is a very passive way to introduce him as a new threat... Their whole relationship is a little odd to me. Does this guy want Angel sacrificed or as his wife?

Okay, there is lots of tellyness in this section but this part in particular took me out of the story:
I don’t know why I didn’t see it coming.  He telegraphed his intention.  It was there to see if I had been paying attention."

"Was this necessary?
“Yes, he would not have stopped.  With the spell he cast, he meant to kill you.  I did what I could to lessen the spell’s effectiveness, but after he knocked me unconscious…”  Angel trailed off."
She is answering a question he never voiced and seemed to have recovered rather quickly/suddenly.

Wait, I thought Javik was already dead... guess not.

What exactly did the magic do that Javik cast on Jason? It was just kind of confusing to me....

Yea! You're tagging dialogue! I would look over some of the grammar again though. Tags like 'she said' just need a comma, not their own sentence.

Okay... I guess you are explaining your magic here... Seems a bit like an info dump though, especially in the first bit... Maybe you could spread out the details throughout the dialogue and demonstrations?

If those wounds are from way back when and all the villagers can do magic, why didn't some of her family heal her way back when?

HA! Angel hair. But I thought that was your misdirection? Or was it the other way around?

"“You want to do what!  I can’t let you such a thing.”  I shouted."
NO! You make the telling of the plan suspenseful, then you react. That's just confusing/awkward, not suspenseful. Sorry... bit of a pet peeve of mine, but it is a interesting twist.

Um... where'd the fire come from?

Okay, fight scene and a possible character death. Try shorter sentences, shorter paragraphs. Make it dramatic.

Ew... why is he eating the heart?

Overall impression:
Okay, still some style problems, but I'm sure you fix a lot of it in the rewrite and it is all very interesting. Just try to scatter your details and cut down some of the tellyness. Make dramatic scenes stand out and iron out your magic system. It seems to be moving pretty well, but I'm starting to wonder about Miranda.... You did one scene from her POV, so are you ever going to get back to her?
Good Luck!

[Necroben]

1) "She walked and I staggered, but she told me not to be such a baby when I offered to give her, her pack back."
Seems a strange way for her to act after being so grateful to come in the first place....

2) Their whole relationship is a little odd to me. Does this guy want Angel sacrificed or as his wife?

3) What exactly did the magic do that Javik cast on Jason? It was just kind of confusing to me....

4) If those wounds are from way back when and all the villagers can do magic, why didn't some of her family heal her way back when?

5) It seems to be moving pretty well, but I'm starting to wonder about Miranda.... You did one scene from her POV, so are you ever going to get back to her?
Good Luck!

1) That one was from when my wife and I went camping one time.

2) If he can't have her, no one will.

3) I was trying to make it a curse.  At a crucial moment all he would see was illusion.

4) Not everyone has the skill or interest to do magic.  The ability yes.  Power, ambition, inclination, no.  I have to have it in such a way that it does not replace manual labor.

5) Miranda is the other half of the book.  I have to take it from paper and put it to the comp though.

[jwdenzel]

Hey Ben...  Not your strongest submission, but I still dig this story and your raw style. 

I noticed (as Frog did) that you're tagging your dialogue now.   I miss your style of not using them.   If you decide to go back to that, just try to keep in mind ways of making the dialogue sound different from character to character like you were doing in earlier chapters.

I agree with the others that Jason's magic ability was too abrupt. too fast.  The parts with the ring especially felt off.  Consider making him fail at some spells a few times before he gets one right.   Also, load up some of those old WRITING EXCUSES podcasts and listen to Brandon talk about "Sanderson's First Law" of magic.

Having Javick jump out of the bushes felt a little comical, IMO.

Like Frog said, I also thought Javick was dead. .. and then he spoke. It came across as comical as well.

Regarding his curse... I didn't get AT ALL that his curse was related to Jason's failure to save Angel from Newt.  If that was your intent, (and I "think" I see where you're going with it....) then you may want to drop some more hints that tie the curse and its resulting effect together.  For Example:   If Jason goes to do a fireball, it fizzles and he suddenly hears Javick's last words echo through the forest.   Something like that to tie the failure to the curse.

I was suprised (!!!!!) when Angel got swallowed.  Holy crap.

I'm mostly curious to see how Newt actually died.   And eating his heart was just plain creepy.  Eww

One thing that I keep thinking about is Jason's overall motivation.  The whole idea of going along with the plan to collect the reagents made sense when he was on the spot with the deimon. When it was "Do this or die right now."   But now that he's away from the diemon, and now that he's got this cute girl with him, it seems to me that he would try to  look for a way out of this.  Right now he just keeps moving forward toward his doom.  Consider making him try to get out of it.  He can fail, of course. Dramatically, even.  Just keep us reminded of why he has no choice but to do this.

The best part of this submission was by far, hands down, the "Healing scene".  (Get it? "Hands down" ... Oh nevermind.)  It was interesting, it revealed character, it was sexy, and it was the only time in these chapters where Jason's magic training was believable.   My only suggestion would be to consider having Angel guide him more in that scene in order to make it feel more like a lesson.  It also gives you a chance to add more sexy to it:  "Move your hands here."  "Touch me there."  etc

Keep going.  Rock this shirt.  You've got the raw writing talent.  Don't try to do too much with your story though. Focus on the main arc, keep putting Jason in trouble, and you'll be fine.

J

[Reaves]

Eh...turns out I was completely wrong about the heart= 7 pounds thing I think I pulled that from the Will Smith movie called Seven Pounds...doesn't he give his heart away?
Anyway...a human heart is something like 5/8th of a pound. So ignore that.

[jwdenzel]

Eh...turns out I was completely wrong about the heart= 7 pounds thing I think I pulled that from the Will Smith movie called Seven Pounds...doesn't he give his heart away?
Anyway...a human heart is something like 5/8th of a pound. So ignore that.

Ah my eyes! My poor spoiler-sensitive eyes!

;-)

[Reaves]

I haven't seen it. I don't even know if its out yet. That's just what I thought the whole premise of the movie was...SPOILER who he should give his heart to. SPOILER
I am sorry though, I seem to be accidentally giving spoilers away a lot lately.

[jwdenzel]

I haven't seen it. I don't even know if its out yet. That's just what I thought the whole premise of the movie was...SPOILER who he should give his heart to. SPOILER
I am sorry though, I seem to be accidentally giving spoilers away a lot lately.

LOL, no worries.  I was joking.  You'll get used to my warped sense of humor eventually. ;-)

Cheers
J

[Necroben]

1) I noticed (as Frog did) that you're tagging your dialogue now.   I miss your style of not using them.   If you decide to go back to that, just try to keep in mind ways of making the dialogue sound different from character to character like you were doing in earlier chapters.

2) I agree with the others that Jason's magic ability was too abrupt. too fast.  The parts with the ring especially felt off.  Consider making him fail at some spells a few times before he gets one right.   Also, load up some of those old WRITING EXCUSES podcasts and listen to Brandon talk about "Sanderson's First Law" of magic.

3) Regarding his curse... I didn't get AT ALL that his curse was related to Jason's failure to save Angel from Newt.  If that was your intent, (and I "think" I see where you're going with it....) then you may want to drop some more hints that tie the curse and its resulting effect together.  For Example:   If Jason goes to do a fireball, it fizzles and he suddenly hears Javick's last words echo through the forest.   Something like that to tie the failure to the curse.

4) I was suprised (!!!!!) when Angel got swallowed.  Holy crap.

5) One thing that I keep thinking about is Jason's overall motivation.  The whole idea of going along with the plan to collect the reagents made sense when he was on the spot with the deimon. When it was "Do this or die right now."   But now that he's away from the diemon, and now that he's got this cute girl with him, it seems to me that he would try to  look for a way out of this.  Right now he just keeps moving forward toward his doom.  Consider making him try to get out of it.  He can fail, of course. Dramatically, even.  Just keep us reminded of why he has no choice but to do this.

6) The best part of this submission was by far, hands down, the "Healing scene".  (Get it? "Hands down" ... Oh nevermind.)  It was interesting, it revealed character, it was sexy, and it was the only time in these chapters where Jason's magic training was believable.   My only suggestion would be to consider having Angel guide him more in that scene in order to make it feel more like a lesson.  It also gives you a chance to add more sexy to it:  "Move your hands here."  "Touch me there."  etc

7) Keep going.  Rock this shirt.  You've got the raw writing talent.  Don't try to do too much with your story though. Focus on the main arc, keep putting Jason in trouble, and you'll be fine.

J

1) I haven't really decided yet.  I mean I like not having them, but if it doesn't work... then well it doesn't work.

2) Yeah, I see your point.  I'm going to revamp this whole section, replot it, everything.

3) That's a really good idea.  I'll play with a few ideas that generated.  Thanks!

4) Haha!  I got something right.

5) I think that might tie into the "mention something three times" device.  Hmm...

6) The thing with that scene though is that I don't want to cross that invisible line from plot device to porn.  I just didn't feel right putting more in.  Not that I'm all that adverse to it per se, but I do have to consider my audience.  But thank you for the advice, I'll think on it.

7)  Thanks!   

Eh...turns out I was completely wrong about the heart= 7 pounds thing I think I pulled that from the Will Smith movie called Seven Pounds...doesn't he give his heart away?
Anyway...a human heart is something like 5/8th of a pound. So ignore that.

Yeah now that you mention it, isn't the human heart only as big as your fist?  Er, your heart your fist, or something like that.  But you brought up a good point though.  I can see now where that could be confusing.

[Frog]

Yeah now that you mention it, isn't the human heart only as big as your fist?  Er, your heart your fist, or something like that.  But you brought up a good point though.  I can see now where that could be confusing.

Yep, your heart is as big as your fist and your brain is as big as two fists together. At least that is what my nursing instructors said....

[Reaves]

Yeah now that you mention it, isn't the human heart only as big as your fist?  Er, your heart your fist, or something like that.  But you brought up a good point though.  I can see now where that could be confusing.

Yep, your heart is as big as your fist and your brain is as big as two fists together. At least that is what my nursing instructors said....

I don't think I've heard that about the heart before. But for the brain I usually use the good 'ole "big as your head" trick 

[Necroben]

Yeah now that you mention it, isn't the human heart only as big as your fist?  Er, your heart your fist, or something like that.  But you brought up a good point though.  I can see now where that could be confusing.

Yep, your heart is as big as your fist and your brain is as big as two fists together. At least that is what my nursing instructors said....

I don't think I've heard that about the heart before. But for the brain I usually use the good 'ole "big as your head" trick 

Darn!  I just spit tea all over my key board! fshgaehoad dfhjjodh... that's a little betterdhdgjhm.  Doah!

[Reaves]

lol yessss!