Author Topic: 1-12-09 Aspirations  (Read 3843 times)

Pipe

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Re: 1-12-09 Aspirations
« Reply #15 on: January 17, 2009, 01:50:59 PM »
Happy I could help ^_^

2) Well as to that, I had severel suggestions to stay away from writing out accents.  So what I tried to do was set it up in description so that the reader could pronounce it the way they wish. :-\

Well, it's not so much showing an accent as it is portraying what could be a natural reaction to someone faced with a name from a different culture. In some ways, learning a different language is easier than learning how to pronounce a culture's names - at least the language will have set rules. :P

jwdenzel

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Re: 1-12-09 Aspirations
« Reply #16 on: January 21, 2009, 11:03:48 PM »
It's interesting that in earlier chapters, you SHOW the Stranger's accent by "spelling it out" phonetically, but here in this chapter, with the Kim doppleganger, or whatever she is, you write her normally and just TELL us that she has an accent.   Why the change? 

BTW - don't think I've not noticed that you don't use things like  "said Jason"  or "she said."   That's a hard thing to avoid, and you do it well.  That said, I think you can take your dialogue up a notch or two so that the character voices aren't so similar at times.  I sometimes find myself having to try and figure out who said each line, which is definitely NOT what you want readers doing, eh?

O_O   His name is Jason De[...]  ?!?!   ;-)

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Angel where did I know that from—not the biblical angel, of course—it rang a bell but I couldn't think straight right now.

I don't buy this.  He's not an idiot, but he was just told by a DEMON to find the hair of an angel.  I don't think he'd forget that.

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It was enough to make me want to pull out my hair.

*snark*  See my immediate comment above.

The end of chapter 21 would be a perfect lead-in to a chapter from Miranda's POV. :) It's also a good break in Jason's adventure.

The encounter with Angel's dad felt a little too easy.

Ok, all these mentions of Angel's hair are driving me nuts. :) Even if the character named Angel is not intended to give him some of her hair, I recommend that Jason (or, heck, even Angel herself) should think of and consider the idea.

There were a few places where I noticed you changed tense.  The last one was on page 16:
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Angel just rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

Consider putting it back in the past tense.

Finally, you had some typos in there.  Places where you said "there" and meant "their",  etc.

These are not my stories. I just write them.

jwdenzel

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Re: 1-12-09 Aspirations
« Reply #17 on: January 21, 2009, 11:54:55 PM »
I understand your MC needed to let go or release some built up pressure, but it just was a disappointment.  I was hoping that there was going to be some romantic flame built between Angel and him but instead they only held hands and he cried all night.  It's just me.  I do get that he is torn between the memory of his wife, a vampire lady who I missed out on, and Angel.  Basically...you know the story, if this scene is 100% necessary, keep it.  If not...lose the crying and get some kissing going on! lol

I respectfully disagree.  The sexual tension in the story is good.  Tension in books is good.  Keep it.  The moment you have them jump each other's bones is the minute that tension leaves.  And quite honestly, asside from the sexual tension, Angel hasn't got a lot going on otherwise.  Yet.  Just need time to develop her character.


These are not my stories. I just write them.