1-12-09 Aspirations

[Necroben]

The fourth installment and...

A summary of sorts, or at least things that I wanted to accomplish.

Jason wandered through his grief, soothing his soul in alcohol.
He met with a stranger, who gave him a mysterious ring.
This ring gave him a backhanded wish that, Jason, was unaware of.
He then goes on to find out that his inadvertent wish got him partially married to a female vampire.  He also finds out that to complete the marriage they have too consummate it.
Jason finds that his bride-to-be (Miranda) is not entirely pleased with the situation.
Before they can attempt any reconciliation, Jason is abducted and sent to Hell.
Jason has been given the task of collecting certain items from this list, for a spell that will transfer his soul and the ring to the Deamion.  Jason then finds himself in a different place.  Where he encounters a pretty young woman bound as a sacrifice.  Unfortunately, this woman is a spiting image of his dead wife, Kim.  The woman guides Jason back to his own campfire…

Blast away, have fun, and thank you for reading! 

[M]

Ok, I read your first chapter and have not been able to read your other submissions, but your summary brought me in quite well.

I have to say, I really like your MC.  He is cleaver and his humor amuses me.  Two lines that really made me laugh:

I carried a dagger but had no idea as to how to use it effectively.  I mean it couldn’t be all that difficult, pointy end goes into opponent’s body, and repeat.

- Loved this, don't change it.

Contemptuously I moved my gaze away from him, scanning the rest of the crowd for any other like-minded idiots.

Ok, just a few suggestions:

You could do with a little bit more description instead of telling us how your characters feel.  For example:

“We don’t have to go there if you don’t wanna.”
“Thank you!  They were the ones who put me out for sacrifice.

  Maybe instead of just having her say "Thank you" you could say, "Her eyes lit up immediately as she clasp her hands together and graciously thanked me...." Not the best wording, but you get the idea.  The point is, help us to know how much that means to her, more than just saying, "Thanks."

I think you can get rid of this sentence.  You kinda already eluded to him in the paragraph before:

I paid special attention to this one man because of his warring emotions, if he’d been able to keep them to just one or at least two that complimented each other, I would have over looked him completely. 

Here's another time where describing her body language could say more than just telling: 

“Who?  Oh, you mean Javik, yes, we need to leave.  He is very dangerous to me or anyone around me.  Where can we go?”

  She doesn't seem scared at all.  I would say something like,  "Angel shifted around nervously, looking over her shoulder for someone." Or something like that.

The mother sounds a little Asian in this sentence:

Is she like prize won at fair?

lol, just me I bet.

That she was mad at me was clear, I just didn’t know why

I'm not sure why your MC doesn't understand why she is mad.  She just got done telling him that he had put them all in danger.  Maybe he could say, "She was mad at me that was clear, but how exactly I put everyone in danger was a mystery to me."

I feel like there could be some work done on separating the internal dialog and the character dialog.  In this paragraph, I didn't know he was speaking out loud and yet suddenly she is correcting him.

I felt like burrowing my way under a log and living with whatever was under there.  How did I have such a talent to make women I meet cry?  Sorry?  I felt wretched, like pure scum, anything under that log was better than I was.  When I said as much, she threw a stick at me.
“You will not say such things!  You may be an uncaring oaf, but you are better than bugs.”

Ok, overall I really liked it.  The pace is good and the MC is a hit.  I personally didn't care for the whole crying over the hot girls shoulder and telling her about his dead wife.  I understand your MC needed to let go or release some built up pressure, but it just was a disappointment.  I was hoping that there was going to be some romantic flame built between Angel and him but instead they only held hands and he cried all night.  It's just me.  I do get that he is torn between the memory of his wife, a vampire lady who I missed out on, and Angel.  Basically...you know the story, if this scene is 100% necessary, keep it.  If not...lose the crying and get some kissing going on! lol

[maxonennis]

I haven't read it yet, but I have to say, Necro, I was in the middle of reading Chapters 1-15 before you sent this one out. Now it will take me another day before I'm finished 

[Reaves]

As I was reading your summary I realized you are doing something, either consciously or unconsciously, that works very well. I don't know what its called in technical writing but it goes like this: "good thing, bad thing."

Jason is sunk in depression. Bad thing, right?
Someone gives him a magic ring that grants him a wish. Good thing, right?
The wish marries him to a vampire. Bad thing, right?
And so on. Just wanted to point that out.

As I stood looking down at her, I could see were her slip did not completely cover the skin over her shoulders and chest.

Just say it  Dancing around the fact that he can see down her shirt just makes it seem silly 

After that, you've got more than a page of almost pure dialogue without any tags. You lost me, and I had to go back and find out who was talking.

I looked at her and I hadn’t thought to ask her name.  I had believed I already knew it.  I still did.

perfect! Write more lines like that.

I feel the need to point out here that I had assumed that Jason had been sent back to Earth.

Why don't they know what scarecrows are? They're hardly a modern invention.

I know books are for quick romances, but this still seems to be going a bit too quick. He would have begged her to come with him? He just met her. Crying on her shoulder? Just met her. Telling her his soul is forfeit to a Deamion and he's collecting a bunch of wacky ingredients? Just met her.

Really though, I do like it. Pacing is quick and keeps me involved and caring. I really see you using first person to get inside Jason's head; good job.

[Necroben]

You could do with a little bit more description instead of telling us how your characters feel.  For example:

“We don’t have to go there if you don’t wanna.”
“Thank you!  They were the ones who put me out for sacrifice. 

  Maybe instead of just having her say "Thank you" you could say, "Her eyes lit up immediately as she clasp her hands together and graciously thanked me...." Not the best wording, but you get the idea.  The point is, help us to know how much that means to her, more than just saying, "Thanks."

Here's another time where describing her body language could say more than just telling: 

“Who?  Oh, you mean Javik, yes, we need to leave.  He is very dangerous to me or anyone around me.  Where can we go?”

  She doesn't seem scared at all.  I would say something like,  "Angel shifted around nervously, looking over her shoulder for someone." Or something like that.


I feel like there could be some work done on separating the internal dialog and the character dialog.  In this paragraph, I didn't know he was speaking out loud and yet suddenly she is correcting him.

I felt like burrowing my way under a log and living with whatever was under there.  How did I have such a talent to make women I meet cry?  Sorry?  I felt wretched, like pure scum, anything under that log was better than I was.  When I said as much, she threw a stick at me.
“You will not say such things!  You may be an uncaring oaf, but you are better than bugs.”

Thanks M!  That helps a lot!

As I was reading your summary I realized you are doing something, either consciously or unconsciously, that works very well. I don't know what its called in technical writing but it goes like this: "good thing, bad thing."

Jason is sunk in depression. Bad thing, right?
Someone gives him a magic ring that grants him a wish. Good thing, right?
The wish marries him to a vampire. Bad thing, right?
And so on. Just wanted to point that out.


After that, you've got more than a page of almost pure dialogue without any tags. You lost me, and I had to go back and find out who was talking.

I feel the need to point out here that I had assumed that Jason had been sent back to Earth.

Why don't they know what scarecrows are? They're hardly a modern invention.

I know books are for quick romances, but this still seems to be going a bit too quick. He would have begged her to come with him? He just met her. Crying on her shoulder? Just met her. Telling her his soul is forfeit to a Deamion and he's collecting a bunch of wacky ingredients? Just met her.

Reaves:  On the Good thing Bad thing, until you pointed it out I don't think I realized just exactly what it was that I was doing.  After thinking about it though I believe I started using a device that I'd heard called carrot and stick to keep the plot moving.  I just never realized I was doing it.  Good catch!

I'm going to go through and make it more clear with tags during my re-write.  I'm noticing that others are getting confused as well.  This is the way to learn though.  Thanks!

I was trying to get across that Jason also thought he was still on earth.  And that it was surprising to him to find that he might not be.  Did I accomplish that, or was I just too confusing?

I'll edit out the scarecrows.

The thing about Angel is that Jason thinks of her as his wife.  Could I do a better job of getting that across?  Maybe foreshadow it better or have him think about it more?

Thanks M and Reaves for your input!

[Reaves]

Carrot and stick, that was it!!

I guess having him think more of her as his wife would help.

[M]

You know, like I said, I have only read your first chapter and this one so keep that in mind. 

I was trying to get across that Jason also thought he was still on earth.  And that it was surprising to him to find that he might not be.  Did I accomplish that, or was I just too confusing?

Coming from my standpoint, I didn't know where he was, so I'm not much help here.

The thing about Angel is that Jason thinks of her as his wife.  Could I do a better job of getting that across?  Maybe foreshadow it better or have him think about it more?

I say no.  In fact, I think you said too much to be perfectly honest.  I think your MC said that she reminded him of his dead wife like 3 or more times.  I don't think you need to foreshadow anymore than you already did. 

And the scarecrow thing...just me...but I liked it.  It made it more mystical and jarring.  I was like, "Where the heck is this guy that they don't know what a scarecrow is?"  If you remove it, it's not the end of the world, but personally it made me think.

[Reaves]

I was trying to get across that Jason also thought he was still on earth.  And that it was surprising to him to find that he might not be.  Did I accomplish that, or was I just too confusing?

It was clear that Jason thought he was still on Earth. I just wanted to point out that we as readers all assumed that as well, but are getting more and more clues that he probably wasn't.

[Frog]

Thoughts while Reading:
Okay, I am seeing a lot of 'I did this' and 'I did that' sentence structure. Try to very it a bit more.

Good dialogue here, but you really need to tag it or break it up by action or something.

'She was the proper demur maiden now.  Eyes downcast, head bowed, hands over her heart; how could I tell her no?'
Wait... she was acting like a proper maiden, so he couldn't say no to taking her to a village where they were going to kill her? Seems a little odd...

And now the dialogue is sounding a bit too old English on his end. "I could not allow that nor...?" I guess I don't know enough about these characters to know there background, but I guess it is coming off as a little inconsistent.


I don't think I really understand why it would be safe for her to come back now, but maybe it is just a weird custom that is supposed to confuse both of us (Jason and me).

Okay, break seems a little off. I mean, it looks like it would make more logical since to break it when they finish talking for the night, rather than in the middle of it all.

Angel seems like a rather convenient name for her to have...

Besides some mundane camping action, chp 20 just seems more of the same stuff about Jason lusting over Angel. Personally, I would cut it all together.

Where the pointy end goes...

You really don't need to give us Jason's thoughts on everything. Pick your favorites, then let the rest of the action/dialogue around him stand by itself, or use enough description of the event for us to draw the same conclusion Jason did. It will have the same effect, and flow a bit better.

zenith, that's a new one!

Angel hair? Duh! didn't he just meet someone that was so conveniently named Angel?

Characters are coming off a little inconsistent to me, or maybe just a bit rushed in the transition? Like Angel. You kept telling us that she was proper, but then running off after some unknown stranger isn't a very proper thing to do...

Overall impression:
I personally felt that the pacing needs the most work. Not that it needs to be longer or shorter per say, but that you can cut down a few scenes and then add a lot more description, life and color to the ones you have left rather then just Jason thought this or did that (not that I don't like Jason, because I do, and I am pulling for him, I just want more of the rest of the world).  But the story still seems to be coming right along so good work.

Oh, and to answer your questions, I thought that we were on earth in the last chunk, but it didn't take me very long to figure out we weren't in this one. And I felt you hit the 'she looks like my wife' concept over the head with a sledge hammer.

[Necroben]

1) Angel seems like a rather convenient name for her to have...

2) Angel hair? Duh! didn't he just meet someone that was so conveniently named Angel?

3) You really don't need to give us Jason's thoughts on everything. Pick your favorites, then let the rest of the action/dialogue around him stand by itself, or use enough description of the event for us to draw the same conclusion Jason did. It will have the same effect, and flow a bit better.

4) Oh, and to answer your questions, I thought that we were on earth in the last chunk, but it didn't take me very long to figure out we weren't in this one. And I felt you hit the 'she looks like my wife' concept over the head with a sledge hammer.

1 & 2)  I figured I'd use an old magicians trick; have people focus on one hand (the obvious) and do something else with the other (the devious).

3) Is there a specific scene you could use as an example?  That way I can get a general feel for what may be wrong in the rest of the story.

4)  When you say a sledge hammer... do you mean that I said it too much or that it just doesn't work?  Or that maybe I hit the nail on the head, but with a sledge hammer?

[Frog]

1&2) You completely got me then. Good job. 

3) Mostly it was just a general feeling, but I'll see what I can do...

*pulls story back up*

I wrote that during the town sequence, when they go through the town and meet the mom (Chp 22).

There were a few telling lines that seemed unnecessary like 'This proved to be the wrong thing to do' when her next actions would have shown us that anyway.

You sum up all your details about the town in one paragraph, when, since it was a new world and all, I would like a bit more scattered throughout (Jason's thoughts on it and just describing it like it is). 

You use words for emotions when I would like to see it varied with body language a bit more, and if you do one you don't need the other (Angel is studying the floor, so I don't need Jason to tell me that she was uncomfortable).

And then you give us a two paragraph thing on his reaction to Sybil's one paragraph dialogue I would skimp on.

Sometimes you can just give us the actions and let us figure out the reason. 'I didn't know, so I...' could have been deleted....

The rest here just seems to be dialogue (another good chance to scatter in details about the town and the father's appearance) until the end, where again, you tell us that dad isn't happy, but you could find ways to show this instead (frowning, eyes narrowing, a nervous twitch)....

So, that is one scene you could play with. Most of my stuff here is very subjective and I am not saying that you can't tell when you want to speed the story up or that Jason thoughts are unnecessary, but hopefully there were enough ideas there for you to see what I was trying to get at when I said you could vary it or tone it down a bit.

4) I thought it was a little over done, but not so much that I would have thought to comment on it on my own. That's what I get for playing with metaphors...

Any of that helpful? Because I can try again. Or just shut up. That might be the better option at this point, since I don't always know what I am talking about....

[Necroben]

Any of that helpful? Because I can try again. Or just shut up. That might be the better option at this point, since I don't always know what I am talking about....

Yes, that was all helpfull Frog.  And please, never shut shut up, all comments are welcome; as are opinions.  Part of what I'm trying to do is find my target audience.  Not only who I should write toward, but those I am seeming to writing toward.  If that makes any sense?  Thank you very much, everyone.

[Frog]

Any of that helpful? Because I can try again. Or just shut up. That might be the better option at this point, since I don't always know what I am talking about....

Yes, that was all helpfull Frog.  And please, never shut shut up, all comments are welcome; as are opinions.  Part of what I'm trying to do is find my target audience.  Not only who I should write toward, but those I am seeming to writing toward.  If that makes any sense?  Thank you very much, everyone.

Mission successful then. I just don't ever want to come off as overly critical, since you all know my stuff is far from perfect. And I get what your saying about audience. The more I read your guy's stuff, the more I think I should be shooting for a younger audience (YA or so) with the stuff in mine. Which means a lot more editing because I like to talk/type. But comments are still good all around so I will keep submitting and make everyone suffer through it with me  .

[Pipe]

Hello Necroben!

Jumping into the tale with Chapter 19 with just your summary as a context.

Chapter 19:

Things that I liked: My favorite parts were Sybil's rant and when Jason thinks/narrates: "I assumed we were in the village square because it happened to be square.  "

Suggestions:

* I have to agree with the following observations Frog made:

Okay, I am seeing a lot of 'I did this' and 'I did that' sentence structure. Try to very it a bit more.

Good dialogue here, but you really need to tag it or break it up by action or something.

I think that one way to address the first would be to add a bit more detail to the actions. For instance, Chapter 20 starts: "I got up from where I had been sitting  and moved to the other side of the fire."  The phrase "from where I had been sitting" doesn't really give us any additional info, as opposed to if there was a description of where Jason had been sitting exactly etc.

As to the second, this was most noticeable during the initial Jason - Angel interchange.

* This might just be my personal thing, it jars me sometimes when descriptive words or metaphors are used in too close a succession. This happened to me with the use of "haunted" in the first paragraph of Chapter 19, the "warring emotions" description/metaphor in Chapter 21, and the word "time" when Jason is thinking about Sybil's harangue in Chapter 22.

* Frog also pointed out the Angel Hair-> Angel possibility, and I think that red herring is obvious enough that I found it surprising that neither Jason or Angel noticed it/commented on it at the end of the last chapter.

* I found the following sentences a tad confusing:

A deep voice boomed out of the late afternoon light.

This seemed more suitable if the voice was coming from somewhere beyond Jason's line of sight, but it seemed to me that Jason could see the man at that point, so I thought for a moment there was another person speaking.

The landscape had gradually changed as I walked, but caught up in my own misery I hadn’t noticed. 

If Jason hadn't noticed the scenery (enough that it surprised him when he noticed how much it had changed) then I don't think he'd know that it had changed gradually as he walked.

* Several minor things: I found it a bit strange that Angel seemed to have no problem pronouncing Jason's last name since her culture seems very different. (Or maybe that's just because I'm asian and I don't quite know hot to pronounce it myself )   

---

Thanks for sharing the story ^_^ Hope my comments are of some help.

[Necroben]

Pipe, thank you, your comments are very helpful!

1) If Jason hadn't noticed the scenery (enough that it surprised him when he noticed how much it had changed) then I don't think he'd know that it had changed gradually as he walked.

2) * Several minor things: I found it a bit strange that Angel seemed to have no problem pronouncing Jason's last name since her culture seems very different. (Or maybe that's just because I'm asian and I don't quite know hot to pronounce it myself )

1) That was something that I missed totally!  Thanks!

2) Well as to that, I had severel suggestions to stay away from writing out accents.  So what I tried to do was set it up in description so that the reader could pronounce it the way they wish.