Author Topic: 12-29-08 Aspirations  (Read 2047 times)

Necroben

  • Level 14
  • *
  • Posts: 633
  • Fell Points: 0
  • What use the ability to read if one never uses it?
    • View Profile
12-29-08 Aspirations
« on: December 29, 2008, 06:13:22 AM »
Hello all!  Time for round three.  I've done the synopsis (very brief) and added a short message about my change of pov.

Thank you one and all for reading!
I don't suffer from insanity...  I enjoy every minuet of it!

It's ok to be strange, as long as it's on paper. :)

Reaves

  • Level 23
  • *
  • Posts: 1226
  • Fell Points: 1
    • View Profile
Re: 12-29-08 Aspirations
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2008, 09:29:55 PM »
yay, first post!

for some reason I didn't realize the previous chapter left off with the MC talking to the Stranger. Im prolly just remembering it wrong, but it was a bit jarring.

Ah, now I see that I read too fast. I didn't realize it was the dog-demon speaking. Whoops.

I did not at all understand the explanation of the daemion, Ring, familiar, and souls. Too much.

Quote
Now this attack really pissed me off!
This sentence struck me as funny. What else would an attack do?

Maybe instead of having it be a memory of what happened after the cab crashed, just have her start off there. Go back in time and retell the story from her point of view.

Very cool vampire powers btw. Hypodermic fangs...thralls...seeing scent trails...

Although when she starts explaining the souls and what it means to be a vampire, I thought it was too much of an info dump.

It seems a bit cliche for the bad guys to have red scent trails and the hero to have a blue scent trail. But maybe thats just me.

I like the sensory details of what the scents looked like, though. Not something you often have to describe!

More info dump about how to kill a vampire. Just give us a hint that she is not invincible, and that ought to be enough for now.

That is a bit disgusting about how the guy has strips of flesh hanging from his face. I think he would be sobbing and weeping, pleading, incoherent, after only the first or second time.
This really does show that Miranda would do almost anything to find Jason, though.

Ah, now I read on and the begging continues.

Saying she is not a monster seems...a little out of place. She just tortured a man, excrutiatingly. Again, saying she showed mercy? Maybe make it a bit more obvious that she is only deceiving herself. Obviously she should think she is doing the right thing, the only thing she can do.

Back to the MC. Yay, a bag of holding! Cool that it gives him what he wishes for.

I don't understand why, when he rescues the blond girl, he can't just look around for the light of his fire.

Now I see that she has to point it out for him. What is he, some kind of idiot? Sorry, just seemed a bit unbelievable.

Also, does he just fall in love with every girl he sees? Not a single thought of Miranda.

This chapter was a bit meh for me. Nothing struck me as really bad, but nothing that really resonated with me either.
Quote from: VegasDev
RJF: "AHA! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Cairhien, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a warder when he is only the distraction! Get him Rand! Buzzzzzzz!

Necroben

  • Level 14
  • *
  • Posts: 633
  • Fell Points: 0
  • What use the ability to read if one never uses it?
    • View Profile
Re: 12-29-08 Aspirations
« Reply #2 on: December 30, 2008, 12:02:19 AM »
Thank you Reaves. 

I wasn't sure if the info dumps were too much or not. 

I didn't even think about the colors of the scents until you said something, and I see your point.

With the light of the campfire I was trying to get across that he's someone who's never really been in the deep woods before.  I'll have to find a different way.  I really don't want people to think Jason's a complete idiot.

Is there something in particular that would make you think that Jason loves her?  Or does he just seem attracted to her?
I don't suffer from insanity...  I enjoy every minuet of it!

It's ok to be strange, as long as it's on paper. :)

Frog

  • Level 13
  • *
  • Posts: 578
  • Fell Points: 0
  • "Have a popover, Froggie!"
    • View Profile
Re: 12-29-08 Aspirations
« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2008, 10:24:11 PM »
While I was reading this I realized I somehow missed you last time when thought I did everyone. It wasn’t intentional and I hope you don’t feel slighted, but I’ll try to make up for it by being particularly vicious this time.  ;D

My over all impression of the section was that though I liked the story, your style seems a bit jerky and awkward throughout, almost like you’re just giving us the bare-bone details and rushing it a bit. So I am going to try and point out a few places to look at and see if it helps.

Okay, first thing I noticed was some of the dialog (esp with the dog-thing at the beginning) seemed a bit too awkward/stiff to be believable. To fix this, I would suggest reading them out loud in your best character voice and seeing how it flows (I do it all the time and it weirds my family out, but it really seems to help). You also don’t seem to use any dialog tags at all. I mean, I know a lot of people will tell you to be careful with tags, but a few more of them to break up the dialog would have been helpful to me.

And I got really tired of the H joke at the beginning by the third time around....

Then there is the first person narration, which don’t get me wrong, I am a big fan of, but I would like a few more concrete details too just for some…variety for a lack of a better word, and to set a clearer scene in my mind. Like the dog thing. You may have described him earlier, but reading it now I was confused because I was picturing a dog, and then it was opening doors and things. And it also seemed to be leaving at rather convenient times for unexplained reasons other than just to be sure that the familiar boy could talk with Jason....

And yes, I was a little lost on some of the magical explanations, and the arrangement he worked out with the dog-man though I assumed it was because I am coming in the middle of things....

The Miranda part seemed fine (though with it being chp 16 and all it might be a bit late in the game to pull off multiple character lines w/o some awkwardness) but it just seemed that you were telling me all about your vamp all at once rather then letting it build through different actions and scenes (but I really did like your stuff on vamps, esp the comparison to mad cow disease, even though the placement of it seemed awkward). And I am going to have to agree with Reaves on the torture segment....

Characters in general seemed a little dry to me. It just seemed that besides yelling a lot, your guy/girl don’t show a lot of emotion, which could be contributed to some of the telliness of the narration that leads itself to be detached from the story, like he is just telling us the details after everything already took place w/o the emotion of the here and now.

Oh and one nit picky thing.
"As it spoke, it had moved around me unnoticed to block the door."
You put this line after Jason was talking. Not the dog-thing.

So that is it from me. Good luck and good work. 
« Last Edit: December 31, 2008, 01:42:31 AM by Frog »
I've already conquered the world. This is exactly the way I want it.

Reaves

  • Level 23
  • *
  • Posts: 1226
  • Fell Points: 1
    • View Profile
Re: 12-29-08 Aspirations
« Reply #4 on: December 30, 2008, 11:06:50 PM »
Maybe with the hell joke you could make the joke, without actually telling us its a joke. Instead of the dog-thing telling us its a joke, have baleful flames rise up and a shrieking wind swirl around the characters. Just a thought.
Quote from: VegasDev
RJF: "AHA! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Cairhien, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a warder when he is only the distraction! Get him Rand! Buzzzzzzz!

Reaves

  • Level 23
  • *
  • Posts: 1226
  • Fell Points: 1
    • View Profile
Re: 12-29-08 Aspirations
« Reply #5 on: January 06, 2009, 05:05:08 AM »
Is there something in particular that would make you think that Jason loves her?  Or does he just seem attracted to her?

wow sorry for taking so long to get back to you on this.

On second thought, I guess love is the wrong word. But if I were him, Miranda would at least enter my thoughts when I'm alone in the woods with a pretty girl. After all, if my betrothed was a superhuman, bloodsucking vampire who could probably snap my neck with a casual backhand and who has shown no compunction at all in torturing some poor guy, I'd want to stay on her good side.
Quote from: VegasDev
RJF: "AHA! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Cairhien, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a warder when he is only the distraction! Get him Rand! Buzzzzzzz!

Necroben

  • Level 14
  • *
  • Posts: 633
  • Fell Points: 0
  • What use the ability to read if one never uses it?
    • View Profile
Re: 12-29-08 Aspirations
« Reply #6 on: January 07, 2009, 12:57:37 AM »
Yeah, I thought about that.  On the other hand, he's never seen her do those things so he's not really afraid of her.  Part of the problem is that I cut that part short so I could get an opinion on Miranda without sending 9k+ words.  I hope it makes more sense with my next submission. :D
I don't suffer from insanity...  I enjoy every minuet of it!

It's ok to be strange, as long as it's on paper. :)

jwdenzel

  • Level 6
  • *
  • Posts: 158
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
    • JasonDenzel.com
Re: 12-29-08 Aspirations
« Reply #7 on: January 21, 2009, 09:27:55 PM »
Hey there,

Something occured to me as I read this chapter. The book started out with a certain tone and pacing. Chapter 1 was awesome. I love pretty much every word.  Now, 14 chapters later, I'm finding it to have a completely different tone.  Yes, your writing is still very good. The fast pace is there, which is also great.  But it just feels like a different book.  And I'm reading these chapters all in one sitting.    I'm not suggesting you drastically change anything. I'm just suggesting that you may want to somehow hint in the earlier chapters at what's to come: vampires, soul-stealing demons, the second ring of hell, etc. 

Just food for thought.  :)

Specific feedback

page 1:  The "Go to hell" and "What the hell?" jokes got old quick.  I suggest no more than 2, if even that many.

Quote
The Deamion tossed a piece of parchment down as I lay there,
 

Would Jason recognize parchment?  Or would he think it was just paper, and later realize it was parchment?

Quote
I must have asked this aloud because a small, sad boy answered me.

Needs clarification. I didn't realize at first that it had materialized.  If it does, a more accurate description would be helpful.

Regarding Miranda's POV....  I'm convinced that she sounds different than Jason, and that she sounds like a female.  :)   Good job.  I actually like her a lot.  She's quite cute.  Especially when she has lines like:

Quote
Yes, I can do that.  I am a Vampire; remember?

I enjoyed Jason's camping trip.  The best part is how you have him be so realistically clueless about things like types of trees and stuff like that.  Heck, I only know a few tress myself. :(

Hmmm... this new girl  (she sounds and looks Romanian in my mind), is interesting.  But I don't trust her yet.  If that was your intent; good job.

These are not my stories. I just write them.

jwdenzel

  • Level 6
  • *
  • Posts: 158
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
    • JasonDenzel.com
Re: 12-29-08 Aspirations
« Reply #8 on: January 21, 2009, 09:33:44 PM »
Saying she is not a monster seems...a little out of place.

I actually liked this contrast and thought it gave some nice characterization. She's torturing a a guy, and yet she really believes she's not a monster. She thinks her DAD is though.   Makes me wonder what he dad could possibly be like!

These are not my stories. I just write them.

jwdenzel

  • Level 6
  • *
  • Posts: 158
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
    • JasonDenzel.com
Re: 12-29-08 Aspirations
« Reply #9 on: January 21, 2009, 09:37:54 PM »
I just read your email for your NEXT installment (chap 19 ...) and it said:
Quote
Unfortunately, this woman is a spiting image of his dead wife, Kim.

This was not apparent to me in chapter 18.  Yes, you compared their eyes, and it was clear that Jason thought of Kim, but beyond that, I did not get the sense that she was the "spitting image" of her.   May want to clarify

J
These are not my stories. I just write them.

Reaves

  • Level 23
  • *
  • Posts: 1226
  • Fell Points: 1
    • View Profile
Re: 12-29-08 Aspirations
« Reply #10 on: January 21, 2009, 10:34:51 PM »
Saying she is not a monster seems...a little out of place.

I actually liked this contrast and thought it gave some nice characterization. She's torturing a a guy, and yet she really believes she's not a monster. She thinks her DAD is though.   Makes me wonder what he dad could possibly be like!


Oh yeah I agree with you, by all means have her think and act as if she is the protagonist of her own book. Make her the 'good guy' at least in her mind. It just seemed as though, from the readers' perspective, the author was telling us all the answers. Its much better to simply ask the question, and let the readers answer it for themselves.
Quote from: VegasDev
RJF: "AHA! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Cairhien, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a warder when he is only the distraction! Get him Rand! Buzzzzzzz!