Initially as I was reading this section I kept thinking to myself that I was going to be overly critical and harsh. Having read some of the other comments, perhaps I won't be.
First, I've got to say that you've got the story in there somewhere. But you have to find it! This has a lot of potential, but it really needs to be tightened up.
I thought the fights were overly long, redundant and unsatisfying. First the droves of mooks (let's just call them Kobolds, shall we?) that the heroes wade through without breaking a sweat, and then the boss monster shows up! Uh-oh!
Forgive me for asking, but have you ever studied martial arts/weapons combat/etc.? And I mean other than watching the Matrix trilogy? Research, my friend, research!
And what is black armor? Given most armor, plate or chain or whatever, it is not possible to drive a knife into someone's heart. And even with a half-asses gorget, the throat is protected from being slashed. More likely they would get stabbed in the armpit, back of the knee or in the groin, or have a blade slipped between the plates.
And they wouldn't need to kill everyone. a good dislocated shoulder or broken leg will stop a foe just as easily as decapitating them. And wrenching an arm around the wrong way would completely ignore whatever armor is worn.
I guess my point is that there needs to be just enough realism to make your fiction plausible. My suspension of disbelief failed.
At the bottom of page 8 you have your MC say "Enough." And I thought great! Time to move the story along. But again the two MCs plowed back in for some more of getting the kesters handed to them. "Enough" would have been a great point for that aukward conversation with the bad guy: "Who are you?"
"The heartcrystal is strong in this one, but he is not a crystalheart yet!" [Cue Imperial March].
Okay, the second half of the chapter is somewhat more compelling as it moves the story along. But why when the first MC gets free and them frees the other MC did they not just run for it? They could have outpaces any of the Kobalds in black armor (hey, if they wear blue cloaks are they cobalt Kobolds?).
Okay, let's see if we can edit this paragraph down to say the same thing, just in less words:
"He raised his sword one last time, preparing for another attack- and then a boot slammed into his face like white fire with a firmness that strongly resembled that of solid rock. He recoiled back, spitting blood, seeing stars- and then the silver-haired man continued his spin, slamming his heel into the side of Aermyst's head, this time blossoming entire spiral galaxies into his skull. He fell sideways."
The edit:
"Aermyst raised his sword one last time -- but a boot smashed into his face like white fire! He recoiled, seeing stars. And then his nemesis spun and slammed his heel into Aermyst's temple, entire spiral galaxies blooming in his skull. He fell sideways."
Hey, can one of you English majors explain the difference between action words like "slammed" and "slamming"? My English theory is too old (Chaucer-ian, perhaps) and I can't remember the proper terms. What I can say is the former is more distinct than the later. Oh, and I would avoid using the same word "slam" in the same paragraph twice.
I think trimming the fights scene would help the pacing and keep the reader engaged (yeah, I started skimming after a while). And though fights can be fun to write, don't forget that it also needs to move the story along.
Good luck! Back to work!!
