When you put in lots of modern slang and song references, it is good and everybody understands. But in a year, two years, five? no one will know what you are talking about and it really dates the book. Every read the Pendragon cycle? (not arthur. I think it started out as a teen-level series.) the author put in a ton of common slang and words but when I read it ten years later I was laughing at the archaic phrases. Something to think about.
Trohs is pretty cool, but if you want him to sound intimidating don't let him say things like "anyhoo" and "Hold still now."
Thanks a lot for all your help. You're right about the slang and Troh's dialogue; I need to change those up. I have a weakness for plot dumps that I need to get over too. I should maybe split some of the reveals into earlier chapters.
when I wrote this, I wanted to cram as much as I could, so the people who read it (you guys aren't the first ones, sorry) would have a better idea of what he could do for the fighting scene.
What happened before all this is that 1, Jared had his birthday and his dad revealed what the family could do. 2, Jared freaks out and tries to forget all about it. for the most part his family lets him be. 3. Caleb comes in and this chapter happens.
However, I don't quite understand why Jared was afraid of dying if he knew the changing would make him survive.
Jared, besides knowing the whole shapeshifting thing, has no clue what abilities come with it. He doesn't know what he can live through, and Caleb intends to show it to him. in this chapter the point was to show what he can start to do, and to introduce his fear-smelling ability. Each shapeshifter character will have a different specific ability; Caleb's is near precognative reflexes.
The only thing that I can really add is about the wolf/dog/mutant thing. Which is it? I could see Caleb and Jared as wolves and Trohs as a werewolf but that added mutant thing kept throwing me out of the story. I would suggest pick one are run with it.
Trohs is a werewolf, rather than a shifter. The thing is that werewolves here get their power from the new moon, rather than the full one, because of plot. Werewolves are infectuous; they can make people one against their will. Shapeshifters, along without having the bipedal ape form, is stuck within a family. The only way to make someone who is not a shapeshifter into one is for the family to adopt them and for them to get some blood from a shapeshifting person. It's complicated.
Most shapeshifters, along with the other family based magical creatures (there's more, trust me) regard Werewolves as freaks, mainly because they aren't bound to bloodlines. It sort of became instinctual for the "regular" magic beings to dislike Werecreatures, which is part of why Jared thinks Trohs is freaky. the other part is that Trohs really is freaky.
Jared sees Trohs as a mutant, that's the only reason he's described that way. I'll take it out.
I don't understand why he would assume that an "oily" smell is bad or dangerous. Its a city. He's been smelling things all day.
the fear scent gives Jared bad vibes. I need to make that more clear.
That line about "the average Joe's ability to ignore the obvious" is a good line. But unless you have some serious magical explanation for why people ignore talking dogs, take it out.
I'll add a sort of natural "shroud" ability to all the magic characters in a later draft. If the presence of magic makes regular people hallucinate normality, then it makes everything much easier. I'll keep the joe line until I really have to explain the shroud. Caleb would lie to Jared just for a cool line.
...I have a problem with lame non-fight scenes. I need to add some family tension or something to make things more interesting in the non-combat parts.
I was disappointed when I got to the end and there was no more to read.
Thanks!
That helps a lot.
