Fateshapers - Ch1

[Manyang]

I think the problem is that everybody refers to eachother as young, (youth/boy/little girl) however such words are relative to the one saying them. If Fuei is nineteen and Lias fourteen (for example) he would refer to him as a man, especially when he's standing there dripping blood. If they are roughly the same age he would probably use something a little more age-neutral (a guy/bloke/dude/whatever)

The image of proficiency is in part due to you mentioning Dani's skill with a sword without mentioning it being practised as a sport, or otherwise unusual.

[little wilson]

I just thought of something about the weapons proficiency. Someone made a good point that the swords as relics wouldn't generally be grabbed first. Maybe Lias and the rest were just going to go with no weapons but their own hands, but Fuei, as the Warden and the most experienced in battle, sees the swords as weapons and not decoration. Maybe he's the one who tells them to use the swords...Then that explains why they use them.

[Flo_the_G]

The beginning was far too cluttered. Mainly with indistinguishable people, as has already been said, but also with references to actions. There was something about tables that were moved around that was only mentioned once and then never again. Then there's the fact that noone remarks on the bloke with the bloody knives, they all seem to take that in stride when I would expect at least mild interest to show.

The setting isn't at all clear, first you think it's a normal urban setting, then you think urban fantasy, and then you're completely confused.

A longsword made of copper?

When Lias goes to get the necklace he falls, grabs the necklace, and falls again, without standing up in between - or did I miss that?

The Warden is either healed far too quickly or described as far too wounded. After that fight I would have either expected him to croak, or to remark on his miraculous recovery.

A better introduction would have been in order, even only a few short moments of talking would have sufficed, something to better establish setting and characters.

That said, the pacing was excellent and made for a very good read. The flashbacks were a bit irritating, but in a good way. They seemed to fit in quite well, and they gave just enough information to leave the reader slightly confused but very interested to find out what the hell is going on.

[Karl]

Okay, my turn.

First, if you were going for an anime feel, you got it. I mean, swords and schoolkids? Anime! Sword made of copper? Anime! Mysterious ninja guardian? Anime!

Yes, I had to re-read the beginning a couple of times to figure out who was who. I don't think the first section was clearly in Lias's POV as much as the later sections were in Fuei's or Jordan's. I don't mind that Lias thinks Fuei as "probably his sister's age" as long as somewhere you establish her age.

I would take the 2nd paragraph and expand it into at least three. It feels like an infodump without the info. Lias has to "figure out what fresh insanity"? What was the previous insanity? Having a snooping principle is every kids' fear.

What happened to the knives in his hands that were covered in blood? Why doesn't anybody seem distressed that there is a stranger at the door with blood soaked hands? Who opened the door? Why wasn't the door slammed in his face and the bolt shot?

I would rearrange some of the following sequences such that Lias's climax is last. Let Jordan's story and Fuei's play out first. By showing us the flash of light in Lias's story I already know what was going to happen when Fuei ascended the stairs.

And why is Fuei running up the stairs? What's wrong with a good stagger and limp? He just got the $#!7 kicked out of him!

I would refer to the relics in a more descriptive fashion. I caught that Lias's mother is an archeologiest, so having relics in the house makes sense  -- just not in the order that you present them. How about Lias's mom's collection of artifacts?

Hmmm... now that I think of it, I would prefer bronze to copper. Copper is too soft. Also, copper or bronze would not make for a very long sword, so no more than a short sword. The advantage of steel was beiing able to make loonger weapons. So what do you think? Sumarian? Assyrian? Would fit the right bronze-age requirement. Why not a short sword covered in a green patina?

While you're at it, why not make the axe blacked blackened with age? Less obvious that it is just silver that is heavily tarnished.

Okay, okay! Silver axes and copper swords is anime!

Umbrakin. Y'know, early on I was afraid I was going to be reading someone's gaming journal. For the most part you avoided this. I couldn't quite tell Fuei's stats based on his attacks or if he made a crit against the first werewolf. However, Umbrakin smacks too closely to White Wolf's World of Darkness werewolves. WoD used umbra travel and had unbral walkers of various kinds and flavors.

So I suppose this brings up my next questions: what's so special about your werewolves? If you are using them as a generic shorthand for "insert badass monster here" then they start off cliche and stay there.

Having said all this, I would not have put this much thought into it if it didn't provoke much thought. Certainly you have the core of a good story that could use some refining and expanding. I look forward to reading the next few chapters.