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Fateshapers - Ch1

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AvalonDreamer:
This is the first chapter of my attempt to rewrite one of my longest projects. Fateshapers has a place very close to my heart, and it would honor me deeply if you would be as honest as possible with your critiques and feelings on it.

Originally I intended to write this segment of the series in 5 books, then have a prequel book (a la New Spring, then pair of trilogies delving far back into the history of the world. As for anything later, I'm not sure yet. Just want to finish all of the work I've planned.

I hope you enjoy, and that this rewrite isn't slaughtering the crap out of my story. ^^

WEKM:
Oh boy! My first chance to possibly get to kill someone's little darling.  I can hardly wait to read it now.
You my friend are next to be read. Let me go and get the pointy sticks and read hot pokers.  ;D

Silk:
I've had mine warmed up for days now. ;)

Again, not a terribly organized crit. I mostly talked about things as they came up:

I'm a little confused as to the setting in the first couple paragraphs - I don't really have a grasp on what things look like and where exactly the characters are. You've also got some detailed descriptions of the characters in the first couple pages but because you're using pronouns way more often than you're using names, I'm not sure which description belongs to which character.

You're using a lot of pronouns throughout, actually. I'm sometimes unclear who is talking to whom, or who is doing what, and it's making it a lot harder to visualize the events in the story.

Also, we have what seems to be a contemporary setting with some really anachronistic things - such as the medieval weapons and even Feui's name. Happy to go along with this, but we don't get any explanation at all in the first chatper as to what the setting actually is, and I think we need some sooner than you're going to give it to us. We don't need everything all at once. As a reader, I don't mind waiting for a full explanation, but I do need to sense that there IS one out there.

I thought that Fuei killed the werewolf a little too easily. Here we have this great, arrogant, snarling, horrific creature, and it spits insults at him for a bit and then has its head sliced in half.

Page seven, Jordan sees Fuei "either passed out or dead... and hoped for his sake it was the latter." Um, you DO mean Jordan hoped it was the former. Don't  you? Also, while in Jordan's POV you use Fuei's name, but Jordan doesn't seem to know who Fuei is, so it seems strange that you would refer to Feui by name even though you're using Jordan's POV.

I'm a bit torn about the pacing. On the one hand, the fast-paced action scene approach can be a quick way to bring the reader into it. On the other hand, we're thrown into this scene where we don't really know who to root for, or why we should care about the characters involved, or what's being fought for, or anything. While reading I was leaning towards the "too much happening to quickly" direction. Now that I've finished the first chapter I'm pretty much sure of that. Nine pages later, all this stuff has happened and I still don't have the faintest idea what the heck's going on - which makes it a lot harder to care about the characters and the story.

Purely for their own sake, though, the action scenes were fun to read and well done. I don't think you should lose that fast paced feeling altogether. Just stagger it more, and/or give us even a thread of explanation to cling to.

You also have some really nice last lines in terms of ending scenes. The one about Jordan wishing he'd never met Lias was particularly memorable - not only  does it make sense, it actually made me laugh out loud.

On a stylistic note, you have a lot of long sentences, some of which get a little meandering - not to the point of obfuscating their meaning by any means, but they're a little harder to read, I think. Varying the structure and the length of your sentences can also do worlds of wonder in lending emphasis to a particular idea or emotion - I'd challenge you to go back and see what you can do with that when you're ready to line edit, or even when you write the next chapter.

Reaves:
Wow. It seems like a lot happens in this story. You might need to introduce the characters and setting a bit more, especially the kids. What is their personality? What are they like?

It was good how you used the marble to remind him of his mother. More stuff like that.

Also I was very confused by the setting. You start off with a guy holding a pair of bloody knives. Then you mention the kids go to school. Then another guy shows up with a sword.

It kind've seemed like everything happened too fast. Maybe you can do some explanation in between attacks? Just an idea.

And wow Raethe, you are my hero for using "obfuscating" on an internet forum. Amazing.

Necroben:
“They wouldn't be they, would it?”  ? ? ?

This might be a little early but why do they all have swords?  The current setting suggests that archaic arms would not be normal, or at least the children would not know there use.


The impact caused the sword to cleave the wolf's head, the skull cracking as the steel
drove it's way through.  ----This might be a little nit-picky, but I see Fuei as being a kid, 12-13 yro.  It takes a bit of strength to shear through bone.  And did it cleave or did the sword stab?


When he didn't answer, it moved even closer and raised it's hand hand, cackling     ? ? ?

he used the small shelf to pull himself unsteadily to his feet.----This simply re-enforces child-like stature.

I really like the story so far though.  It seems that it will get to a point where they will travel from one world to another, and I’ve always loved those type adventures.  The werewolf’s are cool, though if they were capable of catching a sword mid-slash then they would probably be harder to kill as well.

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