Choices (WEKM) Dec 01

[Karl]

I guess I see parentheses as something used in non-fiction or technical writing, but not in creative writing. I suppose the only exception would be if the story was in first person with the MC as narrator.

So when I'm in a 3rd person story and there is this narrative intrusion, it jarred me.

This is much like Necroben's over use of the semicolon. It is a break with common writing convention.

Now if you have a specific stylistic reason for using them, fine. But be aware that some may not like it.

So, Raethe, have we beat this horse enough? I think it's dead!

[wcarter4]

OK I like the idea of a father and son reunion, in fact I would say this works as a family story beyond its superhero overtones. I only have two problems with it. First you called the guy "young" four times in the first two paragraphs. Show don't tell. Second the dossier could use some work and finally "an accident at a chemical plant" is the origin story of way to many heros and villans (one from the watchmen), Spiderman in a manner of speaking, the Joker, two face, Doctor Doom and a few others I'm probably missing.
The only other request I have is that from now on you don't use courier new single spaced. The journalism major in me screams at that font (it's what our printers use if there is something wrong the the standard formating of a page).

[Silk]

Haha. Yes, quite dead.

[WEKM]

My poor horse.
And I still have payments to make on him. 

[WEKM]

The only other request I have is that from now on you don't use courier new single spaced. The journalism major in me screams at that font (it's what our printers use if there is something wrong the the standard formating of a page).

I apologized earlier, as I grabbed the file that was a straight TXT to DOC conversion with no reformatting. I am ashamed.

Thanks  for all the other comments guys. I  guess I have a lot of work to do. Still, not bad for a first draft, eh?
Don't worry, I'll get back to polishing it until it is blinding.

[wcarter4]

Eh no worries, two keystrokes was all it took to fix it on my screen.

[Hayley]

-blink-

-blink-

This had me completely.... I think involved is the word. Almost cried when poor Evie shouted out about how it hurt. Poor them....

And then OMG and WTF were the only other things I could say whilst reading it. In shock, let me assure you.

Apart from a few typos, it was very well written, kept the suspence up as you got to the story being told... even if I did think it was a little slow to begin with.

Congrats, I think.

[Manyang]

I'm really not sure what to make of this story. I really liked the gritty direction you took the story when you told the story of what happened in Blasters last mission only to kind of shoot yourself in the foot by having his son appear later on. I’m not really sure what to think about all the crying going on. In itself I don’t mind it, I’m having a hard time applying it on the over the top über masculine archetype of the superhero. All in all I think there is a perfectly fine story in there, it could do with some polishing though.

I didn’t like the character sheet setup you set off with. That said I’m not at all sure how you could work around it in this case. Somehow I think it could be worked into the dialogue, or perhaps even skipped in its entirety. Since his powers are not essential to the plot I’d guess you could get away with cutting it actually.

If Kevin is his son I’d expect a stronger fondness for him, if not overt, then in his own mind. In order for that revelation to work you’d need to stick with Kevin as viewpoint character.

The orange chair thing works for me but takes too long. To me he passed the test when he asked which one he meant, arguing which right chair he could take didn’t really add anything after that. Also the clarification for testing him could be scratched at this point, and be given in short when he gets back to the opening discussion later on.

The talk about Blasters file needs some more dialogue tags. In this dialogue I lost track of who was saying what. Also, why are they telling each other what’s in the file only to recognise moments later that the other one also read his bio? Wouldn’t that make the information known to both parties?

Also, I got a chuckle out of you naming the villain the Patriot.

The Yoda quote pulled me out of the story. One way of making it work is to announce upfront that she likes quoting Yoda, and then have him mimic it. (Or you could just scratch it)

The telling of Blasters fate was the part that managed to suck me in most. The word by word telling didn’t put me off; I was desperately waiting for a flashback which would show me some action.

I rather liked the way you had him destroy his family up close and personal. Nothing says emotional impact quite as strongly as incinerating your family in your own arms. The thing that shot it down though is him knowing they were powered. And there’s no real way of him not knowing it either, at least not while maintaining the close-knit family image you had there. If they all knew their powers, how where they captured, and why was there so much crying involved if they were expecting to all survive the ordeal? The other thing that stuck out was the way in which they selflessly chose to be incinerated for the greater good. This is an impossibly large sacrifice to make so easily.

The hypocrite part contains far too much explanation where a simple yes would suffice. (This would be the par where you could have him explain why he tested Kevin in the beginning, if you really want to have him say more here.)

The reveal that Nobel was Blaster did work out for me. I was too involved in the action to really consider it coming.

Kevin not knowing his background I can believe, having a huge tattoo on your arm and not questioning how or where you got it is harder to conceive. Wouldn’t other people ask about it?

The gun scene is great.

I miss a point after Kevin getting back his memory in which Nobel flashes a knowing smile. Clearly he set him up to make that decision right after hearing about his own big sacrifice.

I was disappointed by the father-son twist as it watered down the earlier emotional impact.

The names in parentheses are redundant and take us out of the story for no reason. Though I didn’t find them insulting as such, I do agree that they should be scratched.

[Dangerbutton]

     First off, I would like to point out that, although I love superhero movies, and have read a few superhero comics, I've never read a superhero novel. As such, I'm not entirely familiar with the style of the genre. Keep that in mind when reading my comments.
     Overall, I liked it. I like superheroes. I think they're awesome. Simply having them in your story already earns it some cool points. I thought the characters, their backgrounds, and their powers were well thought out, and pretty cool.
     However, I felt that it was a little hard to believe that the character was able to make the connection that Nobel was both Blaster and his father. With the evidence given, I never would have come close to guessing either. I think it is just fine that he makes those connections in the first chapter, but I think it would need more obvious clues than were given.
     Another part that bothered me was Nobel's narration of what happened to Blaster. While, by the end, it is understandable why he would be able to know so many details about the event, the way he tells it doesn't seem believable. Even if he was there, and knew the details of the event vividly, would he tell it like that? It felt too much like you were just narrating the scene normally, than actually having Nobel relate the story.
     Despite those setbacks, however, I liked it, and think it has a lot of potential. Superheroes are awesome.