Local Authors > Reading Excuses

Dec 1st, 08 - Birthright - Prologue

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Dangerbutton:
So, ignore the top left corner where I have the name and date and so on for when I turned it in as my final project in Creative Writing... I uh, forgot to remove that...

Necroben:
While the magic appears to be original, the name Scriptomancy is really rather close to Michael Stackpole’s Cartomancy, and seems to share some elements.

It could be the length, but I’m really not into the character yet, nor can I say much more on other things, as they might be resolved with further reading.

All in all the story is an interesting one (in the way you have presented it).

jjb:
Opposite to Necro, I thought the story was long enough to get me into the character. I'm actually worried about the feuds between the houses and how that will affect their defense in the possible invasion.

I loved the magic system (the writing part, anyhow. I would assume you have more than just the physical and scribing powers.), though I haven't read Stackpole so I don't know whether it's copycat or not.

I didn't see many plot holes and the way the characters interacted was realistic. The only problem I saw was when he was writing on paper, it commanded the desk to shoot forward. It seems to me like only the paper would have shot forward since he were writing directly on the armchair when it shot away.

The fact that he heard bullets and the barging in of Rogers and his gang gave me a Pirates of the Caribbean-like feel. Not necessarily the pirates, but the time period.

Reaves:
Wow that was pretty intense. I'm impressed.

With some of it though, I think you could let the reader figure it out instead of spoon-feeding. For example you said something along the lines of "because he had written sloppily, the chair moved sloppily." Instead say something like, "he scribbled a quick line on the chair and it moved sloppily to comply." Once we see this happen a couple times later on in the book, we'll figure it out.

Also towards the beginning it seemed like both Edwyn and Rogers were talking about something they already knew.


--- Quote --- You’re aware of this, no doubt. Zheng Wii, and his whole army, have been camped in our old Homeland for four months now. It is only a matter of time before they march southward and fall upon our land.” Edwyn paused for a moment, looked up, and stared Rogers in the eyes. “Our annihilation will be ensured so much more easily if Zheng Wii can catch us quarreling amongst ourselves. Is that what the Archelaines want?”
--- End quote ---

Again its kind've like you are spoon-feeding the reader. These two men already know the army is there.

I really like the idea for the magic system. Very cool. You have a very interesting world set out as well. And you grabbed my attention right away! I want to keep on reading.

WEKM:
I like the take on the magic system, I think it's rather original, and you seem to have thought it out.

I enjoyed it as a read, but I have yet to know which side I am supposed to be rooting for, that is a good thing for a prologue. I find myself desperately wanting more and that is just what you want, to keep the reader reading.

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