12-01-08 Aspirations Chapters 1-7

[Necroben]

They are small chapters, so I hope nobody minds, but I sent out about 4k words.  Well, I will also say thanks for reading and hope to get your honest opinion.  (Should I continue or focus on my Day Job?)

[Reaves]

I think you should  really try to grab the reader's attention right from the beginning. Move as close to the inciting moment as you can.

Show don't tell. Maybe you can have him sitting at the bar, having a drink, and thinking of one particular memory of his wife.

Don't list all the different cities and countries he has been to; maybe in chapter 2 or 3 have someone look through his briefcase or whatever and pull out his passport, covered in stamps.

Also the faux english accent was just really annoying 

[sortitus]

Also the faux english accent was just really annoying 

I thought that that was the point of it.

The story moves refreshingly quickly. At times too quickly though. The repetition of the conversation with The Stranger in such close proximity to the original bugged me. The prose early on is a little too florid for me. But now I'm just getting super picky.

[Necroben]

Also the faux english accent was just really annoying 

I thought that that was the point of it.

The story moves refreshingly quickly. At times too quickly though.

Was it the dream sequence or another part that moved too quickly?

[M]

Great work.  I enjoy the first person narrative, it is different from the usual stuff I read. 

Ok, just the nit-picky stuff: Se Senor is spelled, Si Senor and the Senor needs a mark above the N.

I was a little confused with the Stranger and his dialog.  He seemed to be switching back and forth from his weird English to normal.  Was that on purpose?  It's probably just me.

I agree with the other comments.  The story started out great, very moving, but then seems to jump rather quickly.  I like the use of bars and your descriptions of his mental state in each.  I think the whole ring section could be spiced up a bit, particularly the Stranger and his giving it to your character.  I think after some revisions, this story has lots of potential.   

[Necroben]

Great work.  I enjoy the first person narrative, it is different from the usual stuff I read. 

OK, just the nit-picky stuff: Se Senor is spelled, Si Senor and the Senor needs a mark above the N.

I was a little confused with the Stranger and his dialog.  He seemed to be switching back and forth from his weird English to normal.  Was that on purpose?  It's probably just me.

O.k., how do you do the mark above the N?  I can't find the right key.

As too the dialogue switch, yes that was on purpose.  I had the idea that if you have a shape-shifter then accents would also change with the shape.

[M]

Señor

Try copying and pasting this into your word document.  I just copied it from the Internet.

Good luck!

[sortitus]

Was it the dream sequence or another part that moved too quickly?

I don't know if I really think it moved to quickly. I'm split. On one hand I love the fast pace, but on the other I wish there was a bit more detail. I don't know if the entire work moves like this. If it does, I'd be worried about losing important details. The scene in the hotel room moves nicely. Use that as a guide. Then again, the MC is drunk/dead tired throughout the sequence we have, so it could just be an effect you're using.

[WEKM]

That was a rally interesting start.  I felt just as confused and lost as the main character.
I will be honest, at first I was almost scared out as I am still dealing with the scare I got from my wife's cancer treatment.
However, it really helped me feel for the MC.

 I have to agree that the replay of the bar conversation had me confused to the point that I thought I had backtracked.
 The change was rather dramatic when I got to it.

I'm looking forward to seeing just what has happened to him.

[Necroben]

That was a rally interesting start.  I felt just as confused and lost as the main character.
I will be honest, at first I was almost scared out as I am still dealing with the scare I got from my wife's cancer treatment.
However, it really helped me feel for the MC.

When I originally started writing the story it was supposed to be horror.  So I tried to think up the one thing that would scare me the most and of all the things that came to mind, that was it.  (brought tears to my eyes)  And I said, I've got to use this, somehow.  I think it'll be moved in the next re-write but I want to keep it.  (or learn to kill my darlings)

[Karl]

Okay, here's my take:

I found the internal first-person narrative to be a bit overdone. I think a lot of the details of the MC problems could have been brought out in a conversation with The Stranger. This would give you the opportunity to developer the MC as well as The Stranger.

If the MC is inebriated throughout the first 5-6 chapters, would you consider altering his internal monologue into the thoughts of a drunk person? Much of what he was thinking was a bit too clear and precise. If his thoughts are muddled on top of his actions, then he could be an unreliable narrator.

There was some repetition that I found hindering. You first told us he was a drinker, told us he was at a bar, told us again he was in a bar, later on told us he wanted to just be in a bar, told us he wanted a drink. How could you revise this such that the character's actions or environment indicate his intoxication?

For example: (after The Stranger first speaks to him) I sipped the last of my drink -- like so many before it -- and pushed it towards the bartender. "Anuth'r" I said as I fished for my lighter. Where was that lighter?  I just had it! Oh, it's in my other hand! "Hey, buddy" the bartender said, "that fifty you dropped is almost gone. You sure you want another?" "Yeah," I said, as the cigarette fell from my lips.

Okay, that's a bit cheesy, but I hope you get the point.

Lastly, I didn't care for your over use of semi-colons to link partial sentences. It made for difficult reading.

On the bright side these are all things that can be fixed. I don't have a problem with the setting or characters (the little we know of them).  This is a good start! And don't let the revision process prevent you from moving past this into chapters 8-1000!!

[Silk]

If you're using a Windows computer you can get the ñ by hitting ALT and 164 on the number pad to the right (doesn't work with the numbers up top). And, as I just discovered, make sure that Num Lock is on. You can also get the í for the sí by hitting ALT 161.  "se" is actually a reflexive pronoun in Spanish, means something kind of different

I agree that there’s a lot of repetiton you could weed out of here, and that you could do a lot more showing than telling.

At one point, the stranger dropped his false accent and at the same time dropped all contractions in his speech as well. I’m not entirely sure why either change occurred.

A lot of people – in fact, everyone except the narrator – seems to be speaking in dialect. It’s kind of annoying. I didn’t mind the stranger or the Spanish lady, but that the bartender and the cabbie both did it too was something I found irritating.

I really don’t have much more for you. I’m very interested in the premise and curious to see where the story goes from here.

Sorry my comments are kind of minimal. This has to be my shortest crit yet by a long shot.

[wcarter4]

I'm not going to say anything about the accents or repetition since everyone else did, what I would suggest is that you give a slight transition between his getting in the cab and the dream sequence if you do want to use it so close to the original conversation.
As it is, it's too difficult to follow. Another option would be to go with someone else's idea of the MC being an unreliable narrator and make his thoughts drunk as well.

[Necroben]

If you're using a Windows computer you can get the ñ by hitting ALT and 164 on the number pad to the right (doesn't work with the numbers up top). And, as I just discovered, make sure that Num Lock is on. You can also get the í for the sí by hitting ALT 161.  "se" is actually a reflexive pronoun in Spanish, means something kind of different

Sorry my comments are kind of minimal. This has to be my shortest crit yet by a long shot.

Thanks, that's really cool.  ñ  í  Hmmm...what does it mean then, what did I say?

I was so looking forward to have something to read for an hour.   S'o.k. though.  What you've given is a lot of help.

I would also like to take the time to say thank you to everyone for reading and giving me your comments, I know many of us don't have a whole lot of time, so every little bit is much appreciated.

Thanks again Y'all!

[Silk]

Well, it didn't really mean anything because "se" only means something in particular sentence structures. "Se levanta," for example, "(s)he gets him(her)self up".

If you'd put an accent on the e (ALT 130) "sé" would have meant "I know", which is slightly more interesting? I guess?

(Those keyboard shortcuts come in REALLY handy when you study Spanish, what can I say...)

Augh! My crits aren't that long are they? Sorry, I'll try to do better next time. In the meantime, have random facts about the Spanish language!

Me gusta mucho el lengua de español...