« previous next »
Pages: [1] 2   Go Down

Author Topic: The Horror  (Read 5628 times)

The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers

  • Administrator
  • Level 96
  • *
  • Posts: 19211
  • Fell Points: 17
  • monkeys? yes.
    • View Profile
    • herb's world
The Horror
« on: December 29, 2003, 11:02:35 AM »
Ok, Gemm, anything specific you want us to comment on with your story?
Logged

Gemm: Rock & Roll Star; Born to Rock

  • Level 57
  • *
  • Posts: 4591
  • Fell Points: 0
  • I Am Your Worst Nightmare's Dream
    • View Profile
    • Perfect
Re: The Horror
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2003, 11:42:12 PM »
Right right. I know the beginning sucks, so any pointers on how to up the ante there. And just overall comments about it I guess.
Logged
“NOTHING IS TRUE. EVERYTHING IS PERMITTED.”
                William S. Burroughs

“Who needs girls when you’ve got comics?”
                Grant Morrison’s Flex Mentallo

The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers

  • Administrator
  • Level 96
  • *
  • Posts: 19211
  • Fell Points: 17
  • monkeys? yes.
    • View Profile
    • herb's world
Re: The Horror
« Reply #2 on: December 30, 2003, 07:46:25 AM »
well, it's not finished, but I think you know that.

As for the opening, I think I'd just cut out the first three paragraphs and insert the necessary info later in the story (i'm not sure if any of those three are necessary unless the rumors are important to the plot). It stands by itself that he's heading home from the theater, I don't think we need a description of the countryside, and you can describe him as you go.

which is my other main critique. I can't see what's happening well enough. Describe for me the characters and settings a little better. Also describe Jones' (is that his real name) internal reactions.

You've got a good start on the feeling I think you're looking for. I can definitely see it coming, but tighter descriptions will drive it home.
Logged

Gemm: Rock & Roll Star; Born to Rock

  • Level 57
  • *
  • Posts: 4591
  • Fell Points: 0
  • I Am Your Worst Nightmare's Dream
    • View Profile
    • Perfect
Re: The Horror
« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2003, 12:42:32 PM »
Well, I want him to be nameless. Thats why the Dr. "gives" him a name. Plus I also want to start a scary rumor around college of a madman. Yes, I know it isn't finished, I was rushed by another Mad Dr. to finish it uncreatively.

The reason the first few paragraphs are as, is because I was trying to just write a simple thing for Jeffe's contest. Then I decided to just write a story about it instead.
Logged
“NOTHING IS TRUE. EVERYTHING IS PERMITTED.”
                William S. Burroughs

“Who needs girls when you’ve got comics?”
                Grant Morrison’s Flex Mentallo

Fellfrosch

  • Administrator
  • Level 68
  • *
  • Posts: 7033
  • Fell Points: 42
  • Walkin' with a dead man over my shoulder.
    • View Profile
    • Fearful Symmetry
Re: The Horror
« Reply #4 on: December 31, 2003, 12:19:53 AM »
Why do you want him to be nameless? Its a cool idea, but I need a good reason in order to accept it.

Also, as a story, we need some explanation of Neumann's motives.
Logged
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die." --Mel Brooks

My author website: http://www.fearfulsymmetry.net

Gemm: Rock & Roll Star; Born to Rock

  • Level 57
  • *
  • Posts: 4591
  • Fell Points: 0
  • I Am Your Worst Nightmare's Dream
    • View Profile
    • Perfect
Re: The Horror
« Reply #5 on: December 31, 2003, 01:13:05 AM »
I want him nameless because the setting is the college I go to. And I want that "Oh wow, did that actually happen to someone" factor.
Logged
“NOTHING IS TRUE. EVERYTHING IS PERMITTED.”
                William S. Burroughs

“Who needs girls when you’ve got comics?”
                Grant Morrison’s Flex Mentallo

Fellfrosch

  • Administrator
  • Level 68
  • *
  • Posts: 7033
  • Fell Points: 42
  • Walkin' with a dead man over my shoulder.
    • View Profile
    • Fearful Symmetry
Re: The Horror
« Reply #6 on: December 31, 2003, 03:17:26 AM »
Ah, so you're trying to build it up as a local legend kind of thing? In that case, don't put any of it from the guy's point of view--we can't see the world from a nameless guy's perspective, because he obviously knows his own name. Local legends thrive on the "friend of a friend" vibe, so approach it that way, through the eyes of a third party narrator.
Logged
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die." --Mel Brooks

My author website: http://www.fearfulsymmetry.net

Gemm: Rock & Roll Star; Born to Rock

  • Level 57
  • *
  • Posts: 4591
  • Fell Points: 0
  • I Am Your Worst Nightmare's Dream
    • View Profile
    • Perfect
Re: The Horror
« Reply #7 on: January 11, 2004, 07:30:37 PM »
Woot, I finished it. 5 pages it is, it is. So anyone who isn't in the writers group who may want to take a peek at it, just launch me an e-mail asking for it. kaven100 @ canton.edu. Its in the profile too. I'll send it off to the Group tonight.
Logged
“NOTHING IS TRUE. EVERYTHING IS PERMITTED.”
                William S. Burroughs

“Who needs girls when you’ve got comics?”
                Grant Morrison’s Flex Mentallo

Gemm: Rock & Roll Star; Born to Rock

  • Level 57
  • *
  • Posts: 4591
  • Fell Points: 0
  • I Am Your Worst Nightmare's Dream
    • View Profile
    • Perfect
Re: The Horror
« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2004, 11:15:56 PM »
Ok, since I'll probably not be around wednesday eve, feel free to comment liberally upon my work now. Tell me what you think of it overall, and the ending.

Also tell me what you think could/needs improved. And anything else you think could use a comment.
Logged
“NOTHING IS TRUE. EVERYTHING IS PERMITTED.”
                William S. Burroughs

“Who needs girls when you’ve got comics?”
                Grant Morrison’s Flex Mentallo

The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers

  • Administrator
  • Level 96
  • *
  • Posts: 19211
  • Fell Points: 17
  • monkeys? yes.
    • View Profile
    • herb's world
Re: The Horror
« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2004, 11:23:27 PM »
we'll probably wait to chat about it till you can be there, but I'll finish it up and comment some more.
Logged

Mistress of Darkness

  • Level 37
  • *
  • Posts: 2322
  • Fell Points: 0
  • Mama
    • View Profile
Re: The Horror
« Reply #10 on: January 15, 2004, 01:09:11 PM »
Hey Gemm, I never got the extra pages.
Logged
" If i ever need a pen-name I'd choose EUOL, just to confuse everyone. " --Entropy

Gemm: Rock & Roll Star; Born to Rock

  • Level 57
  • *
  • Posts: 4591
  • Fell Points: 0
  • I Am Your Worst Nightmare's Dream
    • View Profile
    • Perfect
Re: The Horror
« Reply #11 on: January 15, 2004, 02:30:52 PM »
Yes, well, I'm going to resend the whole thing because I've finished editing it to the bone, corrected spelling and grammar errors. So now all thats left is a bit of critique. Plus I added SE's point into the beginning. Adding the girl to the start so we realize he cares for someone. Or whatever it was SE pointed out.
Logged
“NOTHING IS TRUE. EVERYTHING IS PERMITTED.”
                William S. Burroughs

“Who needs girls when you’ve got comics?”
                Grant Morrison’s Flex Mentallo

Lieutenant Kije

  • Level 33
  • *
  • Posts: 1945
  • Fell Points: 1
    • View Profile
Re: The Horror
« Reply #12 on: January 22, 2004, 10:11:09 PM »
I missed the discussion of this last night.  Did you want comments on some specific things, Gemm, or just in general?
Logged

Gemm: Rock & Roll Star; Born to Rock

  • Level 57
  • *
  • Posts: 4591
  • Fell Points: 0
  • I Am Your Worst Nightmare's Dream
    • View Profile
    • Perfect
Re: The Horror
« Reply #13 on: January 22, 2004, 10:19:09 PM »
Yes, generalize it captain.
Logged
“NOTHING IS TRUE. EVERYTHING IS PERMITTED.”
                William S. Burroughs

“Who needs girls when you’ve got comics?”
                Grant Morrison’s Flex Mentallo

Gemm: Rock & Roll Star; Born to Rock

  • Level 57
  • *
  • Posts: 4591
  • Fell Points: 0
  • I Am Your Worst Nightmare's Dream
    • View Profile
    • Perfect
Re: The Horror
« Reply #14 on: January 25, 2004, 09:50:05 PM »
Ok..... stupid internet. Had a post here for SE. I added a line to the end, I think there should be one last one, but I can't figure it out. Here it is:

"People still talk about it to the day, the story being twisted and torn asunder, as are all stories that are told orally."
Logged
“NOTHING IS TRUE. EVERYTHING IS PERMITTED.”
                William S. Burroughs

“Who needs girls when you’ve got comics?”
                Grant Morrison’s Flex Mentallo
Pages: [1] 2   Go Up
« previous next »