Author Topic: Peks 4  (Read 4549 times)

Lieutenant Kije

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Re: Peks 4
« Reply #15 on: January 16, 2004, 12:48:20 PM »
You don't have to draw out the scene.  It's just me being selfish as a reader, who wanted to see more.  But I do think it's a good opportunity to flesh out Birge's role, if you want that.

You could maybe introduce Caval as a rumor and a shadow.  When P&B go to the south field, the men can claim to have seen a wild beast on the edge of vision, watching them.  They can claim that it's hunting them.  It'd be like bigfoot, though - no more than one or two men see it at a time, and they exaggerate its appearance.  They attribute evil to it because they're afraid.  Then, maybe a week or five days into their work, Caval appears front and center to meet his master.  The men freak out, and so do the boys, but tension is relieved when they learn the beast isn't there to kill them.  Over the next week or so they all become accustomed to Caval, and his relationship with the boys is established.

Of course, that's a fairly heavy rewrite with lots of additions overwhat you've got, and I don't know if you want that.  It's just a suggestion to make Caval fit into the story a little smoother, in my opinion.  By lending him an evil start (even if it was undeserved,) and then making him a friend, you associate him with the ambiguity of the supernatural powers as well.

The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers

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Re: Peks 4
« Reply #16 on: January 16, 2004, 12:50:43 PM »
yeah, I'm putting it in the notes.

Mistress of Darkness

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Re: Peks 4
« Reply #17 on: January 17, 2004, 06:46:24 PM »
Quote
And just to clarify, I'm not distraught at all that there's some confusion about his motivation. Rather I'm pleased. That's my point. You're not SUPPOSED to know what Judilek is.


That's not what I'm trying to say. I'm trying to say that I can't tell what your saying. Period. Your diction is confusing. I don't care that who Jud is as a character is unclear either. I just care that what you're talking about is undeciferable.

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I'll wait for other people's feedback, but it seems to me that you're being too picky and putting too much modern middle class values on everyone's behavior. Peks and Birge don't have a reason to care about looking silly. They only have one or two sets of clothes anyway. Peasants just don't care that much. *shrug* I'm not trying to say dont' criticize, I just don't think many of these particularly apply.


If that's how you feel about it, then why do the boys care?

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"They're still soaked," Peks observed about the clothes.


Granted, perhaps you only put that observation in there so that Birge could tease Peks about "knowing things". But if it's not important, don't mention it. Say something else that enforces a "whatever" attitude that the boys have about the clothes, rather than leaving it hanging. And I'm sorry for obsessing.
« Last Edit: January 17, 2004, 07:00:59 PM by Treyva »
" If i ever need a pen-name I'd choose EUOL, just to confuse everyone. " --Entropy

Entsuropi

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Re: Peks 4
« Reply #18 on: January 18, 2004, 02:42:41 PM »
SPOILER
Eh. I might have to read past chapter 7 if thats what you put in after that point. Interesting. I didn't guess you had that in store for Birge. He seemed like he was going to become a traitor and enemy later on.
If you're ever in an argument and Entropy winds up looking staid and temperate in comparison, it might be time to cut your losses and start a new thread about something else :)

Fellfrosch

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Re: Peks 4
« Reply #19 on: January 18, 2004, 10:31:28 PM »
Weird. I hadn't anticipated that reaction to Birge.

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Re: Peks 4
« Reply #20 on: January 19, 2004, 05:26:21 AM »
It seems to fit his character. And on the subject of Jordan characters, i always felt that Matt, having one of the most interesting power sets among the characters, got not nearly enough time.
« Last Edit: January 19, 2004, 05:31:57 AM by Charlie82 »
If you're ever in an argument and Entropy winds up looking staid and temperate in comparison, it might be time to cut your losses and start a new thread about something else :)

Fellfrosch

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Re: Peks 4
« Reply #21 on: March 03, 2004, 08:46:52 PM »
Remember how I was talking about long sentences? Here's an example of something easily avoided, so that the long sentences you're really attached to can stay:

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Peks couldn't think of how he got there, there had had been no one on the road; he supposed he could have been looking down at the road, but how could he have missed someone coming from over the countryside.


You've got a run-on sentence in the beginning. If you broke it up, like so:

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Peks couldn't think of how he got there. There had had been no one on the road. He supposed he could have been looking down at the road, but how could he have missed someone coming from over the countryside.


then you can get more mileage out of the long sentences that you really need.
« Last Edit: March 03, 2004, 08:47:30 PM by norroway »
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