Timewaster's Guide Archive

Haha, Yeah, there's some bits you're missing out on. Namely, Jhuz can fly (that's how sits on the air).

I'm glad you liked the humor though, even if you didn't quite get what was going on. I must be doing something right if that carries across.

I can email you the older chapters if you want, though. You don't need to feel like you have to read them all or critique them, but it will help the rest of this makes sense, at least.

I thought I saw a blog post by Joe Abercrombie saying he was researching westerns for his next project; pretty excited about that.

I'm betting at some point in the novel Wax's decision to skim his weight non-stop will come back to bite him in the but. It might make him quicker, but it also means his muscles don't get a lot of exercise – including his heart. if he gets older that might mean his loses his strength quickly, and I foresee a scene where he loses his feruchemical bands and has to struggle moving around because he's not used to being normal-weighted.

There's a bit where he starts to recognize the ruined surroundings as his everyday home. I think it has a lot of potential, but you're not quite there. Make it more solid: have him think sadly "this is where I last talked to my friend – he's dead over there. This is where I played soccer (or whatever) – the field is forever ruined." I think it will have a much stronger impact if you provide concrete examples.

I really enjoyed the transition of albione from confidant warrior to awestruck/shy priest. My only complaint is it might have made sense to happen after the last chunk of action. You have him switch when he's done fighting, which is good, but I think he might have still been to distracted by the priests fighting the last dark elf before he realized where he was and who he was with.

I also like the story you have building with the rivalry between the militia and the priesthood, but looking back in the first chapter you should give some more concrete examples, showing rather than telling. Have a knight mutter about how he hopes some militia man gets an arrow in the assault, or show people bunch up in groups: they're avoiding contact with their rivals, to the overall detriment of their defence. It doesn't matter how you do it, but if I see people acting out their hate and rivalry, I'll realize it and believe it that much sooner.

Random notes:
 I think you should have Albione's thoughts at the beginning in italics, rather than quotes. Unless he's in the habit of thinking outloud, it just makes more sense for readers. When he makes an exclamation, obviously he'd say it out loud out of surprise or anger or fear.

Rook-Sha seems like a very different name from the rest of the ones you've used so far. Is she from a different area than Charom and Albione. Do priestesses just get special names? If you're just making the names up as you go you might want to check them over so they all seem cohesive.

Glad you enjoyed it!

The army does try to get a larger portion of *metsi, since they're so much better than a regular. Normally they make up about a fifth of the army, but their losses have made it somewhere between a third and a half (the regulars die easier). In this battle I put them on the right flank, that's why it fell faster than the herd.

In general, I hear a lot of you guys telling me to add a little more information for clarification, or to show the impact on Jhuz's character more deeply. I think that's really important; I have a lot of action and dialogue, but I tend to skimp both on setting and character's self-reflection. In the rewrite I'll have to toss it in, and from now on I think I'll try to include it in my writing – though I'll still be shy on setting because it helps me write faster.

Anyways, thanks for the advice. Akoebel, I hope you enjoy your vacation!

I'll agree with manny that adding the two characters, and then killing them off, is a little distracting. I think sometimes authors will toss in a new character and immediately kill him/her off, but it's almost always as way to lead into a fight or introduce a monster. Since you've already led us in to this battle with albione, I feel like it looses the impact. So it should go nobody POV dies-> main Pov picks up fight, not the other way around.

Charom also come's off as pompous and vain in the first few paragraphs, when he talks about how proud he is to have this position. If that's what his character is, cool. But his actions at the end of the chapter suggest otherwise, so you might want to reword it so he seems less full of himself.

I think you've done a pretty good job balancing exposition and plot/action. We're starting to learn a bit about your world but it isn't distracting.

That said, your magic bothers me. I think it's because you almost describe magic happening from an observer's perspective, and not from the perspective of your POV character. If you want to go for a mostly omniscient narrator, I guess that would work. But you don't seem to, so it's strange. The problem is, you have characters say words or make motions, and then the magic happens, but you don't describe how it feels to use the magic. Take albione's healing: he lays his hands on the guard, light flows, and healing happens. But that's not enough; there has to be some kind of sensation that accompanies the healing. It would be like if I kicked a wall, the wall broke, but my foot didn't feel a thing. I would expect him to feel like there's something flowing out of him into the guard, or maybe since his magic comes from a god, using it results in him temporarily feeling the overwhelming, alien touch of his god's  mind. Or something like that.

@akoebel: a decurion just commands 10 men, so he's the lowest ranking officer. My army doesn't quite conform to roman standards, it just borrows a lot of lingo. But i'll make sure to make that more apparent.

The reason rince killed the two animals was as a sort of revenge for them killing the fox; it wasn't meant to be cruel. But if that isn't coming across I'll have to lengthen the tension a little bit or something. Hm.

As for Rince's metsi: I wanted the fox to have a sort of 'trickster' power, but I didn't want it to be an illusion because I have other animals planned out for that. I'm not set on this one power yet – that is, I want to use it at some point, but it doesn't have to be for a fox – so let me know if someone comes up with a better idea for his metsi.

The javelin tactics is actually how rome started charges; they'd throw a volley of javelins, hopefully weakening the enemy lines, and then charge in before they had chance to recoup. Might have to show this happening in earlier battles.

And good advice on Jhuz's struggle at the end. I think  I'll show more of his thought process throughout the last few days. Thanks!

I've got another chapter in the works, looks like it will be done by monday