Timewaster's Guide Archive

Ok, that all makes sense. You should still probably mention the other gods sooner, if only very vaguely, just because they're so important to your story. Have a brother propogandize about how Valor is 'greatest among the gods,' or talk about the how the milita worship the false god Mirash, or something like that. I think it would add a depth to the conflict and make the introduction of other gods smoother.

I'm finally getting around to critiquing... sorry, most of my week's been devoted to this 24 bike race thing; haven't had much time to read. Anyways.

I'm glad that Albione is finally nearing the end of his naivete. I think he will (or should) always be principled and a bit of an idealist, which is good, but i don't think i would have liked too many more chapters of penance. You could probably use an action scene at some point, even if it's just training in the yard – perhaps with a brother who has been criticizing him lately. I also think you've done a good job slowly introducing what's wrong with the temple.

A few things have stuck out at me:

Why are all the priests "brother?" I mean, you can use any honorific you want, of course, but Brother makes me think of monk. Priests are fathers, usually. That said, I feel like most of the brothers roles are as monks, anyways, so maybe it's just wrong to call Albione a priest to begin with.

I also feel like there isn't a female presence in your temple. Is it segregated by sex, to avoid temptation and whatnot?  otherwise you should probably include some lady leads at some point.

Exactly how large is the temple? I've had trouble getting a sense of how much of the city is governed by it. Is it walled off, like an abbey? or is it mostly just a district of the city.

How do your gods function, exactly? Do they require faith for sustenance? Do they exist on a different metaphysical plane, or do they actually 'live' in your world. So far, the only god we see is Alazon, along with the night elf god. Is he the only human god? Since he's the god of Valor, as opposed to the god of, say, everything, I feel like there would be gods of other things. You should mention them, if so. Is the temple based in eleuria? Does the milita worship other deities? That would add an extra dynamic to the conflict. Is alazon concerned with the militia/temple conflict, or is that entirely a human thing?

You don't need to answer all of these right away, of course. I expect the last one to be a bit of a plot point. But some of those – especially the existence of other deities and the temple's opinion of them – probably should be addressed by now.

I don't see a problem with it, if you want to.

It will be strange to critique, I think, since it will lack most of the important parts we normally give feedback on, like character and prose. But it's worth a shot and I think we can all try to help you out.

But... but it's called The Elendel Daily. C'mon!!

Ooh, yeah, that's a facepalm.

Well it's free on Tor.com, now – check it out!

My favorite bit is the ad for allomancers. Feruchemists are available for hire only if you give them advance warning, of course.

I also liked the Octant – an eight-day week.

Ok, I get that. I have some issues myself with Jhuz's story arc, because he seems to self-pitying and unactive in the beginning. If Miki does something interesting in the next chapter or two it'll be fine, i'm sure. Maybe have him try to pull a prank on one of his sisters during the ceremony? It would add a personal dynamic to the scene.

As for the magic, I can see it being a problem if it's completely unpresent in the story, if only because it will give readers a false impression of what your story's about and the second novel will confuse them. The only writer i know who got away with that kind of setup was Martin, and that's only because he puts it in the very beginning and the very end of the story. If you can pull that off, congratulations. But I have to think it will be hard to do.

I don't think I really commented on the last chapter; everyone covered what I wanted to say. You have very smooth, flowing prose, which I enjoy. The only hiccups occur in your POV thoughts/reflections, which sometimes feel a little clumsy. They don't just flow quite as well as the rest of the writing. But really, its all enjoyable to read. the bit where she realized she enjoyed kissing him was well done.

Almost instantly I liked her character more than the boys. I'm not quite sure why, but if I had to guess I think it's because she's so much more capable than he is. Miki, though still enjoyable to read, wasn't in a position of power – the entire time he's forced to be at everyone else's beck and call. Even though Sancha is working under several people, you see that she's quite good at it – even if her tutors are strict – and she has strong drive and ambition. These all make her very likable. Miki, though, just seemed like a goofball chafing under his teachers because he's young and wants to go sailing. At two chapters, of course, it's bad to make these kind of judgements, but readers will too so you should make sure he's just as likeable as she is.

I also like the small bits of the world you've shown us, and I'd like to know more about it. It's clearly a secondary world fiction, but I have to ask if it has any magic. Right now it reads like a K.J. parker novel, not in voice but certainly in setting – that is, it doesn't have magic but societies might have evolved a little different than ours so there's still room to experiment in worldbuilding. That's perfectly fine, and I've always enjoyed Parker's novels. But if you DO have magic – and I'm only saying this because it's secondary world fiction – than we should have seen it by now. Even if it's a very small magic, you should let us know it's there through conversations or rumors or legends, so readers know what they're getting into.