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Messages - hubay

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Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: August 03, 2011, 11:47:22 PM »
@SirRobert
This works, but you should probably pm Silk just to make sure.

17
Ok, that all makes sense. You should still probably mention the other gods sooner, if only very vaguely, just because they're so important to your story. Have a brother propogandize about how Valor is 'greatest among the gods,' or talk about the how the milita worship the false god Mirash, or something like that. I think it would add a depth to the conflict and make the introduction of other gods smoother.

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Reading Excuses / Re: July 25 Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch14
« on: August 03, 2011, 12:47:32 AM »
Yeah, they're both just drugged.

Thanks for the feedback! I'll probably end up re-writing the contract so it makes a little more logical sense.

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I'm finally getting around to critiquing... sorry, most of my week's been devoted to this 24 bike race thing; haven't had much time to read. Anyways.

I'm glad that Albione is finally nearing the end of his naivete. I think he will (or should) always be principled and a bit of an idealist, which is good, but i don't think i would have liked too many more chapters of penance. You could probably use an action scene at some point, even if it's just training in the yard perhaps with a brother who has been criticizing him lately. I also think you've done a good job slowly introducing what's wrong with the temple.

A few things have stuck out at me:

Why are all the priests "brother?" I mean, you can use any honorific you want, of course, but Brother makes me think of monk. Priests are fathers, usually. That said, I feel like most of the brothers roles are as monks, anyways, so maybe it's just wrong to call Albione a priest to begin with.

I also feel like there isn't a female presence in your temple. Is it segregated by sex, to avoid temptation and whatnot?  otherwise you should probably include some lady leads at some point.

Exactly how large is the temple? I've had trouble getting a sense of how much of the city is governed by it. Is it walled off, like an abbey? or is it mostly just a district of the city.

How do your gods function, exactly? Do they require faith for sustenance? Do they exist on a different metaphysical plane, or do they actually 'live' in your world. So far, the only god we see is Alazon, along with the night elf god. Is he the only human god? Since he's the god of Valor, as opposed to the god of, say, everything, I feel like there would be gods of other things. You should mention them, if so. Is the temple based in eleuria? Does the milita worship other deities? That would add an extra dynamic to the conflict. Is alazon concerned with the militia/temple conflict, or is that entirely a human thing?

You don't need to answer all of these right away, of course. I expect the last one to be a bit of a plot point. But some of those especially the existence of other deities and the temple's opinion of them probably should be addressed by now.


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Reading Excuses / July 25 Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch14
« on: July 26, 2011, 07:17:36 AM »
I ended cutting the last half of this chapter, and completely failed to rewrite the next bit. bleh. I'm at an odd point here. Jhuz got knocked out at the end of the last chapter, and generally I'm not a fan of "character wakes up in an unfamliar place" as a plot device. I'm also on the fence on Hex as a character. He's an assassin, and he doesn't really interact with people much on account of invisibility. So he's a bit off and it shows in his dialogue, which I'm ok with. I'm just worried that in general, when people try to write offbeat characters it ends up sounding like poor humor or fanfiction or something, and I'd rather Hex came off as a little more cracked and unstable than quirky and silly. Let me know what you think.

Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch14 (L,V) 1500 words

Summary: Jhuz's position as Prefect seemed stable and the Legion is finally on the mend, but an intruder knocks him out in his tent.

CH14: We meet Hex, Jhuz's assassin captor and octopus-metsi Servant of the Eight.

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Reading Excuses / Re: Policy on Outlines?
« on: July 26, 2011, 07:06:30 AM »
I don't see a problem with it, if you want to.

It will be strange to critique, I think, since it will lack most of the important parts we normally give feedback on, like character and prose. But it's worth a shot and I think we can all try to help you out.

22
Reading Excuses / Re: 2011 Jul 18 - cjhuitt - Second Son Chapter 2
« on: July 25, 2011, 02:22:44 AM »
I think you could work a very quick explanation in, if you think it's necessary. You could mix it with her thoughts on using seduction as a tool.

Something like "It had taken her some time to get used to using her (sex/body/whatever) as a tool... blah blah something about her current thoughts. In this scenario, the man she was seducing wasn't even the true target she just needed to meet his family to learn more about his uncle. That didn't make her feel any more comfortable about the seduction."

Idk what her thoughts on seduction are, obviously, but that makes a quick transition where you see her emotional state and quickly get more information on her job. It will make it flow more smoothly.

23
Brandon Sanderson / Re: The Elendel Daily
« on: July 22, 2011, 08:41:50 AM »
Quote
But... but it's called The Elendel Daily. C'mon!!

Ooh, yeah, that's a facepalm.

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Brandon Sanderson / Re: The Elendel Daily
« on: July 22, 2011, 07:56:37 AM »
Ah, pity. I figured it was a weekly paper, for some reason. Probbably because I work at one, of course...And here's me hoping that elendel uses a hexadecimel number system.

I suppose the city or empire is divided into 8 sections or something?

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Brandon Sanderson / Re: The Elendel Daily
« on: July 22, 2011, 06:13:17 AM »
Well it's free on Tor.com, now check it out!

My favorite bit is the ad for allomancers. Feruchemists are available for hire only if you give them advance warning, of course.

I also liked the Octant an eight-day week.

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Reading Excuses / Re: July 11 Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch13
« on: July 20, 2011, 03:28:12 AM »
Good points, all around. I'll have to rework some parts of this scene based on what you've all told me.

@akoebel As for the act structure: I'm probably going to beef up act one, but part of the reason this seems so short is it's only one character of three. I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but after Jhuz's story is over there are two more characters with related stories; the reason I'm setting this up this way is because it allows me to focus better when I'm writing. But yes, Jhuz should really take charge sooner.

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Reading Excuses / Re: 2011 Jul 18 - cjhuitt - Second Son Chapter 2
« on: July 20, 2011, 03:21:58 AM »
Ok, I get that. I have some issues myself with Jhuz's story arc, because he seems to self-pitying and unactive in the beginning. If Miki does something interesting in the next chapter or two it'll be fine, i'm sure. Maybe have him try to pull a prank on one of his sisters during the ceremony? It would add a personal dynamic to the scene.

As for the magic, I can see it being a problem if it's completely unpresent in the story, if only because it will give readers a false impression of what your story's about and the second novel will confuse them. The only writer i know who got away with that kind of setup was Martin, and that's only because he puts it in the very beginning and the very end of the story. If you can pull that off, congratulations. But I have to think it will be hard to do.

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Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: July 19, 2011, 10:32:51 PM »
Email it to [email protected], with READING EXCUSES in the subject line so we know it's not spam. Then just attach your document, and put up a discussion on the forum so we can critique it. We'll try to get around to critiquing your story on the forum.

Did that answer your question?

-------

Also, I've got a chapter for next monday.

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Reading Excuses / Re: 2011 Jul 18 - cjhuitt - Second Son Chapter 2
« on: July 19, 2011, 10:28:50 PM »
I don't think I really commented on the last chapter; everyone covered what I wanted to say. You have very smooth, flowing prose, which I enjoy. The only hiccups occur in your POV thoughts/reflections, which sometimes feel a little clumsy. They don't just flow quite as well as the rest of the writing. But really, its all enjoyable to read. the bit where she realized she enjoyed kissing him was well done.

Almost instantly I liked her character more than the boys. I'm not quite sure why, but if I had to guess I think it's because she's so much more capable than he is. Miki, though still enjoyable to read, wasn't in a position of power the entire time he's forced to be at everyone else's beck and call. Even though Sancha is working under several people, you see that she's quite good at it even if her tutors are strict and she has strong drive and ambition. These all make her very likable. Miki, though, just seemed like a goofball chafing under his teachers because he's young and wants to go sailing. At two chapters, of course, it's bad to make these kind of judgements, but readers will too so you should make sure he's just as likeable as she is.

I also like the small bits of the world you've shown us, and I'd like to know more about it. It's clearly a secondary world fiction, but I have to ask if it has any magic. Right now it reads like a K.J. parker novel, not in voice but certainly in setting that is, it doesn't have magic but societies might have evolved a little different than ours so there's still room to experiment in worldbuilding. That's perfectly fine, and I've always enjoyed Parker's novels. But if you DO have magic and I'm only saying this because it's secondary world fiction than we should have seen it by now. Even if it's a very small magic, you should let us know it's there through conversations or rumors or legends, so readers know what they're getting into.

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Reading Excuses / Re: July 11 Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch13
« on: July 18, 2011, 05:12:35 AM »
Hm, some good points.

I did the thing with the chair because it seemed more dramatic, but I think you're right about it being ineffective.

Also, don't worry about focusing too much on the bad. As much as we all like to be told about our good work and have our ego's validated, the reason we should be in a writing group in the first place is to find and get rid of all the flaws in the book. So I don't mind at all.

Thanks for going that indepth, as well.

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