Timewaster's Guide Archive

Again, this chapter was quite good. I liked the fortresses in the mist and that it’s a separate world/realm/thing that contains everyone’s fortresses and is not just inside Jin’s head.  Jin stood up for himself a bit and he did something spectacular with his magic, even if it’s still unclear what exactly he did, and he didn’t fail this time.

To me this chapter does suffers similarly to chapter sixteen. One problem is internal coherence. After the nurse leaves in a huff neither Jin nor Talvin pay her any more heed. This is just like with Chalinae, out of sight out of mind. Another issue is that the behaviours of Jin, Talvin, and now the nurse don’t always make sense. At least they don’t to me.

My first impression of Jin here is that he speaks differently when talking to the nurse in the mist. He’s far more collected, assured and mature. Take “That’s a matter of some disagreement between us” for instance, and then he practically sneers at the nurse when he tells her who his father is. It’s almost like he’s a younger Talvin. This isn’t a bad thing, I liked that Jin showed some backbone and maturity since he’s supposed to be culturally mature and fearless for being a Calorite. But it is different from the last chapters and in terms of continuity that isn’t so good.

A small thing that occurred to me, I don’t recall seeing any signs that there is disagreement between Jin and his mother about him being male. Now she didn’t have much screen time so far and I could be remembering wrong, but you could show such a disagreement or some resentment in the mother earlier in the story so Jin’s remark has a basis. 

On the reaction of the nurse for Jin being a Calorite, I think it’s a bit extreme, especially given what we know about the Calorites and what you explain in the remainder of the chapter. This knowledge is quite limited right now. In the summary of the book I see that in the prologue a Calorite killed Traxis’s wife, but you never submitted a prologue to the group, so all I know is what the summary says.

Subsequently the word Calorite is never mentioned in Karemoth’s part, which is a good 30,000 words, and might be too long to remember the significance of the word. The submission format doesn’t really help either in remembering things that happened chapters and weeks ago.  In Jin’s part it’s mentioned once in chapter 12, when his mother makes his hair into a Calorite braid and again in 13 again with respect to his hair. It’s subtle, saying that no one wears their hair like a Calorite, but other than that evidently the Calorites are pariahs there’s nothing to say they’re dangerous or particularly feared in the present day.

Without the prologue these two mentions are too subtle for the reaction of the nurse. And the nurse’s reaction, if the Calorites really have fallen into stories, comes across as too extreme because of it. On the other hand, given the nurse’s reaction, if the Calorites are so feared and loathed as the nurse suggests why would Jin (be allowed to) wear his hair like one? Even if only a handful of people believe in Calorites it puts too much attention on the boy – that’s the last thing Talvin would want, given Jin’s magic.

Which brings me to Talvin. Before the nurse came he was in a rage, ready to practically kill Jin. Mere moments afterward, his behaviour is turned around 180 degrees. It’s not just because he’s proud that Jin managed to do something, because Talvin was already acting nice the moment the nurse left them. It’s like Talvin’s mood is on a yoyo, up and down, up and down. You say there is a reason his behaviour is inconsistent, but by this point a reader is likely to have put the book down and so will never know. You don’t have to spill the beans on everything, but if you make it clear to the reader there is an in-story reason Talvin’s behaviour is odd that will create a mystery rather than an authorial error.

Finally, Talvin is proud of Jin at the end of the chapter. Why exactly? To Talvin’s perspective Jin made bigger arcs and made a purple light flare. True, this is more than he has done up to this point, but it’s purely a visual effect. Talvin can’t manipulate the Shroud and thus has no idea whether Jin did anything to it or not, not without people like Zarfar singing next to it – unless Talvin can sense or manipulate the Shroud. Now what would that make him?

This chapter is very fast paced, even more so than the last. In previous chapters you put in a lot more background information that, while interesting, does take the pace of the piece down. This one is very immediate with some very brutal aspects. I again liked the Sin excerpt, short and to the point, and more in line with the excerpt in chapter thirteen.

Most of the chapter worked very well for me. The society is very ruthless and cutthroat, not just for the male slaves but the women who vie for power. Once you’re in the gaol all bets are off. In that context what happened with Chalinae worked very well, from her tirades to her rape, which you never actually specified, but what else can it be?

One of the things that didn’t work as well for me is the matter of what Jin knows and doesn’t seem to know fluctuates a lot. He quickly realizes that the holes can, and probably are, used for spying and that they put Chalinae in there with him so she can incriminate herself. But then when Chalinae screams he had no idea what they’re doing to her – maybe a normal ten year old wouldn’t know, but Jin is supposed to be so smart and given society as a whole shouldn’t he know?

Despite what happens to Chalinae, and right now no one actually says she’s being raped, but the signs are very clear, it doesn’t have much of an effect on Jin, and through Jin it doesn’t have much of an effect on the reader. Having him see what’s happening, or at least the start of it, or if his mother’s words about her bleeding make him realize what’s happened and we can see and feel his horror, that makes for a more powerful chapter. As it is he struggles a bit for her and then seems to put her out of his mind the moment he sees his parents. True his parents are formidable and he might be too scared to speak up, but at least his thoughts would go to Chalinae more than they are now. She is the girl for whom he went to all this trouble after all.

Compared to Chalinae Jin does seem to get off easy, also taking into account the threats at the end of the previous chapter. I get that his parents want him alive, even if only for his magic, but to the people making the decisions he’s just a kid. From what we’ve seen so far, again with the threats of the last chapter, I didn’t think his parents had that much influence. After the build up and the gaol the ending of the chapter is a little lacklustre as a result.

On the whole this was one of the most, if not the most, enjoyable chapters so far.

Great Sin excerpt, especially that last sentence. The moment I might start to think Sin is a victim of some kind you show that he thinks in twisted ways and so deserves whatever it is that’s happened to him. Goo d stuff.

Unfortunately the rest of the chapter didn’t have the same impact. I’ll even go as far as to say that I don’t really seem the point to it.

Continuing on from the last chapter Jin keeps thinking about his plan and reveals more of it to the voice. Aside from the fact that it’s a horrible plan that’s going to fail spectacularly and that the voice seems to encourage him rather than try to talk him out of it, I feel like I’ve already heard enough about the planning last chapter. I’d rather see him try it than read more about him thinking and planning about going. The plan itself, while bad, is pretty well thought out for an (average) ten year old. Jin isn’t average, so the plan is even less impressive to read about.

The other major part of the chapter is the investigation of the hole. For something that negates magic and goes against all their beliefs, e.g.  that the Shroud is everywhere, neither Zarfar nor Talvin really seem that bothered about it. If it was that important wouldn’t someone have called for a different scribe when Jin started to mess around?

This chapter was shorter than most of the others, but it still felt too long considering the Jin-Voice scenes don’t add much to the story – Jin still has to execute his plan, so what they talked about we’ll read about twice. And the scenes about the hole don’t go anywhere.

Introducing Listeria  earlier than the second act is a good thing. In general it’s usually not a good idea to introduce viewpoint characters (I’m assuming here that not only is Listeria a POV character, she’s also important, e.g. this isn’t the only chapter with her viewpoint) in later acts of the book.

You do a great job of cutting back on the word ‘had’, four instances compared to 42 the last chapter. It makes the story flow a lot better. Unfortunately I did notice a new word of the day here, the word being ‘those’. You’ve got those women, those puppets, those rumours, those countries, those voices, those three. I kept thinking, what women? Which countries? It feels like you want to flesh out the world without actually fleshing it out. I have no idea what ‘those’ actually refer to. It might look mysterious, but it feels annoying.

What you said in your submission, that you mainly wrote this chapter to flesh out the world, made me very alert for the start of an info-dump, and it happens pretty quick. LTU already pointed out the moment in the conversation.  After that it’s info dump disguised as a conversation, to a greater or lesser degree until the scene break. Since you’ve already seen this I won’t belabour the point.

The best part  for me comes after the scene break, a conversation between two interesting characters, rather than an exposition masquerading as one. Very good, I enjoyed it a lot.

One more small thing, your chapter heading says chapter four, instead of chapter five.

Your writing is definitely improving. This is the best chapter yet I think, maybe part of that is because for the first time one of your characters gets a second chapter. The flow is better and you cut down on the use of ‘had’ considerably since the last chapter. There are still cases where you can do without it, but it’s not much of an issue.
 
Ciera feels better as a character in this one too, more than she did in her first chapter. Her thoughts, mostly prefaced with ‘one day’, at first read felt a bit too direct, but they do fit with what a terminally shy person would think – she wants to do something, but is too afraid to, so she in turn thinks it more intensely.

I’m a little surprised Ciera took so long to realize Omnk was talking to her. I knew at once the disembodied voice belonged to Omnk, and I’ve only known the two of them for a chapter. Ciera should be a lot more familiar with him. I’m also a little surprised she didn’t scare more before she realized the voice was Omnk. A stranger with her in an enclosed room, the Ciera we saw last chapter would’ve freaked out I think.

That brings us to what I liked least in this chapter, namely the last part, when Omnk goes into too long a monologue to explain he took over a foggy wisp freed from the book . It doesn’t really explain anything and he goes on about it too long. From the text I’m not getting that he’s lying, as you intent, but rather that he loves the sound of his own voice too much.

For starters, this chapter may just be the best one so far. It reads a lot better and nothing really glares at me. The swamp must be radioactive or something to create an old man with three mouths. There is no explanation for it in the magic system so far. I didn’t have as much problem with Sedgewick as LTU did, but he does fit the cliché crazy old man a little too perfectly.

I have to wonder though why he calls himself a barbarian when he so obviously isn’t. It could be a cover story to keep people away from him, but who would go to a swamp like that willingly anyway?

I am getting pretty annoyed though with all the characters Vara meets asking her about Dig’s history. The lizard did this all the previous chapters and now Sedgewick does the same. Whatever they want from her I’m sure can be explained without a history lesson. And especially without this insistent prompting about history from a girl who lives in a tree, I presume her whole life – and everyone knows she lived in a tree, meaning she’s had no schooling, so why keep asking? It makes the other characters reek of self-importance while at the same time putting Vara down. Pardon my language, but why is she taking this sanctimonious bullshit?

Like Akoebel and LTU have already mentioned, the pacing of the chapter is too slow, especially in the beginning. It gets better when Sirat’s on the move, trying to do some good – he actually seems to care at that point.

But at the start you still have Sirat in hiding and he’s not doing anything interesting for the first couple of pages. The fact that he doesn’t seem to care much what happens, to any and all sides, makes him feel detached from the action going on around him. He could die, but if he does it doesn’t matter to him. If it doesn’t matter to Sirat why should it matter to the reader?

Another issue with the slow pace is the passive voice: “had been”, “had to guess”, ”should be”, “had lasted”, even more “had been”, “had seen” . You can scratch a lot of ‘had’ without losing anything significant while gaining a sense of immediacy.

You also use a lot of tell, especially in the first part where Sirat is hiding. You tell us he heals fast, after the pain in his arm suddenly disappears. I’d rather see more of his healing than be told about how bruises fade, etc.  You then tell us he’s a foundling and that’s why he’s inclined to help children. Even later you tell us he’s impossibly strong, moments before he does something with that strength.  All of this is tell, not show.

The impression I got from the screaming woman, which Sirat could hear over the sounds of the siege and the walls of his shelter, made me think she was right outside. Though he might not have been able to move fast the fact that she’s minutes away makes it really unlikely he could’ve heard her.

I’m not really sure what Sirat thinks he’s going to do by pushing the debris away from the top. The whole setup seems unlikely. Up to this point Sirat has shown no feats of super strength, either to us, or to himself, so he shouldn’t have any reason to think he can push the block away.  To me it doesn’t seem likely he should even try. Get the kid out perhaps, even though that’ll saddle him with a child, but not do something convoluted to save the mother.

Up on the roof I’m having real problems envisioning the scene with the block, how it’s positioned, angled, etc. The way I’m envisioning the block in order to accommodate it being near a chimney, crush the roof and block the entrance, means the block is quite tall and angled perhaps 80 degrees or so with respect to the ground – otherwise the entrance of the house wouldn’t be blocked.

Now, the position of the chimney and the block. Either the chimney is at a side, so Sirat can push the block sideways, or it’s in front of the block so he has to push it back. Since the block falls back to Sirat this has to be the option. So Sirat has to tip it over, first back to ninety degrees so it stand straight and then past that point to have it fall away from the house. He’d need a lot of force to manage that.

Or am I reading the situation wrong? In either case, the scene might do with some clarifying edits.

Also, Sirat’s conclusion that because the house has a chimney means the owner is wealthy is one thing, but the house doesn’t have to be hers, she doesn’t have to have any money left even if it is. He sounds pretty naive thinking he’s going to get paid for this.

Sirat is not his real name, he took his name when he was eight. Maybe it’s just me, but for an eight year old to know enough about weapons and assassins to see significance in the weapon is a little odd to me. Maybe it makes perfect sense in your setting for children of his age to know, but not at this junction.

Sirat also seems to grow younger as the chapter progresses. At first his dispassionate demeanour makes me think he’s a man who’s seen too much. Then in the middle of the chapter he acts like he’s an adolescent, while at the end when he’s being chased and called boy I’m thinking early teens. Very confusing.

To answer your question, I think it would help if you made him less apathetic. When he’s chased I’m rooting for him to escape. At this point I do care what happens, but it’s only at the end of the chapter. So I wonder at how effective “I just want to left alone” is going to be, because the end result is still that he isn’t doing anything other than hide for the first couple of pages.