Timewaster's Guide Archive

It’s been a while since I last submitted something. I had a lot of good critiques on the previous draft of this story (The Citadel of Thorns), which made me realize the story just wasn’t working for me anymore. I’ve rewritten most of it, though some key points remain the same. I think the story works a lot better now, but we’ll see.

First line and first paragraph aren't bad, but they don't really hook me in either. Saying that 'it started' is too vague to grab my interest and the following lines introducing the character aren't spectacular either. You're telling us a lot about Tommy, but I'd much rather see that he's obsessed with books than be told about it.

"So that's it, pretty much my whole existence in a few paragraphs" and a boring existence at that, which makes the first few paragraphs boring too. That's not what you want in a first chapter, exposition about his early life, if you have to give it, should come later. 
Right now the story needs a hook, be it action or something else, but it has to be interesting. The fact that when his father gave him his first book is also the last time anyone ever saw his father is an interesting thing, instead of portraying the rest of Tommy's life I'd focus more on this, right when you first mention "Run, Jump, Ride".

The small excerpt of the book Tommy's reading hooked me more than Tommy's storyline, at this point the story from the perspective of the huntsman and his wolves is better than that of the fourteen year old bookworm. We're three pages in and we know almost all there is to know about Tommy except why we should care. Yes, he lost his father, but that's barely a footnote, even to Tommy. Now I will say that though I've been reading first-person stories more than I used to I still like third person better, when I read first person I need to get to like the main perspective soon or I'm likely to put the book down. So maybe it's just me, but to me at this point Tommy is just not that sympathetic a character to read about.

On the fourth page the story changes when Tommy is sucked into the book, however this doesn’t immediately help make things better. Tommy’s life up to this point is very mundane, a normal house, normal school, normal everything. There isn’t a hint of magic and then suddenly he gets drawn into a book for no apparent reason. I wasn’t expecting magic and there is no lead in to tell the reader that it’s possible. Now we’re entering into the territory of the Earthling falling into a fantasy world trope, which isn’t a trope I like and have rarely seen executed well.

I hope you’ll prove me wrong.

Something that struck me about Tommy, in the form of Tamaska, is that he’s surprised by what he sees around him, but apparently not by the body he’s wearing. Instead of a fourteen year old boy he’s now a huntsman, he has a bow in his hands and an arrow notched, so he should see that his hands and arms are different now, more muscular or wiry or tanned, so are his clothes and everything else, but Tommy doesn’t notice these changes which I think is odd.
When Tommy thinks “hadn’t this guy ever heard of a washing machine” I really doubt Tommy’s intelligence and how much he’s actually read. He’s in the world portrayed in the book, Reule is a hunter who hunts together with wolves. There aren’t washing machines in this setting of warriors and battles!

Tamaska does have similarities to Thomas, but it made me pause before I remembered Tommy’s name is actually Thomas. Now I’m getting the picture that Tommy didn’t take over someone’s role in the book but was added as an extra, just the way he is. Even in furs he shouldn’t have the body of a hunter – he should stick out like a sore thumb. He notes that Reule is very dirty, but if he truly fits in with the book-world so is he, so when he sees his hands holding the bow he should also see filth. There’s a suspension of disbelief going on between Tommy and Reule that doesn’t feel natural. The way he looks, the way he can’t hunt, the way he threw up when Reule gutted the deer...but Reule doesn’t say a thing even though Tommy is the last person who should be hunting.

Back in the village Tamaska has a history in that world all of a sudden, including a wife. And though he knows something is off and that ‘Tamaska’ isn’t behaving as he should Reule covers for him. During the walk Reule also said nothing. I have the feeling he should have, when the role of ‘Tamaska the hunter’ is suddenly taken over by Tommy the bookworm, who is totally incapable of doing anything to save his life, there should be more of a reaction.

What I did like was Tommy’s reaction to the people in the book – this is showing me he despises being filthy rather than you telling me stuff, like at the start of the story. Especially the end with his wife was very well done, though Reule’s wink felt off – this is because I’m expecting him to worry about his friend’s odd behaviour rather than make light of it.

Finally Albione is starting to see some of the idiocy of his doctrine. The priests’ view of valour and courage is still hard for me to swallow, even after your explanation in the comments of chapter four, someone who’s not of the faith, not a priest of , is always a coward. The priesthood actively looks down on other people and especially other organisations following different gods/ideals. How is it possible the rest of the city doesn’t feel slighted if that’s how they are thought of? The priests certainly don’t make a secret of their contempt. How can anyone adhere to a priesthood that despises everyone else of the populace?

In the comments above you mention more of the pantheon, I’d like to see more mention of that in the story. It seems like their existence is a key point in the plot and it also explains much of the enmity between the temple and the militia, God of Valour versus the God of Order. Albione’s order has a large temple, largest of the city. How are the other temples in the city or are there even other temples – the story so far didn’t give me the impression there are other worships sanctioned in the city.

Aside from addressing Albione’s doubts and showing examples of what he thinks is wrong with his order  this chapter feels like a transition chapter again. For the most part I don’t have much to say other than I hope Albione is close to reaching a resolution and stop being so damn passive. After his first and rather futile ‘warning’ to the temple complex during the attack he’s spent most of his time reacting to what others want him to do, rather than take his own actions. There have been cryptic hints about Albione’s importance to the temple but I’ve seen nothing in Albione that warrants such notions.

I don’t know if publishing houses hate prologues and if the story needs a prologue than it should be there, but it seems to me (insert assumption) you’re info-dumping in the prologue to get across the setting information about the pantheon. You can make subtler mentions of different religions, for instance when Albione rushes to the temple complex you can have him run, and take note of, a temple to the god of order and have him think on the militia man he saved, a follower of that god.

We’re not getting much in terms of new things in this chapter, but after the last Darkclaw chapter it’s refreshing to get back to the cats. Nayasar wears her emotions openly and that really helps to connect to her character. I liked seeing more of Felivas’s feelings shine through – their courtships seems feral and catlike, so that works really well for me.

On the other hand I’m also reminded constantly that these two are the Grand Admiral and an Admiral. Sure this chapter is meant to be light-hearted, once they leave her room they’re just crazy kids in love, and while I liked it I really want to see them in a different context. I keep failing to see the officer aspects of their characters. I really want to see them doing their jobs, interacting with other soldiers, to counterpoint their professional lives with their private lives.

Something different, these are cat or catlike characters, with senses different than human. So far you’re sticking with sight. It might be nice to also include some other senses, such as smell, into what the characters notice about their surroundings and each other.

I really liked the start of the first chapter, starting with the mystery of what Darkclaw is while he’s lying in wait in stasis, ready to pounce. When I read the name Troodon you really caught my attention, or rather my old interest in dinosaurs (nice touch with the vestigial claw). So I’m guessing Darkclaw is some kind of evolved form of dinosaur, changed by the High Lord…which means the planet they are on is Earth? Whatever the case it raises a lot of questions and I like that.

I did have to get used to the name Darkclaw and after a while reading Darkclaw and the High Lord did get a bit annoying. Writing wise I’d also include some more paragraph breaks, because there was one paragraph that was a whole page long which made my eyes glaze over.
 
When we get to chapter two I do like some of the banter between Nayasar and Felivas; even though they’re of such high ranks they can still act like friends. Like with Darkclaw’s name I didn’t immediately like Felivas’s name because his name reads too much like the species name Felinaris. I did get used to it though.

Continuing, I didn’t feel like Nayasar acted like a Grand Admiral should. The fact that she says she has no political understanding also baffles me; such a thing is fine if she’s a ship captain, a rank she could grow into without playing the political game, but beyond that, to be an admiral and thus in control of multiple ships, multiple officers who vie for her position, she’d need to know how to manoeuvre through the political landscape. And she’s not even an admiral, she’s the grand admiral, put there because she’s the daughter of the king. The way she acts makes me really doubt she’s admiral material, which makes me doubt the validity of her character and why she’s still in that position – the Grand Admiral is supposed to defend their realm, it’s not a position you put a wayward daughter to keep her out of trouble.

Now, I’m looking at this as if it were a human military and maybe theirs is different, but I haven’t seen the military at work so I can’t make the assumption that this is normal for the high ranks of their society. I’m sorry to say that to me Grand Admiral Nayasar falls flat. I also don’t see an admiral in Felivas – he’s more like the attendant of the princess than a military officer.

Though you do address Nayasar’s political ineptitude by having Felivas say that military leadership is different than political leadership, I don’t really agree with that statement. She can get a long way if she’s a good tactician (we’ve seen no evidence of this so far) but she still has to deal with people. Her inability to put herself in her father’s shoes doesn’t bode well for her skills. And if she’s the princess she should have had schooling in politics.

When she meets the king he says something that made me stop and re-read the section. He says “your plan sounds well thought out”. No, it doesn’t. She never told him about her plan, or did you means she told him all about her plan when she says:

“All I need is your permission to put a plan into action,” Nayasar explained. “If there are any details you need to know, ask. I have planned for every eventuality, and none of these operations would put anyone at risk aside from the teams sent to carry them out.”

I did not interpret ‘explained’ in the way that she explains her whole plan and that we just don’t get to read it. The way I see it she hasn’t told him anything. But even if he did she basically wants to go in and kill their enemies, damned be the consequences. She couldn’t have a thought out plan if the King has to inform her of several problems she evidently missed, so he shouldn’t say that she does.

A smaller thing that stood out to me is the sentence part “was still not understanding”. It just reads wrong to me. Something like “he still didn’t understand” is better.

Like Hubay I don’t have much to add to what cjhuitt already said, which captures my points perfectly.

Some small points I do want to address. Justicars. Albione’s fear of them doesn’t resonate with me. We’ve heard nothing of these Justicars before this chapter, so when Albione reaches his conclusion the masked man in the temple must be a Justicar – and that he’s therefore in trouble – it comes completely out of nowhere. You might want to hint about the Justicars before this chapter. What were they doing when the night elves invaded for instance.

This also leads me to Ferris’s letter. For one I don’t follow the conclusion that hooded man = Justicar. So, why would Ferris, who is not part of the temples and would or should not at once associate hoods with Justicars, start his letter assuaging Albione’s fears of Justicars? It seems prophetic now, but if Albione hadn’t reached his (farfetched?) conclusion the start of the letter would just sound silly – that doesn’t seem like Ferris to me.

And a final point. Everyone in the temple refers to how special and important Albione is behind his back, while pretty much either ignoring or denigrating him to his face. The high priestess is the only one who is actually supportive. I’ve seen him do nothing that makes me think that he’s actually all that special – part is because I haven’t seen his peers, the people against whom his importance is measured and judged. Another consideration is that the protagonist being secretly important and his betters actually want to prepare him for some monumental task down the line is pretty much a cliché and that’s sort of what Albione feels like to me. 

I have to agree with pretty much everything everyone has already said. I liked the chapter overall, but there are a couple of things that didn’t work so well for me.

I don’t think the conversation at the start of the first chapter about the militia is enough to fully ground the thoughts of treason. We get that there is tension, but we don’t get why there is tension.

What I’ve seen so far makes me think that keeping their distance from other forces isn’t that odd for a military organisation; in fact the militia may very have doubts about the knights. I also don’t see any reason why everyone sees Ferris as a villain; they may not like him, they may despise him on general principle, they may want him to be a traitor so they can hang him because he rode over their puppies, but since he’s still in command he can’t be a true villain otherwise he wouldn’t be in command at all. There also aren’t enough grounds here in what we’ve seen of the militia to justify the distrust and hate towards them.

As an aside the meaning of a militia nowadays is of a military force of citizens, not trained soldiers, though in the past it was also used for trained forces. Is the reason that they may not be that good in the defence of the city because they aren’t professional soldiers, or are they trained soldiers?

The confrontation between Ferris and Rook-Sha didn’t work for me for a couple of reasons. We’ve seen no reason for the ‘hatred emanating from these two rivals’. And why are they rivals? He’s a soldier, she’s a priestess. The hate between them could be Albione misreading things, and I hope he is, because this sort of disharmony between superiors works all the way down to the lowest trooper/acolyte which really disrupts all efforts in defending the city together. And I’ve seen no reason why it’s there in the first place! It’s one thing during times of peace, but they are besieged. I’m finding the characters very petty.

Charom’s and Albione’s conversation I liked on the level of sibling rivalry and ribbing, but there is a deeper thing that puzzles me. Albione is a warrior priest, he’s up on the walls defending the city, but apparently the knights look down on the priests, praying priests and warrior priests alike. So we’ve got knights looking down on priests and the both of them looking down on the militia. Disharmony, again. This is a breeding ground for hatred and conflict, I’m surprised the city is even still there for the Night Elves to attack.

At the end we get the conversation between Albione and Ferris. From this conversation alone I must say I like Ferris the best of all. Despite all the hostility he goes to find the man who saved his son in law. From what I’ve seen of the other characters, were the roles reversed, I don’t think they’d do the same, which makes me sympathize more with Ferris than any other character. Again I’m baffled why everyone hates him.

"Healing always tired the recipient, but continued healing also exhausted the one ministering it."

I think what Akoebel was saying concerning the magic system is exactly that – the magic user gets tired from continued use. That’s a very common drawback of a magic system and when you get right down to it not a very exciting one story wise.

I’m with LTU on the ‘action, action, action’ advice, it means that something should happen, be it violence or something else completely. The reader needs  to get attached to the book, through a character or situation, and you can’t do that if nothing happens.

I also got the feeling of Warhammer when I read this chapter, more than I thought of D&D or Warcraft. The name Night Elves made me think Warcraft, their actions made me think Warhammer. And nothing screamed Warhammer so much as Albione, who I also pictured as a Sigmarite warrior priest with a really big warhammer. Now maybe that’s because I’ve been getting back into Warhammer recently, both with the miniatures and the novels, but since LTU also felt that way it’s not just me.

This isn’t naturally a bad thing, the Warhammer setting and its vibe is a good one, and if that’s what you’re going for, you are achieving it, but I do miss the thing that differentiates your setting from other dark fantasy settings. Beating on the comparison further, so far I’m seeing an order of Sigmarites, specifically warrior priests as LTU mentioned, and Dark Elves fighting on city walls. A name change would definitely help, since what I’m getting from the description doesn’t sound like elves at all. But the name “night elves” sticks stronger than the description, so after a few times I’m slowly seeing them more as traditional dark elves than what they actually are.

I’m also a bit weary when I read they wield scimitars. Drizz’t wields scimitars…dark skinned elves with scimitars, you really don’t want that association.

Aside from  these issues I found the rest of the chapter well written. You don't bore with infodumps and things are happening that show us Albione's character. The prose can be sharpened here and there, but whose doesn’t? Now there are things that make me frown, but most has already been mentioned.

What I did find jarring is that Albione had to notify runners to warn the temple. Fireballs are spewing into the air, night elf screams sound outside the walls and on the walls, people are fighting and dying on the walls, and there is no one who sees this happening? The runners, who I assume take messages back and forth from the walls to other strategic locations, are nowhere near the walls so they can see things are going to hell? And really, runners? Worst case scenario by the time a runner reaches his target locations the night elves are just a step behind him. It’s such an inefficient system while something like light signals and sounds from horns travel either by the speed of light or the speed of sound.

It gives me the feeling the only reason it’s there is that you as the writer need a reason for Albione to go from the walls to the temple, nothing more.