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Messages - Asmodemon

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136
This was a really long chapter. It might be better to split it in two, or try and cut things a bit – in fact, doing both might be a good idea. I’ll say up front that I liked the second half better than the first half, but on the whole it was good. Things are moving again, Jin is growing as a character, one of the problematic factions (Hesk) in the world are on the move, it's great to see movement of the plot.

That said...

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Forging is explained

If I’m not mistaken the only times Forging is mentioned is back in Jin’Cathul chapter 1. We know Jin can do some ‘magic’, but it’s easy to forget that it’s called Forging. In fact, I had forgotten. It’s such a minor part of the story that before we see the Hesk using it here it’s not really clear why it’s important. 

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and the reason why I spend so much time on the children growing up.  Oh yeah, and there’s ninjas

I’m with Lethalfalcon on this one; I too don’t see how this chapter explains spending so much time in the children’s childhoods. Now, maybe you rewrote those chapters extensively since I read them, in which case this point might be a bit moot, but the Hesk are only mentioned in one Anaiah chapter, Forging only in Jin’s first, and the rest is just fighting and thinking about fighting. We don’t need the other chapters for that.

For the chapter itself I’m going to give the advice to start cutting (I know you don’t like to hear it, but there it is) or at least change the distribution of what happens.

You spend a lot of time working up to Jin’s first gladiator fight, but the fight itself is over almost before it happens. Jin’s first attack (Jin, the amateur, who has never won a fight EVER) takes down Teruss (a coward, but one of muscle, armour, weapons, a bit of soldiering experience, and a lot of gladiator experience). Jin shouldn’t have been able to get so close so easily.

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In the back of his mind, Jalean's final words came out.  Focus on your heart.

Good advice that unlocks Jin’s power. Only Jalean never said that to him. Her final words, per chapter 7, are:

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“I want you to remember, and think hard about, just how much I hate you, and I can't wait to skin you alive.”  Jalean laughed and punched Jin in the stomach.  He doubled over.  “I can't say it was fun.  But I did enjoy hurting you.”

The second part is better. With Teruss’ memories I can believe Jin has become a better fighter and knows how to use weapons. Again there’s a lot of introspection here, but given that the landscape of his mind has just changed it’s understandable. There often seems to be a reason why you have a lot of introspection, but that doesn’t take away the fact that Jin’s chapters in particular are slow because he thinks too much.

What I liked less is the other voice in his head. It feels too much like a plot device to explain Forging to Jin and to the reader. Maybe the voice will become more important later, maybe it’s even the voice of god, but right now you’ve got it doing two things: tell Jin to run and tell Jin how to Forge. For the first you’ve also got Teruss and for the second it would make Jin a stronger character if, over the last few chapters and the fight with Teruss in particular, he learned how to harness (at least in a rudimentary fashion) Forging himself.

The last conversation between Burm and Jin could use some fleshing out. I followed who was speaking relatively well, since Burm’s grammar is atrocious and Jin’s isn’t, but I’d like to have a better feel for the surroundings. The Hesk were so intrusive I found the way Burm and Jin got away a little easy.

137
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Before I begin, I should mention I don't hate the female-centric society - I just haven't figured out WHY it's so female-centric.

I thought this was, in part, because of how a witch (Chalot) took down the god of the world.

I also don’t hate your female-centric world, it’s a nice change of pace. However I do think your women are too cruel. It doesn’t feel like they’ve been in charge long and that’s why they continually try to break men to assert their dominance. It makes them seem more insecure than in power, which is something the men (few as they might be) who aren’t cowed, could exploit.

On to the chapter. There were some grammar and spelling things, but aside from that it was pretty good. It’s a bit long for what happens, with a lot of introspection from Jin, but I didn’t mind it much since Jin finally started to realize he might not be so weak.

Aside from Jin Jalean was also a pretty important character this chapter. She has some good points and bad points to her here. 

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“The losses go to you then,” Jalean spat back.  “I'll make sure to inform your mother of her very sudden drop in wealth.  Follow me, I've get a waiver.”

Jalean is a cruel and calculating woman. The fact she spat here is a clear sign that things are slipping through her fingers. I found this to be a good way to lead into the revelation of what Jalean is to Jin.

But there are also some problems. Because you’ve given us her perspective we, the reader, know she loves him. However, through how she acts towards him this in no way can be clear to Jin (and since he hates her it obviously isn’t). So when she says:
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Please let him be smart enough to figure it out,” she pleaded. “I'm really not sure I could have been any clearer.”

I'm really not sure how she could have been any more confusing. Jin would have to be a genius to understand what she is really trying to say – if it’s some last advice on how to win I don’t see it. She’s excessively cruel to him (like all women seem to be) and aside from a few kindnesses that’s all she really is. She should understand that people don’t listen well to people they hate and she’s done everything she could to make him hate her.

It’s the whole cruelty thing; it’s too excessive to really work for me or the characters.

I did like the ending where she finally seems to want to make amends, so the arrival of the Hesk is all the more poignant. It’s a strong ending for the chapter.

138
On the whole I thought this was a pretty good chapter. I like how Anaiah found a goal for herself and is actively trying to pursue it – no matter the opposition. The dialogue between her and Caramoth was very amusing.

That said, and you knew it was coming, I do have some issues.

The first is the (perceived) time difference between this chapter and Anaiah 5. In that chapter she had gone to market with Caramoth, not long after she lost her toy. The impression I got was that she was very young still, maybe around ten years old.

In this chapter she’s suddenly fourteen. It took a bit to reconcile those two states. Something as simple as mentioning a date at the start of the chapter or seperating the story into clear parts to differentiate between time jumps would help a lot.

Also, the impression I got from Caramoth in Anaiah 5 was that the war was very pressing, but it’s now years later and he’s still working on the armaments? It makes me wonder if the enemy  - whom we haven’t seen yet – is taking a nap.

The secondproblem is the same problem with Anaiah that you had in the previous ‘Anaiah 6’ you submitted (and which would now be something like Anaiah 9 or 10, I think). Anaiah seems impossibly strong. She’s fighting many warriors from the warrior caste, each of them a member for at least a year and all of them at least 16 years of age. Yet she beats them all effortlessly, one after the other. She’s only ‘beaten’ when Hilva and company attack her in a group and that only for a few moments before she breaks them anyway.

It seems too easy; she might be strong, she might even be gifted, but that can’t be enough to face a crowd of experienced fighters. And if they aren’t experienced, why are the Ziphoa still alive as a tribe?

The third problem I have is with the revolt that takes place. I’m not entirely clear on what’s happening. Just how many warriors were in on it and what were the ones who weren’t were in on it doing? I don’t believe everyone will have turned away from Sallu, despite being Anaiah’s mother.

But aside from these issues I liked the chapter. I’ll try to get to Jin’s chapters this week as well.

139
It's been a while since the last chapter. The third chapter really needed to be rewritten, but with writing a short story and overtime at work I didn't have the time or the energy until this weekend.

I'm happier with it than the previous version, but I'll let you guys be the judge.

140
Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: April 17, 2010, 11:03:05 PM »
I've been doing a lot of overtime at work lately, which has left me rather drained, but I think I've got something for monday.

141
Reading Excuses / Re: March 22 - Asmodemon - Mouse Trap
« on: March 28, 2010, 10:08:06 PM »
Great points guys, you’re absolutely right, as usual.

When I started with the idea of this story it was supposed to be more Mouse-centric, but somewhere along the line the focus shifted more to the marines. I realize now that I’ve made Mouse more wishy-washy than he was originally supposed to be – which was more of a nasty and somewhat delusional piece of work. He’s still delusional, but not so much nasty.

I think I’m going to change things to bring back that original thought and maybe bring a bit more horror into it, which it was also supposed to have. Man, I really lost sight of what I wanted ;)

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The first thing that got to me was the very beginning. It just wasn't very gripping.

The first sign that I lost sight of what it was Mouse was trying to accomplish, his sections don’t work and take away the suspense of what the marines are doing. I’ve been considering changes that make things more pressing for Mouse and also make the title of the story work again.

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Also, how are these people moving so fast and are so strong if they've been living in a super low-g environment.

That’s what the Ringer project was all about. What Ryos said hit the mark; the scientists were really good at what they did.

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How deep his loyalty to the Sitter goes, how possessive he is of the station, his delusion about his mother. It's all there, but it's not strong enough to really make us care deeply about him.

All those things I’ve seemed to have down played, which was a mistake because all those points are what make Mouse tick.

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Why four years?

Because of the nature of both the conflict happening between the Alliance and the Union and the make-up of the space ring. There are two ways into the station. One is to go through station 10, which is in Confederate hands and they didn’t want any company men to go through. The other station is one of the four main stations, with an orbital elevator to the surface on Africa.

Because of snapped tensions the Union and Alliance got into a war on both the surface – Africa, with some intense stuff on Gibraltar right before the end – as well as that particular main station. Neither side had enough of a foothold to secure Sagittarius station.

I’ll be sure to clear that up, as well as the consistency issues and the rest (hopefully satisfactory), in the next draft. 

142
Reading Excuses / Re: Stealing Plots from Other Genres
« on: March 28, 2010, 09:38:53 PM »
When I read other works I can become inspired by the feeling of the work in question so much that I want to make something that conjures just that feel. I’ll do it with a setting of my own, characters and twists, that might be nothing like the original work. And that’s fine because it’s a feeling I want to capture and not the original work.

Other times I might be tempted to take bits of other works, such as an interesting location or character idea. I’m pretty abhorrent to the thought of taking things wholesale so I’ll twist things to make them mine.

Now, having said that, what you’ve got here is pretty barebones for a plot. You can fill in the setting, characters, and all the rest, with things that are nothing like where you got the original idea from. And if you’re still worrying about that, just twist things.

For instance, the betrayal you talk abuot might run deeper than just the woman. Maybe she’s also working for someone else, someone who in turn worked for your MC on another assignment. In order to fulfill that job she had to betray the MC. So in the end he really betrayed himself because he had too many goals and things just got out of hand.

That’s just one thing you could do. Just start twisting things and make it yours.

143
No, I understand completely. I’ll probably bring it up again every now and then, because I think the length your story is heading to is a valid concern. But I don’t recommend you scrapping anything now while you’re still writing the rest.

My suggestions may indeed change as you write more, and it’ll be interesting to see in what way. I do expect the main points to stay the same, I’ll still be saying you need to cut stuff and keep the pacing up ;)

This chapter was a good way to get things moving and putting it between some of the slower chapters lifts them up as well – of course if you spice them up it’ll be ever better, but that’s for the next draft when you’ve got the complete idea for where you want things to go.

144
Thanks, I’ve been really wondering about the order of chapters. I think, seeing this order, that I’ll stick with what I said about cutting chapters Anaiah 1 and 2 in my comments on Anaiah 3. The third chapter shows her character much better than the first two and would make for a stronger beginning.

Cutting those chapters will also bring this chapter closer to the beginning. Looking at the other chapters this is the first time we’re getting a look at a greater conflict going on in the world. In fact, we’re getting several: the Hesk threat, the Hellfane tribes/Apara plot against the Houses, and something else scaring the Houses enough to requisition a good amount of arms. We’re also getting a link with Jin’Cathul and the Pits and what might be in store for him. Yes, this chapter is definitely what this story needs.

Now, I wouldn’t be me if I also didn’t have some criticism. Like the last chapter it suffers from grammar/spelling issues.

Another thing is not so much a problem with this chapter as it is with what follows. I’m having trouble reconciling this Anaiah with chapters 6 and 7 Anaiah. Though I haven’t read it yet I’ve skimmed Anaiah 5 and saw it’s in the same timeframe as three and four.

Anaiah 6 has a time jump, which I only really realize because Anaiah acts more mature. There’s a grudge over weapons with the Apara, but we’re not shown why and how this happened. So something went wrong with the deals made, but making those weapons can’t take four years, so to hold a grudge this long and not do something about it earlier feels odd to me, even with the so-called threats alluded to in chapter four.

This is again the reactionary nature of your story, we’re getting that something interesting happened after the fact, but the interesting parts aren’t shown. I think you want to get to the interesting parts concerning God’s name, but if so, maybe you shouldn’t dwell so long on the younger years of the main characters.

145
I agree with Shivertongue on this chapter, it was a good beginning chapter. The only thing that really jarred me here and there are some grammar/spelling issues, but those are easily fixed.

In light of what I’ve been complaining and worrying about, namely the inordinate amount of time/words spent in the beginning parts, you’d do well I think to cut a lot of Anaiah 1 and 2 – add what you think we really need in this chapter and just forget about the rest.

One of the things you can probably skip out on is how she was found in the desert. When Caramoth mentions they don’t look much alike in chapter four is a good enough hint for the reader to know they aren’t related. The trouble with the other tribe members should show she’s not welcome either, which is what you’ve been trying to show with those chapters.

The thing I liked most this chapter was her toy, Trell. I really felt for Anaiah when it was broken and I haven’t had much opportunity to feel for her character so far. Chapters six and seven don’t paint a pretty picture of Anaiah after all, killing people and starting a quest for genocide are not endearing qualities.

146
Reading Excuses / March 22 - Asmodemon - Mouse Trap
« on: March 22, 2010, 09:40:13 PM »
For my submission I’m not doing the third chapter for the Citadel of Thorns this time, but a short story I’ve been working on instead. It’s science-fiction, which isn’t my usual fare, nor is writing a short story format.

Though those factors did make it interesting to write it also makes me wonder how well it turned out.

147
Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: March 20, 2010, 09:43:46 PM »
I've also got something to submit this week,  a short story I've been working on.

148
Reading Excuses / Re: March 1 -Argas - Heaven's Call Chapter 1-2
« on: March 02, 2010, 08:33:47 PM »
I’m going to have to agree with what the others said, your opening is pretty strong, but unfortunately it falls flat soon after. You can have something good here, but it needs work.

The biggest problem for me is the whole mess in the church, which I find both unbelievable and a bit clichéd. The clichéd part is how this is all reminiscent of religion versus learning with fanaticism in the former and ridiculously weak will on the other.

In his communion with his goddess Garin is pretty rude. I take the coldness to be the effect of his goddess on him, but he immediately starts thinking how weak she is (why, because she gave him the answer he was demanding?) and that he can reap the benefits of his ‘worship’. If I was a god I’d smite the guy as an example for the others of his kind, unless I was an evil god and went for that kind of thing.

He also observes how the villagers will be a problem in letting the murderer loose, but in the prayer hall Garin has to ‘remind them’ to get riled up about a killer. There’s also a great amount of hate all of a sudden for a kid who killed his mother. Surely there is also surprise and sadness somewhere? And why does the crowd suddenly let Alvis go, going so far as to give him shoes – doesn’t the kid have those at home anyway?

And for a meeting that’s about sentencing a murderer more attention went to a harmless professor than the admitted killer. The accusation against Matherly is so pathetically weak it’s a wonder she acquiesced so quickly

In all it’s not helping my suspension of disbelief.

Another thing is the end of chapter two. Esavir’s thoughts are a real heavy handed way to let the reader know something mysterious is going on. So far I’m also not really sold on the characters enough to actually care either. The two chapters are just too short for that to happen. You really need to expound on them and the setting – show why the church affair happened the way it did, show why we should care about Alvis, Matherly, and Esavir, and you’ll make this a whole lot better.

149
This was a good chapter, the best one so far I think. I don’t really have much to say about it.

The chapter addresses the problem with Guli’s behaviour and he didn’t annoy me once. And better yet it moves the story forward and sparks interest with several good hooks, such as Talven’s final remark of the chapter. These are the kind of things I’ve been wanting to see sooner, because if you’re going to aternate the Jin, Anaiah, Zulbane (we haven’t read about him for a while), and Guli chapters this might be, worst case, chapter sixteen – and that’s late for these hooks.

How are you going to order the chapters? Come on, throw me a bone ;)

The only real problem I had with the chapter is the sentence flow and structure; you’ve got a plenty of sentences missing key words or sentences with the wrong words in them, but that’s for later to solve.

150
Excellent, this chapter brings some of the forward movement I’ve been nagging you about on and on for a while now. It’s still not really proactive, but since this is the third Guli chapter and its got action and plot movement, it’s not a problem – you will still need to step that up with the other chapters though.

I’ve a question, this is the third Guli chapter but in the overall book, which chapter is this? You can really offset some of the tedium of the other chapters with this one since we’re finally getting a glimpse of the larger plot (God’s name).

On Guli: Ah, his fortress is in shambles and misses a piece. So does God's fortress. It would seem the two are really connected.  Now we're getting somewhere. Up till the end I’ve found Guli, and his slowness, to be mostly annoying.

Now that it seems that he’s a part cut off from God (which explains why he’s not all there) it makes his character a bit more understandable. Before that I found his character completely unsympathetic and unreal (how he makes smart observations at one moment and then the next his mind just takes a holiday when he speaks), so this revelation (if only a partial revelation) comes at the right time.

Even so, you might want to bring his smart moments and dumb moments more in line with each other. The stark difference makes Guli so unbelievable in the first three chapters until the end.

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