Timewaster's Guide Archive

What I do is just set two pages side-by-side, and the pages fill my screen. Then it's just like reading a book to me. Of course, I'm probably the only one in the group with a laptop sporting a 1920x1200 resolution display. I even have enough room to fit a column of notes.

Or, sometimes, I'll actually print it out on that dead tree stuff, and take Mr. Red Pen to it. I like that the best, but it tends to get expensive when people submit 7k chapters.

I'll admit I haven't read the whole thing. I didn't even join until you were around chapter 18 or so... But I will say this; you really don't want people hating your protagonists. At least, not in the way that I'm coming to dislike Kail. I have no problem with cocky characters, nor ones who kill out of necessity, nor even ones who are *good* at killing and somewhat enjoy it (as long as there's a purpose, like an assassin). Him wasting people because they hurt Ellie--that's a *good* reason, in my opinion. Him kicking someone while they're down (figuratively or literally)... not so much. Of course, if he feels no remorse for what he's done... well, that shifts him a little bit into the realm of unlikable. Perhaps this has been told in one of your earlier chapters already, perhaps not... but *why* does he feel no remorse? Was he abused as a child or something? Or is he really just psychopathic?

Also, I know Kajsa is a little... ambitious in that realm, too, but would she *want* him to be a heartless bastard? Okay, he loves her, but would she be fine with him hating the whole rest of the world, so they can go off and be bitter together?

Splitting the chapter in two (to put the "beginning of the prophesy" and its resolution in separate chapters) might help, but do you really want to bore yourself and us with 20 pages of explanation on him figuring out the glow? I mean, yes, that should take more time... but I'm not sure you want a blow-by-blow account of him puzzling it through. Maybe Daddy can suspend the hearing due to janitorial work, giving Kail some time to discover a way (maybe he actually has to *do* something besides just pull it out, like, draw the glyph around the sword, or activate an ability, or *something*) to prove his worth. And it takes some time. After all, he knows very little about the glyphs besides Kajsa's little lesson (which could be some foreshadowing in and of itself). It could also allow him to come to terms with what he is--the Godslayer.

Or maybe there is a more long-standing prophecy that the trolls have to prove him "better than all the trolls in the mountain" besides Kajsa's sword. I mean, it's not really much of a prophecy when it begins and ends within a day (or 2 minutes, the way it's written now). Shouldn't there be something like one of those "There shall come a time, when a man not of this world shall rend the very mountain we live in, shake the foundation of our society to its very core, and then bind us together stronger than ever" prophecies that's oh, a millennium or so old? Especially given how long-lived trolls are to begin with. Do trolls have seers, or prophets, or anything like that? Or, another possibility would be something wrong that none of the trolls have been able to fix. Then, when Kail is able to fix it, tada. Greater than all the trolls. I understand that you want to use Kajsa's sword because it's the idea that her grandmother(?) told her about, but her grandmother could always tell her about something else instead.

I think another problem I have with the whole sword-in-the-stone issue is the trolls' perception when he pulls it out. "Well, she just keyed its release to him because she loves him," I say, sowing even more seeds of doubt in the minds of the trolls. As her father, I'd *especially* think that, given how he knows her feelings toward Kail. So how is this supposed to prove that he's greater than all the trolls? Honestly, I think it needs to *not* involve the two of them, otherwise, the perception is going to be skewed.

I really didn't have a problem with the way you ended chapter 23 and how you began chapter 25. The unreliable narrator works great in that sense. Since you're in first person, you have to show it through the eyes of the character at focus. Kajsa believes one thing, but that doesn't make it the truth. The reality is quite different, as chapter 25 shows.

Sorry for another wall of text. Hopefully you're getting something from this besides my ranting.

Maybe she's one of those really stocky cooks who wields cast-iron skillets like flyswatters.

I hate to put this so bluntly, but I like this a lot more than The Name of God. Probably because in this, something exciting happened without me having to read so much backstory.

It's still a little rough, but the line-edits will hopefully point out most of the spelling errors.

Okay, so what you have here is a bit of DBZ (low population race that has "stages") mixed with blood magic (exploding blood that grants the user power). The concept of boiling your blood to gain power seems intriguing, though. For the most part, I like it, although I'd need to read more to see its full potential.

To answer your questions...:

1) I think in order for us to get behind him more, we have to know a little more about the stakes. How would Vanessa use this sword that he lost to destroy the world? If he's saving the world, I need to know from what, or I just think he's delusional. Having him go up against a Judge at the end (your version of a paladin, methinks) who tells Dariel that he killed the Ambassador because of a stupid misunderstanding isn't helping his cause, though. Even more reason to show that even that loss of life was necessary (at least in Dariel's eyes) because of how important this sword is.

2) To make the magic more interesting, I think you need to cut out some of the technicality. It doesn't feel like magic. It feels mechanical (especially when you start referring to things as "stages"). I noted that it feels a bit like DBZ. Might want to modify how you express his changes. Hair color? Super Saiyan all the way. I like the whole "blood boiling and coming out of his orifices" bit. That's cool. The Judge's magic I'd be more interested in, but you're not really in a position to explain it better when you're in Dariel's POV. As it is, you get a little telly when you have the Judge ask Dariel if he understands his power. If they were friends, and had fought before, he should already know, and it's a stupid question to ask in the middle of battle. Speaking of which, why is he always referred to as "the Judge"? I'm sure he would have a name, but Tergal's name (is that his last or first name?) is only mentioned once in the whole piece. Dariel never says it, which feels a little odd to me. I'd expect to see something like "Tergal, you must return the sword to me." (saying someone's name adds emphasis)

3) This one I'm not so sure about. Parkour is really cool to watch, and quite a bit less interesting to read. I think in order for it to work, you need to provide a very vivid picture that people can mentally visualize. Otherwise, people are apt to skim past it to get to the stabbity-stabbity.

And now we return to my regularly scheduled rants and ravings.

You refer to the guns as "locks". Are these matchlock, flintlock, or something else? Judging by the fact that Dariel seems to think that the powder will get wet (and not the match wick), I'd say flint. However, flintlock rifles are pretty closed systems. Water won't really affect an already loaded gun unless they point the barrel to the sky and let the rain fill it. I suppose it could affect the powder at their belts, but that was usually stored in pretty watertight containers (people figured out really quickly that waterlogged gunpowder was useless and took measures to keep that from happening).

At any rate, any lead ball rifle is usually not going to have an issue with the ball falling out (even less so if it's rifled). There's a reason why you need a ramrod. After you put the powder in, you put the ball in. The ball is often wrapped with a patch (usually just paper). That packs the ball against the bore, and the friction keeps the ball in and the powder tight. Try getting a ball out that you dry-balled (forgot to put the powder in). It's fun. I suppose you can load a musket without a patch, but you're going to lose a lot of velocity if the ball is just freeloading in the powder, and you're also not going to have a very good firing chamber (in fact, you could easily get backfire because the blast would shoot back out of the firing pan). Also, grape shot is generally noted as being the term used for a cannon-sized muzzle-loaded shot round, and I doubt the woman was carrying a cannon (the individual pieces were the size of grapes). What you're looking for is either just "shot", or buck and ball (which is a combination of a ball with some large shot). You could also, in a pinch, load a 'lock with shrapnel and shoot that, too. Nasty mess that made to whatever was on the receiving end.

I suppose I can rip on you for something I just got ripped on myself. This doesn't feel like a prologue. It feels like a chapter 1. But I'm sure you feel about the same way regarding that as I do (who cares).

I didn't have too much problem following the scene in my head, either. That's good. I had to read over some of the combat scenes a couple of times to make sure it was right to me, but I didn't notice any glaring issues. I have to say that I'd much rather read more of this than Name of God. Can you continue this one?

Um... you can probably skip those. Chapter 2 was a mess, and the prologue is already 2/3 rewritten. I'll let you think I'm a halfway decent writer for now, whereas reading those will make you wonder whether this chapter is a fluke.

As far as the chapter #, I'm not really all that concerned about it. If that was your only problem, run "chapter = chapter+1) on it and call it good. I understand where people are coming from with regards to it, and I'm not sure whether I'll have one of those scenes or not. If not, I'll change the prologue to chapter 1.

Texture... might be a bit harder, honestly. James really did get thrown into this (for reasons you'll find out later), and he's still adjusting. Now he's already getting thrown into more situations, without having a clue why. Setting I can do. The greater sense of importance, I'm not so sure about. The piece of heartglass is extremely important, but I don't know how to convey that much more without him saying something like "you are the universe's only hope, James".

The default state of a prison is isolation and containment. However, the reason for that is due to ease of control; if they can't go anywhere or do anything, they can't be a problem. However, this prison is an entire planet. Moreso, it's deep inside the planet. There are no ways out except through the choke-points of the prison structure itself. My idea is this: they're in for the long haul (essentially, life without parole). The prisoners here have a choice; they can work in the mines, and enjoy a "reasonable" existence, or they can be belligerent and go to isolation. Most people would choose the former. There is, for all intents and purposes, an entire self-contained society in the prison. I would probably compare it to how the British colonized Australia. I tried to show a little bit of that in this chapter, but didn't want to drone on about the whole system, which James wouldn't necessarily care about.

Thanks for the critique, though. I'm really trying to get the next chapter done, but my need for money has dictated that I work more to get it.

I don't see a problem.

I don't necessarily have a problem with needing to directly see a memory in writing to understand that when they forget it, they had to have had the memory to begin with. It's (usually) assumed that you, as the author, are making the characters behave in a way that doesn't break continuity.

That said, for those *really* important memories, why can't you use a different way to show that he's forgotten? I see two easily done possibilities.

First, have a very short flashback showing him *remembering* the memory that he's about to forget. I wouldn't overuse this, but for really important things, it makes sense that he would have thoughts about the memory when forging (and subsequently forgetting).

Second, have him *try* to remember something that he's forged. It's something really important, so he *should* remember, right? But he can't. Again, I wouldn't overuse it.

Together, those could easily paint a picture of what forging does to someone, and in a way that's going to drive home the point to both the reader and Jin how dangerous forging is.

Showing the difference between a normal fight (Teruss) versus the Hesk is good; it puts things in perspective. I think the problem we're having is that the first fight looks way too easy, so in comparison, maybe the Hesk are just *normal*. We don't ever see Teruss really kicking butt, and indeed he's a coward. We need to see Jin beat someone who actually puts up a fight (and still gets dominated), and *then* see the Hesk lay Jin out like a wet rag. It's almost better that we see Burm struggling; at least we know he's BA.

A little disclaimer: I don't read books to pick up on all the deep dark secrets of the author's inner turmoil. I *usually* don't even read too deeply into characters' actions. I'm definitely not the type of person to notice really subtle things 10 chapters down the road. I read books to escape, and to enjoy a good story (which, if there were more decent movies, I'd watch those instead, probably). So, maybe you need to take my comments of "it's too long and kinda boring" with a grain of salt. You're targeting a different audience than me. You're targeting my housemate, who goes through books *looking* for something to ruin the story for him (continuity issue, plot hole, etc.) just so he has something to complain about. I overlook those things, so that I can actually read the book again in the future. So my biggest issue is that seeing the childhoods of 4 characters that stretches across almost two dozen chapters is, quite frankly, boring. I want to get to the main plot, and the action, much quicker.

So, if I can forget my entire past, can I blow up the world?