Timewaster's Guide Archive

Hrm. I expected to get a decent ripping, and you haven't disappointed. 

Okay, I see your point and raise you an explanation and question:

Evocation (one of the four runecasting disciplines) does work off of Aristotle's classical elements, including all five (earth, fire, air, water, aether). Each of the runes depicted therein has a very specific base line with very specific radials defining element type(s) and structure, and modifiers for range, position, and strength (so far). Now, given that (and it's something that most people can relate with), it's a very small subset of the entire magic system.  There's also infusion (runes that would modify your body), enchantment (pretty self-explanatory), and summoning (summons are the embodiment of magic into an organic structure with a bit of the consciousness of the wielder "stuck" to it).  These are mostly things I don't want to infodump into the second chapter of my book.

I suppose, yes, it comes across as "it's been done before". Of course, so has everything else. I could go into the chinese elemental systems and add wood and metal, and give you at least one MMO that has done it (and numerous books, I'm sure).  I could go with a more force-like power, and step on Star Wars. I could make the runes stand for specific spells/be a language and rip off Elantris and dozens of other runic systems. I guess my point is that everything has been done, and it's just how you use it that defines its uniqueness.

That said, I'm not really defending my system. If you don't like it/think it's cliche/want to kill me for using it that's plenty fine. My corpse will still be your friend. I can get away with explaining Zellenya's summons a little better, to illustrate that they're not *actual* summoned creatures (think of them like elementals, but with better makeup). My question is this: is it that you hate the magic system, or is it that you're so biased by all the bad anime you've watched (not saying all anime is bad, but...) that you cannot stand "yet another classical element-based" system?

At any rate, I thank you for the scathing. It's making me depth-ize (yes, I use made-up words, too) the magic a bit.

P.S. Naruto? Really? C'mon, that's pretty harsh. 

Guess I'll start this one off.

First, I like this chapter a lot better than the one with Jin. There's a lot more going on (and I'm a sucker for action). Also, I get a better feel for Anaiah as a character.

Covered in the shroud of darkness, the Red Beast was a massive swirling God like the Three, or Skyfire gods as they called them here. Rings encircled the Red Beast, and smaller spheres circled the Beast. According to stories, those spheres were where the Darken lived.

I'm a little confused by the Red Beast. Is it a celestial occurrence, a heavenly body, a natural weather phenomenon...? I doubt that Anaiah understands what it is, but the description isn't enough to let me understand, either. Also, the sentence itself confuses me: "massive swirling God like the Three". Huh? What's the Three? Are they the Skyfire gods that you're referring to? What's the massive swirling God, then? I think this needs a bit of rewording and more description.

Reading a little more, it seems like the Three are also the same type of thing as the Beast, but since the Three have never been mentioned before, comparing it to them is confusing.

Torches went up first, then lamps. Anaiah gathered the displays and removed the pieces from their ropes.

The torches and lamps seem to be an indicator that it's time to pack up, but no specific mention is given of that. Something like "Anailah decided that it was time to pack up and set about the task." (I'm sure you can do much better; I'm just giving an example). Right now, I see "Oh, lights. Oh, packing." I understand after reading the rest of your chapter that the Darken are (usually) afraid of lights, and that Anaiah obviously doesn't want to be out if they're prowling around, but it's not immediately apparent.

You mention when she's done that the light had almost vanished, but with the torches and lights, wouldn't there be quite a bit still? Or did all the torch-wielding people leave as well? Or are you referring specifically to the light from the sky?

With the spear she removed a pair of thick, leather wrappings with cuffs for her hands.

How do you remove something with a spear? Did she have to cut bindings? This confused me a little.

“What?” Anaiah stopped to turn around. Her father, pushing the sack behind her, hit her from behind. She stumbled forward.

With a whole stretcher of equipment between them, hoisted by poles, I doubt her father could have run into her. Perhaps you meant that he pushed the stretcher into her? Although, if she turned around, she would have had to drop the poles to do so, which would have grounded them in the sand as he kept moving. Probably would have hurt him a lot more than her.

Why are they heading toward the particular House that they are? Does he know someone in that House, or do they just take shelter in whatever one that's closest? This probably needs a little fleshing out.

Stones rained down from the ramparts around the massive stone building, flying overhead and landing with heavy thuds against against the sands. Flaming arrows followed. Arrows? How much wealth can these Houses have?

How large are these stones? Are we talking boulder-sized, as the thuds indicate? If so, why are these houses so prepared for something that has never happened before? Or do they throw boulders at the other houses for fun and profit?

There it was, a darken.

In the two paragraphs previous to this, you refer to the darken being moved back by the burning arrows. Since this is written from Anaiah's restricted point of view, she has to have seen them in order for the narration to describe them moving back. Or is this her second darken that she's seeing near the House (indicating that "a" needs to be "another", or something). In the next paragraph, she asks herself if there are three, or more. She's seen either one or two, depending on the above, so why does she ask if there are three or more?

Most of these things are really nit-picky, but if I'm reading fast and they catch my eye, I feel obligated to report them, because they break the flow. You have a really good chapter here, with lots of fun stuff happening. Keep it up!

The biggest detail that I noticed was the situation with the mens' deaths. I understand that part of it has to do with his brooding over it, but it seems to get replayed a lot. By the first paragraph I understand his guilt, but it's reiterated a few more times in this chapter. I'm not sure whether his guilt is apparent in the previous chapter, but if it is, there's probably little need to continue repeating it here. His acceptance of fault in their deaths is still good though, because it shows character evolution.

Okay, I think I'm going to be a little more nitpicky, and I feel like doing it here.

   Truth was, he enjoyed the night air too much. As he exited his mediocre Shayra “manor”, he gasped at the glory of the Sanctuary's glowing sky. Thousands, probably infinite stars covered the would-be blackness. Haiden likened them as eyes watching the world, even though the stars were really the opposite of eyes. Here, white were the pupils and black was the host. And the moon, nearly full now, was like a huge orb illuminating all the streets. The night—crisp, yet not cold—was perfect, and of course, there was no wind. Haiden had missed the peace of the Sanctuary.

This paragraph bugged me. The first problem I had was using quotes to imply sarcasm. There are better ways to show his impressions of his lodgings.  Then you explain your first simile by contrasting it. And the moon isn't LIKE an orb illuminating all the streets. It IS an orb....  Okay, Of course there was no wind? Why not? What makes it so obvious? I certainly didn't know there wasn't supposed to be none. The last sentence kinda seems the opposite of what I think you intended, too. He's experiencing the peace that he was missing (this much I understood), but usually you would phrase a sentence as you did when he returned to the sanctuary. As it is, he still misses the peace of the sanctuary, but he's getting a similar peace now from the night (removing "had" is the quick and dirty way to fix that, although you could expound on comparing this nighttime peace to the peace of Sanctuary for more dramatic effect).

Moving on...

The next paragraph seems very out of place. What perfect Haven/Sanctuary. Is he referring to the night? The Sanctuary itself? His thoughts don't fit with his narrated feelings at all.

Well, it seemed to get a lot better once you moved into conversation. Or maybe I'm just incapable of finding as many problems with dialog (lack of experience?). Either way, all of my issues dropped to line-level.

This chapter wasn't nearly as exciting as the last one, but I think your writing was a lot better in it. The conversation gives a bit of insight without thrusting the world on you, and it seems a very realistic conversation. I think it causes me to question a lot of my earlier predispositions about Haiden. He still feels like a manipulator, but not so antagonistic, now. Blurring the lines of who's right and wrong makes me feel better, because I'm not one for reading just the traditional good -vs- evil stories (although I generally tend to write people -vs- people AND good -vs- evil in the same story, because nothing says epic battle like absolutes). Still interested. Keep 'em coming.

Congratulations! If you're still alive at this point, I salute you. If you've not read my work, you cheated, and shall be punished accordingly (by having to read it).

I welcome any and all complaints, big, small, but hopefully specific (you suck doesn't help, even if it's true). I also welcome any suggestions. Perhaps I'll use it, perhaps not, but it gets my gears turning, and most of you seem to do this a lot more often than I do.

Praise is nice, too, but not too much. My head is already inflated, and any more might cause my headphones not to fit.

I hope there aren't too many line-level edits, but I've been surprised before. Send 'em my way, please.

And thanks for reading.

P.S. I apologize for not setting my submission to double-spaced. I usually work in single-space, so I can see more. I'll try really hard to remember to change it when I pull it out to submit it.

P.P.S I also apologize for the mailing list eating my document title. That I have no clue about, because the one that I sent has the title. Perhaps one of the board devs can explain why it's completely gone. The title was Reading Excuses - lethalfalcon - Mortal Divinity - Chapter 2.doc.

I'm probably going to put out one on Monday, assuming I can be happy with it by then.  It'll probably be the only one for awhile, though (I'm slow, a perfectionist, and have a job).

That said, I seem to remember reading that you don't have to critique every single one you get. I don't know that I will be able to every week (although I'll try to post something, because I'll at least read them). I wouldn't mind getting up to 10 per week, under the assumption that I'd probably read them all but only review 4-6.

Um... wow. Just wow.

I'm having a hard time cutting through the awesome to make my traditional bad news first routine (glass 3/4 empty type, I am). So, I guess I'll build off Cynic's post.

I think there was a flashback, with the fog. However, this sentence:

It washed over Cien, filling his ears with a rattle like dry lung tissue.

is not in the past participle form (It had washed over Cien). There are a couple of other sentences around there that muddy the water on whether it's a flashback, too. If it is a flashback, putting it in blockquote and italicizing it is a common method of indicating such. If it's not a flashback, the second paragraph needs rewritten, because it very much indicates a past event. I also think that perhaps you could mention Elenor's presence before the part about the mist, so that we know she's there at least.

I actually am a little confused about your prologue's title. It doesn't quite seem to fit what's going on in the scene. It's almost like that's what Chapter 1 should be, and this should be something like "An Empire Fallen" or somesuch. Dunno, it's your story, but it is something that I felt.

Well, that's about all the bad. Now, the good. The amount of detail given in your sentences is epic. It's so interwoven it never really stood out to me, but man could I visualize that whole chapter. I love it! I dunno whether I would pick up the book on a whim and just start reading it (unless you have a dragon on the cover. I'm a sucker for dragons on cover art... sans Eragon *shudder*), but having read the prologue, I would almost definitely continue reading it. I've read grittier material, and it's a change of pace from the traditional lighter tones I usually read.

One last thing: if the rest of the book is going to be lighter, why make this one so graphic? I'm not really complaining about the violence, but if the rest of the book doesn't have much, it'll be a bit of a letdown. The prologue is the hook because it sets the tone for the actual writing style of the book, not just the plot/characters.

Your (admittedly few) line-level edits are in your inbox, somewhere. Insert standard disclaimer about letting me know if you don't get them here.

Yay, thrilling action!

Alrighty, now this is something I can get behind. I read the other 4 chapters as well, and it was rather... slow, but this! This I blew through (I read a lot faster when I'm caught up in it).

One thing that bothered me a little was how tired he seemed when he got to his suite, and yet, he ends up wandering off to the other side of the tower to find Amil and then Landon after just a short while reading the Tome. Did he feel rejuvenated by what he read (which doesn't make much sense, considering the dread of the first line), or is he just ignoring his fatigue? Once in the battle, I know that adrenaline would fix the problem for a time, but he's not going to get a rush just going to visit Amil or Landon.

Also, Tav's encounter with William at the beginning seems a little... like an afterthought. Like you wanted to make sure the reader knew that he was there so you could use him during the fight. It just doesn't feel as natural as the rest of the chapter to me. I think a lot of it stems from this:

On the way, he approached the night-guard...

When he's navigating through and in the Hall,  I got really confused. Normally I can picture how a character walks through a scene pretty well, but I get completely lost in your cathedral. I think it might be because you're referring to the sleeping chamber as a hall, when I think of halls as either small passageways (hallway), or giant rooms with expansive ceilings (dance hall). Usually the room would be called a dormitory (that's the literal word for describing a room full of beds in an institution). You also make multiple mention of the stained glass window, and you have both the corridor and the window "on/to the left".

When Cale arrives (at the far end of the hall, judging from where the one acolyte left), he's suddenly blocking the door to the common rooms, after Tav has entered the common room. This makes no sense. It's also odd how you say he made it into the common rooms, when I think it's likely you mean the corridor (the same one he enters earlier on his way to one of the larger common rooms itself). Still, I doubt Cale teleported halfway across the Hall/Dorm to where the corridor was.

The fight scene was great, but I think there are again some positional issues. When Tav originally entered the room, the kerosene lamp was near the door (on the wall?). At least, it seemed that way to me. The problem here is that it would be impossible for Tav to reach the lamp, because it would be behind the assassin at that point (since the assassin rushed into the room before halting). If it is on the wall (usually they were, so people wouldn't knock them over so easily), it's kinda hard to pick it up, too. Doesn't stop you from ripping it off the wall, though. Of course, perhaps there's a second lamp on a table or something, but it was never alluded to before.

Okay, I'm done ranting... wait, please don't run away! Come back! I can speak the good parts now!

The way your character acted was so... good. He didn't just go all-powerful on the assassin and kick him to the curb (although that would be cool, too). He really tried hard to be "better" than his previous self by using Suggestion and his brain to avoid using Potency. He only used it as a last resort to not die and save the night. And he'll have a nifty scar to show all the ladies! I'm really glad he didn't walk out of that fight unscathed. Main characters can get hurt too!

I feel kinda bad for ragging on your positioning, but when I'm reading, and especially when I'm reading action scenes, I want to visualize. And I can really visualize. It's one of my biggest curses, though, because if I can't visualize something, I can't write it.  One thing I find that really helps is to actually draw the floor plan of your buildings. Even if it's just a raw sketch, it can really help you see exactly where your characters all are in relation to each other. Or, you can use miniatures and act it out.

In conclusion, keep it up! I want to read more about this magic, and I want to see how Tav deals with his inner turmoil. Line level edits have also been sent. Let me know if you don't get them.