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Messages - lethalfalcon

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106
Reading Excuses / Re: Do We Want A Website?
« on: December 04, 2009, 06:28:18 AM »
One of the big problems that it would solve is the ease of being able to go back and get past submissions, so you A) don't have to dig through your emails to find it, and B) don't have to ask them to send it if you're new to the group.

As for your first point, I could get around that easily. When a piece is marked for critique, I take a snapshot of that document and send it to you in email (the system supports revision control, so you can easily get to your old versions in case you want something from an old copy). Your email address is never made public to *anyone*, even the other list members. As it is, the second you send a submission to the reading list, everyone else gets your address. By the system sending you an email, you now have two ways of getting it: the old way, or through the site itself (new way). I personally dislike using email. I have well over a dozen accounts I have to actively keep track of, and even with filters I sometimes get things lost in the noise.

As for the submission process being clunkier, I'm not quite sure I can agree. Right now, you have to submit a document via email (which you have to pull out of your big document already, unless you actually create new documents for each chapter, which I know I don't, at least), and then you have to come here and create a new thread to discuss it (although sometimes other people end up creating your thread, but that's just pushing the burden on to someone else). Compare this to copying your chapter and just pasting it in a box and hitting submit. All formatting is preserved, a thread is automatically created, and you don't have to worry about whether everyone in the list will get it or not (which is apparently a problem for some people already). Even if they didn't get the email notification, logging into the site would show the same notification and they could access it that way. Even better, you'd have the ability to access your own works when you weren't at your computer, as long as you were at *a* computer with internet access.

As for the browsing process, I don't know how difficult it would be for you to find someone's submission when there's a group dashboard window that lists all the group members, and likely their recent submissions. It wouldn't be any more difficult than finding the thread to post on in this forum for a given chapter by a given user. The thread itself would be attached directly to the submission page, similar to how deviantArt has comments below the piece. Comments would be tracked by revision as well, so you would know that a given comment is/is not part of the current revision you're looking at. Almost all of this is transparent to the user (unless they want to see their past revisions).

I'm a big fan of open document formats, too (I can't stand Microsoft, et al for creating proprietary systems). At any time, you'd be able to pull your documents off the list (probably in RTF format, since it's the easiest to generate programatically), and you could always restrict your external access to "private" to prevent anyone from seeing any work you wanted to.

Now, I'm sure I don't have all the answers, and I honestly don't know whether it's right for RE. I'm building it anyway, because *I* already use it for a lot of my writing, and it already supports collaboration so that my friend and I can work on the same book and see what we're each writing. If nobody uses it, I'll live, but I do get warm fuzzies when I find that something I did has a valid use outside my little world. At some point, I'll consider the site ready for outside beta testing and then I'll create a thread on it to gather feedback. At that point, we could discuss shortcomings, features that are needed, and *possibly* make it something that RE (and other writing groups) could use to make their lives easier.

And then I'll go on to solve world hunger. :)

107
Reading Excuses / Re: Do We Want A Website?
« on: December 04, 2009, 04:48:34 AM »
Since somebody actually necro'd this thread already (causing me to notice it), I was wondering what, if anything, was going to be done about this. I think it would be great if RE had a site. I also think it would be great if there was a better way to send out submissions than through a mailing list. As it is now, it only takes one person getting a virus on their computer to harvest their address book before we're all in a world of hurt. I'm surprised it hasn't happened already, honestly.

That said, I'm willing to offer my services to help set something up, if anyone wants it. I have two T-1 lines running into my basement, hosting two fairly nice servers (with full battery backup for about 4 days, nightly disk backups offsite, etc.). I use it to host a few of my clients already, but the lines are barely a quarter used at present. I highly doubt RE would be pulling in 40GB/mo. on its own, even if it *did* have graphics (40GB/mo. is about 1k unique visitor per day on a fairly graphics-intensive site). I'd also be willing to write some code if it was necessary--that's what I do for a living anyway, and I doubt RE would be high maintenance. I wouldn't even have a problem setting up a VPS and giving out the access to people who wanted it, if someone else wanted to take the reins.

I've been working on a site for about a year now that's geared toward writing, as well. As I progress on it, I'm actually gearing it more toward a writing collaboration/critiquing site anyway, so when I'm all done, I'll see if perhaps I can help RE that way. Think of it like a forum board mixed with something kinda like Google docs, but with a lot more control over who can see it.

I will let everyone know that one thing I cannot do is design. I can't draw worth beans. I can take any photoshop/ai composite and make it work really well in HTML/CSS though, which is what I spend half my day doing (the other half is making the sites actually *do* something).

Anyway, that's my rant on the subject.

108
Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: December 04, 2009, 04:03:01 AM »
I'd like to read more of your writing, vegetathalas. Just... don't read my last submission, whatever you do. You'll gouge your eyes out and never be able to write again. :P

As an aside, hopefully, in the next couple of weeks I'll be able to submit something. It will *not* be as bad as the last, I promise! Things will *happen*. It'll probably not be this next Monday, though. I'm trying to get caught up on work.

109
Reading Excuses / Re: November 30 - Recoverying Cynic - Oathbound - Ch. 4
« on: December 02, 2009, 12:30:22 PM »
I'd have to disagree a little bit, here. The wildmen don't have to be experts at swordsmanship to be able to stab things with them. After all, most people know how to use a knife to cut their meat, and so they know that the sharp end goes into the soft abdomen. Now yes, they aren't going to be making precision strikes (like piercing the heart between your ribs), but jabbing sharp objects into animals/people has been around a *very* long time (spears were a very common early hunting weapon, after all). Most of your argument speaks more toward slashing swords, such as the katana. Those are freakishly sick when wielded well, but yes, a novice is more likely to chop their free arm off if they start flailing it around. Even then, against an unarmed opponent, it's still dangerous, because you can stay fairly safe just make short chopping actions with it. As far as stances go, most people instinctively know to brace wide when pushing something. You don't put your feet together and try to jab. You'll just fall over. You don't have to be a black belt to understand the basics of how your body works. Is it the most effective? No. Can you put a short sword through somebody's gut? Very probably.

Speaking of which, the wildmen must have some sort of sentience. They have a rudimentary communication system, even if it's just grunting/howling. I keep hearing critiques that make them sound dumber than cavemen. I never got that sense.

As for the hunting, there are many different ways to bowhunt animals. The one your friend illustrated is blind/stand hunting, and is generally the easier way to do it. Of course, that assumes all of our modern-day equipment, which you noted a lot of. More to the point, there are still plenty of people who hunt by tracking. It's a lot more thrilling, especially when you go after larger animals like bear (and yes, you can certainly kill grizzlies with arrows, as long as your bow has a high enough draw weight).

Also, there's a significant advantage these days in using a compound bow. Once you hit full draw, it's pretty easy to keep it drawn for a decent amount of time, and there are things you can do to make it even easier, at the sacrifice of some of your kinetic energy on release (different cam shapes have lower let off weights). However, he doesn't have one. He has a standard yew (or similar wood) short or long bow, from the description I got from him bending it to tie the string.  Longbows are a lot harder to move through the woods with, although its not impossible. They have greater flight ranges, though. Good luck keeping one of those drawn for more than a minute. Your arm will be killing you. Keeping it nocked (no, it does not have a 'k' in the front of it, contrary to most spell-checkers' beliefs) is pretty standard, though, as you can hold it in place with two fingers easily, and prevents you from having to reach into your quiver when the perfect moment comes.

Now, given that his arrows are not going to be barbed titanium tipped broadheads, he is probably going to have to deal with tracking the deer after it's shot. Sometimes you still have to do that if you hit the shoulder anyway. However, a standard longbow with a 60 pound draw can hit 180 yards without losing much accuracy (and can go a lot farther if you're just shooting a volley). Most people won't hunt beyond 50 yards though, even with a compound bow, because the noise of the release spooks the deer. His distance of 30 paces isn't really a problem (except that he's apparently a horrible shot). Since he never shoots the deer, we don't see his tracking at all.

If he was ingenious, he could always make a crossbow. He'll only get one shot, though.

One thing that *is* a problem is where he got the bow. Good yew bows take 3-4 years to make (the wood takes a lot of time to season). if he made his own bow out of local woods, it's very likely he'll have to replace it frequently because it will start to keep its bend. Unstringing the bow when you're done using it helps, but only so much.

Deer scent masks were not too hard to come by, even back then. As long as you're reasonably clean, almost any urine can cover up your scent (rabbit, skunk, deer), and that's not terribly hard to get if you're determined to. Standing down-wind is a must, though. You can always use antlers to try to call, too, but that depends on the season.

If you want more information, feel free to contact me on the issue. I grew up in Michigan hunting whitetail deer in the forests, with both bow and gun. One of my clients is a hunting outfitter directory service, too, so I'm fairly surrounded by the subject.

110
Reading Excuses / Re: November 30 - Recoverying Cynic - Oathbound - Ch. 4
« on: November 30, 2009, 10:30:06 AM »
Okay, since I didn't manage to get around to reviewing your chapter 3, I'll make up for it here:

Off the bat, I'm a little confused by how much time has passed between the end of the last chapter and this one. Perhaps it isn't too relevant, but you have a lot of jumps already in the first three chapters, so I've already lost my temporal bearings a couple of times. He notes that he's gotten better "over the years", which could be the past two that they've lived out there, or it could be longer.

I'm getting a little info dump here about how to hunt. I'm not sure it's entirely a bad thing. Generally, you will be concentrating on things like avoiding the twigs (and he does that, which is good), but you won't reminisce about how you've gotten better. You're too busy concentrating on your steps and your quarry.

Ooh, a hound. And Baltier's not dead how? If a doe could hear him nock and draw an arrow, there's no way the hound wouldn't hear him from 25 paces. These things are pure killing machines, and as such, I'd imagine their senses are pretty keen. Also, that doe is pretty flighty, so why didn't it hear the hound's clicking dew claws, or the rustling that Baltier heard, and bolt?

Your description here is pretty good (if a bit gory), and I don't have any problem with visualizing it.

When he meets the knight, I find it a little odd that Baltier is too slow to move out of the way of the charging horse, considering he had "but a moment to notice" the horse's condition. He would probably also notice that it was on a collision course with him. Of course, if he didn't notice such in time, he'd likely get trampled, and be dead again. Poor Baltier.

And that poor horse. If the knight has been riding it hard enough to get bloody foam, the horse has either been fighting the bit (and it's chewing up its gums), or it should have dropped long ago. The fact that he's gashing it with spurs doesn't help. Horses foam normally when they're riding, but it's spittle. It's actually good when they do, because it keeps the mouth moist and the bit from rubbing harshly. The lathered sweat is good, though. Shows it's been ridden hard (which is what I think you're going for).

Quote
A knight was sworn to give aid when you ring the bell.  He had to help.  They had helped before.

You?  This little bit feels a lot like you're telling the reader how things work. A lot of places where you give out information in the narration does this to some extent, but this one was big enough that I decided to point it out. I think we all know that info-dumping is bad, but we all do it anyway. :) I'd either flow it into the story better, or nix it entirely and let the fact that he's so anxious to get to the bell indirectly clue the reader in that they're supposed to help. After all, just last chapter you had the one knight telling them about the bells anyway, so it should already be known.

When the horse lunges forward with Baltier holding the reins, that would be a sure-fire way to turn the horse. They do not ignore the bit. They certainly aren't going to ignore it with a full man's weight tugging on it from one side. The more experienced the rider, the lighter the bit generally is, which means that any strong pull will bite a lot more.

So, after the knight dazes him, he suddenly doesn't have to move fast anymore? Why wouldn't he be racing off again? It didn't seem clear that he cared a whit for his horse, so it's not likely that he suddenly grew a conscience and decided to let it rest.

Okay, gore-fest! I don't really have much problem with this. It's very vivid, which I know will turn off a lot of readers, but I've read worse, so it doesn't bother me. The only thing I really had a problem with was the description of Mariana's torso, which you say is "thrown against the wall", but later you turn it over and find the corpse underneath it. That implies that it's on the floor, rather than against the wall (to me, anyway). Other than that, it builds a lot of hatred for the hounds, and for the knight who didn't help. Good.

Something I keep noticing is that Baltier's thoughts don't really fit the mood. We just got done seeing his wife ripped to pieces, and now he has a sword sticking out of his side, and when he grips it, he thinks to himself Silly of me... I keep thinking of a cartoon with a character saying in a British accent "By Jove, I think we've bit it!" Baltier's internal thoughts need to be a lot darker.

About that wound.... If the sword went through his kidney, he has about a minute to live. Your kidney is what filters your blood, so slicing and dicing it makes you bleed like a stuck pig. Now granted, the hound gnawing on his shoulder probably isn't improving his living chances, but yeah. It also tends to induce immediate shock, which means no yelling, no grabbing his intestines... just paralyzing and dying. Really poor Baltier.

Okay, a lot of those were really nitpicky things I noticed while I was reading. Now, I'll get to the deep thoughts.

First: after reading chapter 1-4, I'm finding that a lot of the earlier stuff is mostly irrelevant. Chapter 1 and the first part of chapter 3 show a brief point in time when he's released from prison. This builds a lot of Baltier's character, but doesn't really progress any story. He meets Mariana, and that's good, but you don't get a sense the he really cares until the second half of chapter 3 and then *a lot* in chapter 4. It's a little jarring, how much he suddenly cares. Chapter 2 is a flashback, and that could easily be placed anywhere where it was relevant, such as a time when Baltier is regretting his past actions and trying to change them. The first time I really see any driving force for Baltier is in this chapter. The driving force is good, but now I'm 5 chapters into the book. Personally, I think this should be what introduces Baltier. You get an *immediate* sense of purpose for Baltier. Chapter 1 is just meandering compared to this.

Second: Well, I *know* Baltier isn't dead, because you don't spend 3 chapters on a POV just to kill him off, without having anyone to take his place. However, I don't see any way he could have lived through a kidney shot and hound gnawing. Yeah, you can tell me to RAFO, but at this point, I'm thinking he should be ultra-dead, and anything that brings him back is "Hand of God" type stuff. I guess that wouldn't be all bad if it *was* Asharia that brought him back, but then I'll need a really good reason *why*.

Third: You tend to use some colloquialisms in your writing. This generally isn't good. There was at least one in chapter 4, and I know I saw others, I just can't find them right off-hand.

Fourth: For Pete's sake, choose a method to convey thoughts! Either italics or underlining is fine (I generally prefer italics), but quit switching, please! I get all confuzzled.

At any rate, I like this chapter better, but I think its placement is wrong. Perhaps your later chapters will convince me otherwise, but I still think it should be moved up closer to the beginning, to give readers a really good reason for wanting to read on to find out (although, you might want to make his injuries a little less grave so it doesn't appear to the reader as though you killed off your MC, but again, that's my opinion; you're free to disagree and write a compelling story that shows otherwise). Keep 'em coming!

111
Reading Excuses / Re: November 23rd - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God - Prologue and chapter 1
« on: November 27, 2009, 11:18:12 PM »
Time for chapter 1.

As far as your writing goes, this is much better. Things are happening, characters are introduced that I've already read about, so it's a nice look into their past.

My one problem regarding this is whether it should be Chapter 1, or if it would be better suited as a flashback later on in the book. I don't know what would work better, given that I've only seen one other chapter with Anaiah, and she was much older then. It's also told from Caramoth's point of view rather than Anaiah's (which makes sense), so I dunno.

Reading this, I can see the desert pretty well. That's definitely good. I kinda feel like I'm in Dune. :P

Why on earth would he not have a cape or something? If he's lived in the desert for any length of time, he should be very aware of the unpredictability of the weather, and would know to be prepared. The desert is very unyielding, and its inhabitants have to be smart and stubborn. I like that you're putting him against the weather, but he would have a cloak (unless it managed to get lost somehow...)

Is there a reason why it's called "Seven Stairs"? The impression I got was that it was actually 7 stairs to the floor of the bowl, but that means each step is at least 1.15 feet tall, and that's if the bowl is only 8' deep. Those are some pretty steep steps to get a big animal down.

Speaking of animals, I have no idea what a bulou or chut looks like. Since this is the first chapter, they'll need some description pretty quick, so the reader knows what to think of them as.

A two-year old is *not* going to sit still for any length of time. Is it just that he thinks she's two, or that she really is? Later, he says that she can't have lived beyond four seasons. Four is slightly better for teaching a child to sit for more than 2 seconds, but not much. I lose believability here.

The part where he's rescuing her plays out weird to me, too. He's sneaking up behind her, then dives at her. Now, in my mind, that would likely send them both right over the cliff. If he came up beside her, it would be a little different, but there's no indication of where he is relative to her.

There's quite a bit of history about the witches here, and I'm not sure it's all necessary. It does get a little info-dumpy on the subject. Sentences like
Quote
Witches, he knew, were not above abandoning their children...
are bad so early in the book. He might know that, but he probably wouldn't think about it much at the time. You explain it again later on in your philosophical debate with the elders, so why put it twice?

Okay, one last bit.  If your gods tell you that something or someone will bring ruin to your entire civilization, you don't question them. You remove the problem. If they are going to take enough time to consult the rocks, they believe what they say. For Caramoth to question their judgment and go against their sayings shows that he very much does NOT have faith in them. For Hammond to stand by and accept that is tantamount to blasphemy. If I were either of them, I'd have that baby in ten pieces in five seconds. This right here is the biggest issue with this chapter. It simply isn't believable. The fact that the stones then seem to not care that he's disobeying them is just the cherry on top.

In conclusion, chapter 1 was a lot better to me, but there are still some glaring issues with the way things turn out.   Now, hopefully I can give you something to butcher in return in the next week or two. :) Line edits shall appear in your inbox posthaste.

112
Reading Excuses / Re: November 23rd - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God - Prologue and chapter 1
« on: November 27, 2009, 07:15:41 PM »
I'm afraid this is going to be "return fire" from your critique on my abomination. :)

I read through it (4 times now), and still had a lot of problems visualizing much of anything from the prologue. I get no sense of what God looks like (and I'd imagine he looks like something), nor do I get a good feel for the environment. I see a small little cube with a bed in it. But I see Him hitting the wall with his fist from the comfort of his bed at one point. How big is the cube? He can get up and walk, so it must not be too horribly small, but I keep feeling like it is (from all the times the walls "close in").

Also, he seems to know a lot about his people, but his memories keep disappearing. Why not the memories of his people? Is that part of Chalot's torture, is to feel powerless? I'd bring that out earlier, because it makes you feel bad for God, and hate Chalot much more. Right now, I don't really know who to root for.

The Fortress... God's wandering around in there is very dull. It's like you're wandering around in your writing, and is not good for the prologue. Showing the Fortress isn't a bad thing, but I need to feel more oomph from it.

Quote
I need to do this more often, he concluded, especially if the light hurts me.
Wha? Why? Is God a masochist?

I have absolutely no visualization of the vessels that Chalot came in. Are they ships, or something else? How does God hear them? If he's re-experiencing his memory, he should at least show some details, so the reader can, too.

When it's talking about Vengeance and how it makes his walk through other people's Fortresses frigid, wouldn't that be why his Fortress is cold? This is the impression I got, and if I could get it, why can't God? He's vengeful toward Chalot, I'd guess. Also, what kind of monstrosity does vengeance create with memories? Wouldn't God be able to see the true image anyway, even if man's vision was tainted?

And... there's a warden. Where'd she come from? Why wasn't she there at the beginning? Why would she ever let him enter His mind, if it holds the key to His escape?

Quote
Why can I not bend the walls?
He's bent them numerous times. He can't break them, though.

Ah, the cold ground still confuses him. Why?! He just reminisced about how vengeance makes the path cold. Make him understand!

When you start referring to the Shroud, I get lost. What's the Shroud? He can apparently access it from inside the prison. Is it what the walls are made of? Also, right there, a lot of your movements are redundant. He grips the Shroud, then places his hand on the Prison door. His other hand? Or the same one? I'd imagine you need both hands to forge a frame

Wait, he can't remember his name, or 90% of his life, but he knows where the key to his prison is? How's that? Why would he even think that Chalot wouldn't move it? Obviously she's pretty darn smart if she could lock him in his own cage.

The part where he's thinking about influencing his followers seems out of place. I'm guessing he's been in here for awhile now; one would imagine he would have already tried to seek outside help. So it's a bit of "why now?"

I also don't understand how memories could be closer or farther from your "core". What does that mean? Is it something like how remembering what I ate for dinner last night isn't as important as remembering what my birthday is, because my birthday defines me more?  If so, why is the first memory he sees of his daughter? I'd think that's sorta important.

My biggest problem with this is that you're showing us a character that we can't really relate to, who's not doing all that much, mostly because He can't. I feel like this whole prologue could be summed up with "And Chalot trappeth the God within His own Prison walls, and He wept and struggled Feebly therein. Amen." I know this seems quite hypocritical, considering my last submission, and I won't deny that I am, but there it is.

Okay, so... wow, I'm sorry for that rant. Um... chapter 1 coming up next. It's not *nearly* so bad.

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Reading Excuses / Re: November 23rd - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God - Prologue and chapter 1
« on: November 26, 2009, 09:07:07 AM »
Yeah, I got it. I've gone through it the first time and am putting together my notes on things. Sorry I've been a little busy this week. You'll get it later today, methinks.

114
Reading Excuses / Re: Reading Excuses - Nov. 16 - lethalfalcon - Mortal Divinity - Chapter 2
« on: November 25, 2009, 07:13:52 AM »
Honestly, at this point, I'm starting to think that this chapter was more a test drive of the scene than something I should have submitted. However, I'm still glad I did submit it, because it shows me a lot about what the vast majority of the crowd does expect. At this point, I'm still a little unsure of how I want the book overall to go. Since it's a collaborative work, I need to match the style of the other writer, or it'll be really odd to read. He's currently stuck in classes, though. I'm definitely going for darker than this chapter shows.

This chapter has already started to undergo the process of butchering. I can't even continue on to my next chapter with the issues that I've unleashed. My next submission will probably be the prologue, and then a vastly rewritten chapter 2. Hopefully I can redeem myself. Or at least have more micro problems than macro.

115
Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: November 23, 2009, 07:46:43 AM »
I'll read it, even if no one else will. :P

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Reading Excuses / Re: New Title
« on: November 21, 2009, 07:09:03 AM »
I suppose it does. I'm used to using entropy in information theory, where *knowing* the the exact entropy of a system means you can correctly define its state no matter what. More entropy would mean more chaos, until you figured it out. Entropy is just the potential for disorder, though, not the kinetics of it.

I'm sure you know a lot about your namesake, though. :)

117
Reading Excuses / Re: november 16- recovering cynic-oathbound-ch. 2 re-write
« on: November 21, 2009, 06:11:24 AM »
The only way italics would work is if he was retrospecting while still traveling and it kept cutting back to the present.

We did some stuff. It had seemed such a good idea at the time. Oops, we got caught. If only I'd been paying more attention.

That sort of thing (but in third person, or you'll have thought italics mixing with flashback italics).

Alternatively, there's the blockquote, but for a whole chapter, there really isn't much point except increasing page count.

118
Reading Excuses / Re: New Title
« on: November 21, 2009, 06:06:12 AM »
I can't say that I really like either of them at this point--neither of them *feel* right to me given what I've read thus far. That said, I'm definitely part of the "ooh, pretty jacket art" kind of impulse buyer. :P

Obviously you know a lot more about the plot than we do at this point, but with what I've seen, I'd have several other ideas for a title. I don't really see much in the Oath department (other than what was broken in the beginning), and Chaos... well, there's lots of that, but a book without chaos probably isn't much of a story, is it? Entropy takes all the fun out of books.

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Reading Excuses / Re: Reading Excuses - Nov. 16 - lethalfalcon - Mortal Divinity - Chapter 2
« on: November 21, 2009, 05:41:33 AM »
It's the first time you meet Aliese. I mentioned this in my email that the Prologue is set 10 years into the past (The Event), and chapter 1 is another POV. There isn't really any earlier time to introduce her. It seems though that I'm doing something wrong introducing her, so I'll have to address that. Any suggestions as to what makes you feel specifically that you're starting late? I see countless books/shows/movies that start out with the main character just finishing something, which is what I was going for (I'm not going to use class as an infodump in chapter 2--even I'm not that bad). 5-10 minutes of movie time would *maybe* see you entering the classroom, provided they didn't bore you with the actual class. Should I back up to that point? I'm not sure I really want to go into the whole "starting with good morning" sort of thing. Although... maybe some good intro description into the city as she's trying to get *into* the tower could work... could it?

I didn't start with Chapter 1 because I'm not doing chapter 1. It's being done by my friend, whom I'm collaborating with (and I'll post his chapters as well, when/if he gets around to doing them, which will likely start after exams). Our two "groups" don't meet until a lot later in the book, so it shouldn't affect my POV much whatever he does. Basically it's 2 self-contained stories for a good portion of the book. The prologue I'm still crunching through my head; there are a few loose ends that need tied up before I even attempt to put it to paper.

She's in her late teens--close to 17 at this point, though I will admit that I'm *not* female, nor have I had a whole lot of experience with them (and it will likely show, eventually). So, behavior probably needs to be modified, too. Zellenya is a little over 2 years younger than Aliese is.

Interesting contradiction you found... which is difficult, because they're both true. She wants to learn from the best, even if it'll be more problematic if they notice she's there. However, I think the first part is already blown to bits, so it might not matter by round 2.

Aliese's mother is a duchess who also owns one of the top tailoring companies in the country (and is now the only one within Haalestir's reach). Before The Event, she was the one who did all the royal outfitting for all the countries (she's just that good). She's the Gucci of Kalan. :P

And yes, Cloud Dancer is rather befriended by Aliese. I don't know that I'd go quite so far as companion, but the horses in this book are above average intelligence (although not nearly to the level of something like a Pernese dragon, or such). I think I'm going to have her be a bit of a different breed, as well, since she *was* the queen's horse, and they only get the best. Hrm, well, an idea just popped into my head for that, I'll have to run it through my internal video player for awhile and see how it comes out.

So, lots of answers here, and I need to work most (all?) of them in. This is very helpful. As Johnny 5 would say, "Need more INPUT!" :)

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Reading Excuses / Re: Reading Excuses - Nov. 16 - lethalfalcon - Mortal Divinity - Chapter 2
« on: November 20, 2009, 04:43:27 AM »
So it's really that you don't want to see the elements named, not so much that it's moving the air. "Air rune" gives off a bad vibe, even if my that particular rune deals specifically with the air. I suppose it would be akin to making it more subtle.  This I could do, although I worry that explaining the magic would get really cumbersome if I have to say things like:

Quote
Aliese traced the standard horizontal base line, then one wavy line perpendicular. She didn't want the gust to be large, nor extremely powerful. Just enough to tap the cup. Cementing the idea in her mind, she activated the rune.
every time I form a rune.

A part of me *wants* to explain this intricate rune system to the reader, to say "See? See what real magic is? I have a real magic system!"... but I don't want to get caught up in minutia. I think it's similar to how you showed off your sign language. It's cool, it's really well thought out, and I like that kind of detail, but it invokes information overload in a lot of people with short attention spans.

One thing I really don't want to do is get rid of the concept of the elements. I *like* them, so the concept of manipulating them is not going to go away. As I said before, it's one facet, so there might be something there you still like, even if I'm meddling with those old Greek forces. I'll try not to make it sound so cheezy. (Incidentally, I think what gave me the initial idea was Avatar: the Last Airbender, mostly because I think it was a good idea that got horribly downgraded for kids).

And you're right, I'm not a lazy author. I'm a lazy person who *wants* to be an author. Seems there's only enough room for one of those attributes. :P

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