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Messages - Recovering_Cynic

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New draft sent :)

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For those of you who read and reviewed my last draft of this story (all two of you), the first two pages of this draft are the same.  The rest of the draft is entirely different; I re-wrote it with a different setting, tone, and mostly different characters.  It's also about 4,000 words shorter, which should please the masses.  Be brutal in your assessment. 

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Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: May 30, 2010, 05:08:49 AM »
I have something for Monday as well.  I re-wrote my last submission.  Other than the first two pages, it is entirely different (and shorter). 

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Reading Excuses / Re: May 24 - Justice1337 - TheodoraExcerpt
« on: May 27, 2010, 02:27:24 PM »
Quote
Second, I have a problem with the beginning. Usually, when you introduce a new character, you have a sort of mini-hook to get the reader interested (or detesting) that character. You can show off one of their skills, or put them in a dangerous situation, or something. You have her just sitting around, listening to some music and trading banter with the King. To me, this indicates a bit of a boring character, which makes me want to skim through her sections. Honestly, when I read the first sentence, I was hoping that somehow the music was going to be special (magic, or perhaps some eerie Twilight Zone stuff, or perhaps even a lonely person singing about their love that they'd lost and the MC was just hearing in). Instead it's just a performance. Sigh

This is what I tried to say earlier, but Lethal said it much better.

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Reading Excuses / Re: Your Background
« on: May 27, 2010, 05:03:41 AM »
I found out about TWG through writing excuses and I found out about writing excuses through Brandon Sanderson's website and I found out about Brandon Sanderson's website when it was announced he would be finishing the Wheel of Time series.  The fact that he happened to have gone to the same school as me was just icing on the cake.  I don't think he actually started teaching there until right after I finished law school which is a shame.  I was an English Major once upon a time and I would have LOVED to have taken a class from him.

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Reading Excuses / Re: Your Background
« on: May 26, 2010, 08:09:08 PM »
Same boat different ocean.  Got my J.D. at BYU in 2008.  Finishing a clerkship with a judge in Texas, but haven't found anything to do after its done here in three months.  Market is tough as I'm sure you know.  I also want to write full time, but convincing my wife of that will be . . . interesting, even if I do manage to sell a book.

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Reading Excuses / Re: Your Background
« on: May 26, 2010, 03:50:18 AM »
Yay!  Another lawyer!  Evil forces of the world unite!  Where did you get your JD?  Have you done anything with it?  Law was my plan to pay the bills while I wrote on the side.  I've found it harder to write on the side than I thought though.  How do you make it work?

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Reading Excuses / Re: May 24 - Justice1337 - TheodoraExcerpt
« on: May 25, 2010, 05:03:48 PM »
I will agree with everything that has been said--to a point.  Yes, the piece was telly, but I didn't mind it so much.  If this chapter is four or five chapters in, then your reader might not mind so much either.  I'd hold off on ripping this one apart until you've had someone review the book in its entirety.  If you are bent on changing it, you might make some of the infodumpiness become internal thoughts for your MC. 

As to the fight, a little more description would be nice, but not too much is needed, just a smal paragraph here and there. 

There is one thing that bothered me that has not been mentioned.  This piece interested me by the end, but the first four paragraphs put me to sleep.  I know this isn't the first chapter, but if it were, I would have tossed the book after the first page, which is a shame since there is some pretty good stuff here.  I guess my beef is that you might have started the scene in the wrong spot, but I suppose that depends on the audience you are shooting for.  The first few paragraphs are intrigue, petticoats, and singing.  The end is swordfighting.  If you've already had action in your first few chapters, then leaving your swordfighting to the end is fine.  Your reader already knows what he is getting and what will be coming later.  If we haven't seen actiona already, well, you might lose some readers. 

Anyway, well done.  I liked it. 

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Besides, these people have zeppelin level tech with jet engines.

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Reading Excuses / Re: May 24th-Drew P- Untitled Prologue
« on: May 24, 2010, 09:41:46 PM »
Okay, maybe it's the English major in me, but the sentence

Quote
Even here, far back into the tunnel where the sun that splashed against the walls of the entrance could not reach, the noise was overbearing.

bothers me because it's like running a marathon.   Lets look at it:

(1)  The noise was overbearing. 

(2)  Even here, the noise was overbearing. 

(3)  Even here, far back into the tunnel, the noise was overbearing.

(4) Even here, far back into the tunnel where the sun could not reach, the noise was overbearing.

(5) Even here, far back into the tunnel where the sun that splashed against the walls could not reach, the noise was overbearing.

(6) Even here, far back into the tunnel where the sun that splashed against the walls of the entrance could not reach, the noise was overbearing.

My level of tolerance probably ends after about  number (4) or (5).  After that, I start forgetting what you were trying to say in the first place and think that your final phrase should be bumped earlier.

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Reading Excuses / Re: May 24th-Drew P- Untitled Prologue
« on: May 24, 2010, 08:22:01 PM »
Finally got it!  

Okay, so upon finishing the prologue, I had one very important yet lingering question:  Why?  I am scratching my head trying to figure out why you put this scene in your prologue.  Prologues generally serve as a hook or an appetizer to whet your reader's appetite for events to come.  As a hook they will generally describe some awesome historical event that your reader will be dying to know how it turns out, how it effects the whole book (e.g. prologue to The Eye of the World).  As an appetizer, it will generally show off the magic and coolness of your story and is usually used when the main story will start out slow (e.g. prologue of A Game of Thrones).

As far as I can tell, this scene does neither of these things.  It's about a boy who is executed who wants the people to unite.  As an event, it is not significant enough to shake the world.  If there is more importance to it, then I missed it.  

The scene doesn't showcase your magic or your world enough to act as a hook either.  There was a vague hint at a ritual at the beginning, but that's it.  It wasn't anything I hadn't seen already in dozens of other fantasy stories.

Anyway, that's why I wondered why you selected it.  What were you trying to do with this scene?

Ok, now on to the writing.  Your second sentence is a headache.  

Quote
Even here, far back into the tunnel where the sun that splashed against the walls of the entrance could not reach, the noise was overbearing.

Try putting the last phrase at the front and it will work much better.  Also, the perspective of who’s telling the story slips some in the beginning.  This sentence--

Quote
Whether he heard the comment or not was unclear as he calmly went through his Restoration rituals.

--makes it unclear who is telling the story.  Your MC would know whether he heard them or not.

Other than those examples, though, the story was well written.  You write well.  At this point though, I don’t know very well what the story is about, so I don’t have much else to say.



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It's alright.  *I* agree with you. 

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Reading Excuses / Re: May 24th-Drew P- Untitled Prologue
« on: May 24, 2010, 05:35:38 PM »
For some reason, I still haven't received this...

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Reading Excuses / Re: May 24th-Drew P- Untitled Prologue
« on: May 24, 2010, 04:25:44 PM »
There was no attachment to the email.

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Rants and Stuff / Re: I would like to announce!
« on: May 24, 2010, 03:34:48 PM »
I would like to announce . . .

that on a camping trip this weekend, one of my boy scouts got his head lit on fire.  XD

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