Timewaster's Guide Archive

I haven't managed to read (let alone critique) any of this week's submissions, and I probably won't critique anything for the next two weeks, either, but I'd still like to submit next week, if it's all right.

I'll try and catch up again afterwards, I promise.

I absolutely concur that you have to use more pronouns and less names, that would make for a far smoother read, overall. Terri/Teris has already been mentioned (that's what ctrl+f is for, btw ^^), as has the relative convenience of everything that leads to Isaac leaving town and that Alden behaves first like a mysterious chap conveniently driving the plot, then like a complete nutter that Isaac shouldn't be touching with a stick.

Apart from those, I had two main issues. The first being the new concepts you introduce. You name them (Carter, Rider, Echo), but you should invest half a sentence to explain to the reader what they are and why they're called as they are. I get that an echo is a coin, but is it the official name, or just what people call it? That would be an ideal place to dump a bit of info, and would serve to teach the reader a few basics about your world.

The second is more basic, but was the main reason why it was initially hard for me to suspend disbelief. Firstly, all those chores seemed a bit as though Isaac had been told by his mum to go round by the shops, and as if he were walking along with a plastic bag or two. Most of which is caused by the fact that his actions are very much rooted in the present, e.g. ordering a set amount of fish (I would think that the fisherman would have no method of knowing how many fish he can catch the following day). Then there's the fact that it's getting late (and the inn is actually described as having few rooms and mainly entertaining patrons after dark), which to me indicates people having some method of finding their way back home after dark, which in turn implies lighted streets, etc.

The second part of the chapter works much better in that respect. Your aim should be, I think, to emphasise the differences between this world and ours (e.g. describe difficulties that are presented by it which we wouldn't have today), and not the commonalities. Maybe you could have him interact with the bead a bit more, that would also serve to emphasise its importance later on.

Overall good job and, as Silk said, it can easily be fixed.

Oh, and to not have to end on that positive note: Isaac looking at himself in the mirror and conveniently describing his appearance literally had me cringing in figurative agony.

Canadians are SO much worse...

And so much easier to make fun of, eh?

Now that everyone's forgotten about the prologue... tell me what you think.

And, of course, thanks for reading!

I think most of the issues I found are due to your wish to get down the plot and finish the first draft. But while I do get that impatience, you should take care not to overdo it. In this chapter, it seemed very much as though the plot were driving the characters, to the point that they were all rather flat and - in parts - unrealistic.

Garrik, for instance, is overly emotional, going from anger to tears and back within a few seconds, with no transition being apparent. Which would be fine, if that were a constant state. However, he then is perfectly content to let Vardis tell him everything in his own time. What I'm getting at is that if the characters were in fact driving the plot, that whole scene might have gone into an entirely different direction, so you might want to reign in the impatience a bit.

In contrast, the "infodump" (which it wasn't, really) about the Will and such was very nicely done. It fitted in perfectly, and felt as if it was something that had to be said, not something the author felt the reader should probably know at this point.  I think you're handling setting and such quite well overall, first draft or no.

You should consider making the part where Garrik controls the will slightly shorter. By the time your buildup to the branch snapping is done (and the branch snaps), it's quite obvious what will happen, and Vardis' explanation on top of that is fairly unnecessary. So maybe lose one of the sentences describing Garrik's anger and let him realise on his own what Vardis did. You're probably going to completely change that when rewriting anyway, I know, it's just such a pivotal scene that I thought I should point it out.

And to end with a minor issue, you should probably reword the description of how the necklace works. As is, one might think that it conceals Garrik's eyes from everyone but himself, which would make him quite dense for not realising the implications somewhat earlier.


The additional scene you propose sounds good, I'd recommend you put Vardis in it. That way you could better establish that everyone trusts him. Otherwise their letting him wander off with the heir to train him would have appeared somewhat reckless.^^

I'm guessing a deadline.

*ducks*

Which brings up a point. I got the impression that Juno was pretty young. Like younger then fourteen. Is my impression correct?

Biologically, no. But mentally, that's the general area I was aiming for.

I'd suggest staying away from Hyperdrives, they are overused.

I do need them, otherwise large parts of the plot just wouldn't work. And I think mine aren't as cliché as they might be - but I'll let you people be the judge of that when the time comes.

And I agree with Erik that more setting info is a must- or at least a really big WANT.

Duly noted. I think I have a vague idea how to change the first two chapters so they work better as an actual introduction, but I'll leave that to my future self.