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Messages - Flo_the_G

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Reading Excuses / Re: Progress and Submission Reports
« on: December 08, 2009, 10:43:46 AM »
But that explains my lack of progress on anything literary and absence from this August forum.
Bah, excuses, that's not what we're - oh, wait. ::)

I myself personally am currently just shy of 50k, and will continue to be so for approximately 1.5 weeks. I suppose I could cut back on the nonessentials of life and manage both writing and uni, but that way madness lies. Madness, I say!

Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: November 17, 2009, 10:37:43 AM »
Having not checked my RE inbox last week, I can safely say that seeing eleven new, unread submissions all at once induces panic, shortness of breath and nausea.

On an entirely unrelated and not at all hysterical note: for the love of God, people, don't call your files "Reading Excuses.doc" or "Chapter 1.rtf"!

Now if you will excuse me, I believe I have some reading to catch up on. ;)

Reading Excuses / Re: Oct. 19 - Concord - Ch. 14+15
« on: November 12, 2009, 10:43:58 PM »
It's interesting that Von Bredow seems to be the only one who can shield her out.
I'll make a note to dwell some more on this in the next draft, to clarify that a bit.

Should be "repulsed" instead.
I thought so, too, but "revulsed" was the word that first came to mind when typing, so I thought I'd stick with it. "Repulsed" does seem to imply some kind of an actively repulsing agent, which isn't entirely what I was aiming for.

I'm not sure what you mean here.
The latter, she feels reluctance from him, too.

As to the flailing, that shall be fixed in post as well.

The same goes for the pills. I pretty much forgot about them while outlining, so nobody will be doing any analysing in this draft. But they will in the next, even if it only turns out to add a scene or two. I'm also trying to avoid having to research too much at the moment, to be honest. I did make a large note to myself to "DO. THE. MATH.", but to no avail. ::)

Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: November 06, 2009, 09:10:58 PM »
All right, all right, I'll write up a proper summary when next I submit. ;)

Reading Excuses / Re: Oct 19th - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 2
« on: October 26, 2009, 07:53:15 PM »
As I understood it, the "good" philosophy that ryos wants to see is what regular Cerebrants follow, and only the heretics, i.e. the Potencers, use up the soul itself. It seemed quite clear to me when first I read it, but now that I've read the critiques and gone back to read it again, the passage explaining the system seems somewhat confusing.

Anyway, to begin with the bad, there are some words and phrases in there that seem out of place ("no, I'm good", "cool" used not to describe temperature, "in one fell swoop").  I would also agree that you should tone down Tav's thoughts some during the memory scene, although I do think it's a good place for exposition, and you handled that nicely.

What bothered me more about that scene was that the descriptions of the setting came a bit too late. I initially assumed that the lord was part of the besiegers and not the besieged.

That said, I enjoyed the action very much. That might not be saying much, though, as I pretty much love everything that features a bayonet charge. ;D

By the way, will you be addressing the issue of there not being enough souls if the population increases? That was one of the first things that occurred to me when I read about the whole reincarnation deal.^^

Reading Excuses / Re: Oct. 19 - Concord - Ch. 14+15
« on: October 26, 2009, 07:22:18 PM »
Gah, there were a couple other sentences that were awkward to read
Ha, you should have read those before my rudimentary edits. ;D

As to not getting the big picture, I guess it won't kill me to expand the summary for the email slightly.

Repetitiveness is what I usually seem to miss, so thanks for pointing that out. I'll add that to the ever growing file containing things I need to fix. ;)

Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: October 26, 2009, 07:14:05 PM »
I'm sort of on a run at the moment, and want to get as much written as I can while it lasts. And I really don't want to expose you to a wholly un-edited draft. That would be cruel.

Also, I finished my very first chapter-length chapter just now. :)

Reading Excuses / Oct. 19 - Concord - Ch. 14+15
« on: October 19, 2009, 11:26:46 AM »
Following the last few critiques I received, I went back to the drawing board, refurbished my outline, and ended up cutting the Spencer character completely. He'll still make a few appearances, especially later on, but he won't be a main POV-character anymore.  Which is, incidentally, why cahpter 13 is missing. That was told from Spencer's POV and drove home the point you folks made while I wrote it, namely that Spencer sounds far too much like von Bredow.

I also tried my hand at lengthening the chapters, as advised.

So, uh, please find all the other flaws I've cunningly hidden in my latest submission. ;D

Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: October 17, 2009, 02:21:48 PM »
My submission shall come next Monday

I second that motion.

Much of this is probably due to the shortness of the submission, but I found it hard to get a feeling for the setting. Fishing, to me, suggests people with fishing rods. An apprentice suggests fantasy (because they aren't on a trawler), whereas the clock you mention doesn't realy fit in with the fantasy world.

I also thought the boy read as if he were older than nine.

On the upside, you made something as banal as fishing seem interesting and even somewhat exciting when the boy flounders (pun intended) through the river. The middle two POVs are a bit weaker, mostly because their connection to the first one isn't readily apparent (they concern themselves with a minor detail in the first POV, not with something prominent), but you end strongly with the fish, which was unexpected and strange, but could easily have gone on for a few more pages.

By the way, no need to resort to footnotes. The text was clear enough by itself, and wasn't nearly as weak and unclear as it would have had to be for a footnote to be necessary. Quite the opposite.

Now, enough with these writing prompts. Give me the first chapter of a novel about a claustrophobic fish living underground!

Reading Excuses / Re: Progress and Submission Reports
« on: October 05, 2009, 09:17:36 PM »
My little way of saying, "that's a really long outline."

If I remember correctly, you actually said that already.

Edith adds:  Of course you do, Flo!

That's quite the outline, Flo.

I found it a bit hard to get into the story, initially, what with weird abilities, a talking brain, etc. I had also expected the King to be less active, was surprised that Trinnium wasn't an ore, and was equally surprised that the soldiers were armed with muskets (I expected crossbows for some reason).

I did get the whole Trinnium concept, though, and I think its rather clever. Also, the initial difficulties only lasted until I had a vague idea of the big picture, and I'm quite disappointed that this is the entire story. It reads more like a first chapter, and I'd have liked to read the next one, too. ;)

To sum up, I think you need only tweak the beginning a bit. Nicely done.

Reading Excuses / Re: Progress and Submission Reports
« on: October 05, 2009, 03:49:10 PM »
I've finally reached 20k, too, which means the manuscript is now longer than the outline by a third or so.

Also, I may have accidentally outlined two novels. Oops.

Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: October 01, 2009, 06:03:23 PM »
No school is the reason my critiques have slowed down. I always get the most work done on the train on my way to uni. ;D

Reading Excuses / Re: 22 June - Concord - Prologue, Ch. 1 and Ch. 2
« on: September 28, 2009, 09:57:23 AM »
Do you think the issue with the many viewpoints is specific to the beginning? I.e. would reading feel less like work later on if the beginning took longer to set up the various viewpoints? Or (as has been mentioned in one of the other threads, I think) would simply connecting the plotlines take care of that? Say I had character A go someplace and meet B, skip a bit of time and carry on from B's viewpoint.

Or maybe I'll have to simply condition myself to be more patient and write longer scenes. ::)

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