Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.


Messages - Alankria

Pages: [1]
1
Brandon Sanderson / Re: Dragonsteel
« on: March 11, 2007, 09:29:17 PM »
And some comments for the Chapter 2 posted above:  (and, of course, these are my opinion, feel free to take 'em or leave 'em)

The juxtaposition of "It had been twenty-some years" and not much later "by a rough stone wall reaching some fifteen feet high" is a little too repetitive.  I think the 'some' works better in the first instance, and suggest dropping the latter one.  Chances are, as king, she knows the height, so it's not unrealistic to drop the estimative tone to that part of the narration. 

"Didarion been a short time later." -- Missing a word here, I think.

"They grew right up to the edge of the city wall in a full circle around the city." -- Repetition of 'city'.  You could drop either, but my inclination would be to say: "They grew right up to the edge of the city in a full circle around it/the wall."

"Bone white trees, with colorless undergrowth twisting and creeping around the trunks."  -- Could be personal preference, but I would drop the 'with'.  Gives the sentence a more fragmentary feel, which in this instance works. 

"the outsider got halfway through the word before Jend unsheathed his bronze gladius and rammed it into the stomach of the kneeling outsider woman."  -- You need a capital 'T' at the beginning of this.  Also, the word 'got' doesn't flow as well as the rest of the sentence.  Perhaps reword it to: "The outsider managed half the word before....[rest of sentence]"

"The guards held him firmly as Jend pulled the sword free, then he cut at the woman’s neck.  The weapon got lodged in the vertebrae, and it took him three hacks to get the head free." -- A few more flow issues here.  I suggest a handful of small changes: "The guards held him firmly as Jend pulled the sword free and cut at the woman’s neck.  The weapon lodged in the vertebrae, and it took him three hacks to get the head free."

"wherever you’ve left them--and kill them.” -- Repetitiveness of two clauses ending in 'them'.  How about adding 'too' to the end of it, making "--and kill them too."

"The outsider hissed curses at her." -- I think he's more likely to be spitting curses at her.  Hissing sounds a little too passive, too resigned, in my opinion.

"Then, she stood, leaving the screaming peasant behind to yell himself ragged." -- I suggest dropping the word 'screaming', both because you used 'scream' a few paragraphs back and because you say 'yell' later in the sentence, so it's clear that he's being loudly vocal.

More generally, my only criticism is that the opening part of this chapter is a little too infodumpy.  I think you can lose the part about her father-in-law and husband, and perhaps trim the other royal-background stuff.  It's not necessary for readers to understand this chapter, and so soon in the book is a bad place for un-necessary infodumping.   However, the info about the fainlands is good, and can stay as it is. 

Looks like I'll be going against what the others here have said by saying that I like Theusa as a woman.  Granted, I didn't read the version where she was a man, so this is my opinion coming fresh to the story.  But she works.  I'm already very interested in her -- looks like you've a set a strong character here already. 

I'm pretty immune to fictional brutality so that scene didn't make me bat an eyelid, as the saying goes.  Critically speaking, you didn't overplay it; it worked well, for what it is. 

Also, a point about Chapter 1, and again I'm going against the grain by saying that I liked Midius talking to the dead guy.  Perhaps tone it down a little as someone suggested, though to be honest it worked fine for me. 

And now I want to read more!  You've got the start to a good book here. 

2
Brandon Sanderson / Re: Dragonsteel
« on: March 11, 2007, 12:24:52 PM »
Some line-edit stuff for Chapter 1:

"Tendrils of  black poison lay like a network black vines beneath the old man’s skin." -- I don't think you need the "Tendrils of" at the beginning.  Considering the later description, it feels rather redundant, and I think the sentence is stronger without it. 

"He found them to be good listeners." -- This sentence feels too weak.  Also, it's one of three sentences in a row beginning with "He".  I can't think right now of a way to reword, but thought I'd flag it up for you.

"It one  that Midius himself had read time and time again. " -- Need to insert "was" between "It" and "one".

"After all, they sent an assassin after you.” " -- Repetition of "after" in that sentence.  Perhaps say: "After all, they sent an assassin for you.”

Also: near the beginning, when Midius is wondering who will save them now, he thinks You must.  Meaning himself, right?.  But when I originally read that, I thought the body was somehow talking to him.  And if it is just Midus' thought, it feels a little odd for him to refer to himself in the second person.

More generally, I think you have a strong opening chapter with a strong character.  It really drew me in and made me want to read more.  At the moment I can think of any general criticisms, but I'll let you know if any come to mind.

Pages: [1]