Timewaster's Guide Archive

Curious, would it be ok to submit something, but instead of sending a document, sending a link to the story directly on my blog?  I keep everything that I want to share with others there.  I have a second draft of the first chapter of my very tongue-in-cheek story up and would like to get some reads and opinions.  So, if I include a link in email and create a new post for comments here on Monday, would that work?

Very nice.

I often wonder the same thing.  I need to get better at providing constructive feedback.

The one thing I do not want to do is bruise any egos as I know how fragile beginning writers can be, myself included.  Just the fact that you are writing and showing your work to others already means you are above the 99% of people who do not.

And like any skill, with practice, it will get better.  I would personally rather have brutal feedback done in a way that is there to improve my writing.  Not the "you suck, give it up" type, but the "oh my, that sentence stunk, here is how you could fix it." type.

My approach at feedback to date has been to simply read the stories and write down anything that stands out, trusting what my instincts tell me.

Here are my sequential notes I took while reading your story. I'll start off saying that I'm going off of my impressions as I read, so take it as advice from a stranger and filter it appropriately.  I'll try to refrain from offering solutions... though that is always difficult for me as I am learning too, so I tend to think about what changes I would make.

In the first paragraph "but like most people" stood out.  Could go away and the meaning would still be very clear.

Starts off well.  After reading the first sentence, I was asking "why is he sitting at his father's bedside?" - Good... you could even go for throat with "The king was dying." or something stronger as your hook.

I think "King" is only capitalized when it is used in front of a name, like "King George", but if you say "The king ate chicken." it isn't.  Have to check that... hmm...

I stumbled on "He turned slightly, but the attendents were quicker." 

Watch the "ly" adverbs.

"In the gloom Alexander could just make out the line of nose, of mouth among the wrinkles lining his face" - stumbled.

"He looked up and saw that the servant who had answered the door was actually the chief surgeon." Was he at the door that was answered, or the person who answered the door?

"his majesty, your highness." - Confused there too. Who?

Skip the discription of The Lord Commander's office and try to find a way to show me if you can. Like "The generals gathered around a large table in the middle of the Lord Commander's office. Light from a ... faded as it reached for the solid oak walls in the distance.
Guards standing outside the room heard only the faintest of mumbles." - I know, I'm being a little too dramatic, but I hope you see where I am going with this.

"Pale faces met his words." - Good example of showing.

"oh-so-accommodating King Hastin" - If he was accomodating, why was he still in power? Is that sarcasm?

Your thought of guerllia war is good, but 15k heavy foot would create a small encampment and would probably do so in terrian advantageous to them.  Consider that.  You would need to lure them into the trees to gain advantage, or harrass their supply lines.  Just beware of the economic costs of fielding troops.  Some of the other posts covered that quite well.

"The glaring brightness cast.." - another good show example.

You have set up the external conflict. One kingdom standing in the way of an empire. But is that enough? Is there something else that makes your story stand above others? Where is the internal conflict? Where is the interpersonal conflict?

You do have a handle on your writing and it was not at all difficult to read. 

Please note that the questions I asked in my notes are not things you need to give me answers on.  Just things to think about.  Good job. Keep it up.

** NOTE: Do not take any of my opinions personally or think they are particuarly good advice. I only hope they are food for though. **

My notes on Professional Hitchhiker.

It took until paragraph 3 (Isis was a professional..) until I was pulled in to the story.  I think if you started with that paragraph and then worked in the backstory later, it would have a stronger hook.  That was my favorite paragraph in the story. I went from "What is a 'professional' hitchhiker?" to "Oh, a thief... cool."

Watch the "You can", "You would" statements. Show me and make me a smart reader for figuring it out.

Why do I need to know she is 5'8", 139, medium brown hair?  I would find even more interesting if I was shown that she was tiny and frail. 

"and/or" caused me to screech to a halt.

One sentence used "She would"... a few sentences later "She'd" and the following sentence "She would".

"that that" and "had had" are pet peeves, though I have seen many writers use that phrasing.  I'm guilty too.

"The lads" made me stop since you used "boy" earlier.

You could add in a scene to *show* what she does to someone instead of telling it as exposition.

I liked the misdirection.  But, you might think of torturing your characters even more before you end the story.  For example, kill the guy off horribly. Then bring some redemption to your main by having her make the choice of fleeing or saving the boy from the burning, wrecked car and sacrificing her life in the process.

Keep writing and thanks for sharing.