Timewaster's Guide Archive

YES! I also forgot to mention that I loved the skitterfly...great character!

whew...okay...I was going to respond to all the suggestions/comments/etc....but I've gotten so far behind that I'm going to be lazy and only respond to a few...but let me say THANK YOU all for reviewing and taking the time to share your feedback with me. It's been a tremendous help...and all of it is appreciated.

Thanks!

So...first of all...the "Warfare" Han is referring to is not physical wars and battles...it's something else more "philosophical" or "life lesson" related...but the comment on it made me realize I had not provided a way for the reader to know that...thanks!

Second point...thank you all for the feedback related to the sword fighting time...the ridiculous thing is, I've held a sword and swung it and I knew better when I wrote the length of the practice session...but I was apparently struck by "head up my butt" syndrome I have a couple ideas for it...one of which changes the scene a little bit, but may still work and make it a bit more interesting. I will say...the lack of suitable protection is intentional. This is no fencing match...I think of it more as a thrill-seeking experience for the men...not necessarily for the thrill experience itself, but to make them that much better at war...imagine a pilot that logs ALL of his flight time in the real thing rather than simulators...wouldn't he be a better pilot for it?

Brief tangent here...I was watching part of Unforgiven again the other night...and I saw the part where Clint Eastwood's character rode off for quite a long time, leaving his two very small children to care for themselves....like, completely! It reminded me of these men...these men are not you and I...they are not raised on "look both ways when you cross the street" and "make sure you wear a helmet when you joust today"...the world is different, and the people in it are different as well...you want to fight? let's fight! ...think of the beliefs of the dude in the 13th Warrior...when it's your time, it's your time...and all the helmets and armor in the world won't change that...these men believe something similar...

However, having said all of that...your feedback has made me realize it may not be realistic enough to do it that way...or...if I do go that way, I need to make it clear without being telly...but the other idea I had might work as well .

For Han, he absolutely loves Ana...and he has been waiting for an opportunity to teach her...and all of his remarks when he first discovers her are sarcastic or playfully mocking her...which is why he acts like he would NEVER consider teaching her the sword...but then he surprises her by offering to at the end of all that...teasing her...Feedback on that made me realize I need to somehow make that a bit clearer at the beginning of their meeting...

Need to let you know it's night earlier...Absolutely! Sorry about that...

Reaves...regarding the footwork...I don't really know sword fighting...the description was based on a Tae Kwon Do stance I was taught during training as a kid...and the "dragging" is a light dragging, allowing you to put your foot down quickly if attacked while moving...but your feedback made me realize I didn't make that clear...it DOES sound too heavy of a movement. Thanks!

The way you describe Bael as a big, red-bearded man glancing skittishly around makes me think he is insecure. I suppose it doesn't really matter though, because he probably won't show up later, but hey.

Oh, Bael and the entire band is in the book quite a bit  ...remember...they are all fairly young and in training, even though they appear old to 7 year old Ana...Bael is unsure of what's going on because he knows Han...and he doesn't like being in the sword ring without a weapon when Han is up to something...he's trying to smile to the princess, but he's suspicious of Han's motives (he expects something like what Han does to him...turns a 7 year old with a blade loose on him)...I'm hoping that Bael will be a mild source of comedy in the book...just enough for people to say "Hehe...I like that guy"...you kn0w? We'll see...

Anywho...the feedback on this chapter was great...and I'm really excited about how to bookend the chapter that I mentioned above...

I'm going to take the advice and try to really streamline and tweak the memory sequence...see if we can't get the chapter hopping a bit.

Thanks, all!

ok...been gone for a while dealing with virus issues...so couldn't respond...

Let me start with this, maxo:

Quote from: deckacards on Yesterday at 07:47:12 AM
For me, honestly...unless i'm doing a short story and it's relevant/fits, I avoid anything stronger than "shirt"...f*bombs and sexually explicit cuss words may add a little bit more to your character, but at great expense to your story.

I completely disagree. If, like in my newest book, all your characters are at best the scum of the earth then cussing fits. In PHYLES all my characters were well educated, and were always out of a position in which they could curse without repercussions due to class differences. otherwise cussing would've fit there too.

Maxo...let me be clear...if it fits...IF it fits...then you should absolutely cuss...I would go so far as to say IF it fits, then you have an obligation to your story to cuss and cuss as strongly as need be to FIT...

My point is this...many people I read that cuss in their writing (talking unpublished or rarely published here...) do NOT understand the impact a single cuss word can have on the tone of your story. I don't really think you're disagreeing with me...you just said that it fits in one story, so you do it...but in another, it does not. 

Cussing strongly in a story has an impact on the story that many writers do not realize...it just does. In a way, I think this could be made into a "Kill your darlings" discussion...you write a character that you love to write...and you feel that character would use the f*word...and so, you write it...but sometimes a writer has to realize that using the f*word will have an unintended impact on the tone of the story...you want the impact to be localized to a character...but you don't control how a reader will READ the story...and it is difficult to localize the impact of the f*word in a story...it just is....then, you have to make a decision...is it SO important that your character cuss that you risk casting an inaccurate tone on the story? maybe the answer is yes...which could be the definition of "fit"...but maybe it is no...and in that case, even if your character really would say it, you have to kill your darling and cut out the f*word for the betterment of the story.

Okay...what else has been said...

Alright...I guess I'll be your first reviewer

First off...you have a lot of energy to your writing. A professor once told me that and I wasn't sure what it meant...I think I know, now. You clearly care about writing and it shows in your story. There's a lot invested in this story, and it was a fun read.

The story was an easy read...meaning I fell into it and really didn't pull my head out of it until it was over (at least, in chapter 1). It just had that continuous thought feel to it.  I think part of that is good and part is bad...your paragraphs are so long that you don't give the reader a break while reading it...I would suggest breaking it up a bit, pace the story, give your reader a sense of pacing as they read.

Regarding the Prologue: yes, your instincts are right...it does sound much too like Robert Jordan...the first chapter would actually work well for your Prologue. And i would drop the Prologue...it feels like pre-writing...which is good for you to know, but we may not need it right now...but that's me.

Regarding the first chapter, it felt more like a scene than a chapter...for some reason, it just felt like there should have been more - which may be why it felt like a Prologue. And I don't think I know any of your characters, yet...the one I started to get to know died. The other one...I'm not sure if i'm supposed to get behind him or not, yet. He seems like a possible villain...which makes me reserve myself and keep from getting behind him. Is he an anti-hero? Is he a villian? I think you need to let us meet at least one of your primary characters in your first chapter...Who is the story about?

One of the men shouted out, ‘It’s a Soul Taker!’

For the line above, just jump straight to the dialogue...by saying, "One of the men shouted out..." before the actual dialogue, you steal the impact of it.

“Where are you!” His voice screamed at the forest, and the silence in the air screamed back at him. Wham, a

The "Where are you!" is overly dramatic and not very realistic...it sounds like a quick attempt to show frustration and desperation, but I don't care enough about the character to care about what he says...I would keep your fight scene dialogue free...unless the man that kills Arion speaks....that could be cool.

Also, I personally don't like sound words in stories (Wham)...unless you are describing something from a character's perspective...maybe...but even that in limited use...otherwise, it sounds way too much like campy, 60's Batman and Robin effects.

Something was not quite right.

This came out of nowhere...this is something you have to be very careful with...if, for example, your character notices this all of a sudden, and then it leads directly into a change in scene direction, then the reader can see through it and say "Oh...he just threw that in there as a transition to get from A to B"...Long and short of it...if something feels wrong, I think you have to introduce it just a bit earlier...give the reader some sort of clue...and maybe even carry it throughout the scene, at least giving it some sort of presence in the scene until the end when all of a sudden the meaning of its presence becomes clear.

this monstrosity of a man who rendered his own skills useless. 

This is a good example of telling us something you've already done a good job of showing us...if he easily defeats Arion (which, fyi, seems unlikely), then we will know his skills dwarf Arion's.

glad that his plan worked out this well.

This is one of those things where it sounds a bit "hinky"...don't just tell us he had a plan and this was all planned...show us somehow...satisfaction he felt/shows, something about the whole thing that shows it was set up, etc. Show us a few things that show us he planned it...

Okay...finally, you write well...but I can't give a lot of feedback on the actual story yet because I don't feel like I know it...you have a scene and a bit of magic system in it...but i don't know if I've seen main characters or a proper setting, yet.

Ultimately, my biggest suggestion is to try not to be quite so dramatic throughout the story. The story feels as if you have a very dramatic sense of the story...that's cool...but (keeping in mind this is all I've read, thus far) you can't write an entire book/story with a sense of drama in it...at some point, it has to get down on the character level.

Looking forward to seeing where you're going with this!

(Don't be discouraged by the length of my review...I really did like it.)

Okay...here we go...

Reaves, you have a great story here...your characters are real, your environment is rich, and you seem to have a good plot driving the story. When you write, your descriptions are well-thought out and convey your settings very effectively. Good job!

Here's the nit-pickiness...then I'll cover a couple areas for improvement for you...

Slowly, the desert receded

For the first line of your chapter, you can do better. It seems you want to paint a calm tone to the chapter, and i think your instincts are right on that, but this line at the very beginning seems to act as a tranquilizer rather than a calming agent. It may work as the last sentence of the first paragraph...but play with different ways to start it. I like the "meet them where they're at" method...your reader is in the "expect action" or movement mode...immediately starting with this line is like pushing them unexpectedly off a cliff. Instead, start with maybe a description of something calm and subtle Aermyst is doing, then gradually walk the reader down to "Slowly, the desert receded."

desert dragonlizards and night owls, and of course the ever-present sand panthers.

I really think you can do better on the naming of your creatures. So far, it seems the majority of your names are simply two English words put together. Come up with names that don't immediately show me what they are...then, at some point (it doesn't have to be early), describe the creatures in a way (maybe a painting, statue of them...or an encounter...) that makes me as a reader compare them to creatures I know in my head. It's okay to expect the reader to do a little work...in fact, it is better, sometimes.

It was an odd question, one Aermyst had never before considered

I really think he would have considered it before. For example, Stonehenge is something everyone knows about...it's part of history, culture, stories, etc. And I have yet to meet someone who hasn't asked the question, "I wonder what happened?" Instead, maybe Aermyst's reaction could be that it was something he had asked himself, or something he thought he had the answer to because of storytelling he had always heard from someone...not sure about the chapters i haven't read yet, but i know Aermyst would have considered the question before...

The patina of age sat heavily on it; Aermyst could almost feel that this thing was old

You state the same thing twice when once would do...you don't need the second description. However, if you cut it, you may add just a few words to the first part...or rewrite the sentence after it for pacing.

[quote]"It flies!" he said. "What the hell is it?"

This reaction would have come after it first took off...not after he reached a second time. Maybe he can say "It flies!" when it first takes off (with maybe a subtle recoil action...?) and then "What the hell is it?" after he reaches the second time...although I would add just a bit (one or two brief sentences) in between to show the two watching it...taking it in...wondering "what the hell is it" briefly before asking.

Aermyst took another look at the skitterfly. It was roughly angular, and had the look of something carved; he could see tiny blue symbols etched into the ivory-colored object.

Excellent description!!! (I think you want a period...not a semicolon) This description really made it snap into focus in my head. Good job.

The skitterfly seemed almost sad, disappointed

How? Show us how it seemed sad/disappointed...maybe it turned a bit, looking for the dragon fly...maybe it hums and it hummed or glowed a bit less or lower tone...maybe it hovered lower or briefly dipped...

It's alone, Aermyst realized. It's been alone for hundreds, thousands of years, its creators are gone and it is alone

The last part is unnecessary and weakens the thought dialogue by over explaining it.

Also, at one point after that part, you say it "looked"...but it has no eyes...I would say it "turned" towards something/one...

The scene where the two decide to follow the skitterfly is too easy...Aermyst seems to just shrug his shoulders and follow this thing. You might build up to it somehow...I don't know...I think I would introduce the thing in one scene...then have it lead them to the wagon in another scene...having it do both makes it seem like you ONLY introduced the skitterfly to have a way to get them from point A to point B in the story. Readers usually see through that.

Only a few gawked at its swooping antics

Really? Why? This tiny blue thing is glowing and flying around...and it's no big deal to them or the guards...did they mistake it for a dragonfly? I just felt like either more would be looking at this thing...or there is a reason I don't know about that they are not...

At one point, you refer to the face of the skitterfly...maybe I missed it...I don't remember it getting a face...maybe if you refer to a part that Aermyst has decided to think of as the face and say that somehow...

Come, let us find our beds

At times, Tristan's dialogue seems inconsistent...sometimes, it's uptight and lofty...other times it is laid back and very common...for example, the line above didn't feel like he would say it to me...meaning either it or the dialogue before felt out of place...

Ultimately, I didn't feel like the guards would have been fooled by these two. They just claim they are also guards - special, secret guards - and they believe it...I don't buy it.

I think the one thing you could really work on is your dialogue exchanges...you're a good writer, but your dialogue stands out as less than your exposition and description (quality wise)...you want your conversations to sound like real conversations...and there are a lot of aspects to conversations...pacing, meaningless words, dialect, etc. Also, I think we've jumped on the "Late in, early out" philosophy a bit too much...but perhaps more in the dialogue, here...what I mean by that is this...your dialogue, every line, always seems to have a purpose it is trying to get across...like it's not a conversation but more of a "I have to tell you something - here it is - that is all"...not sure...When it comes to dialogue, I usually credit J.D. Salinger's Catcher in the Rye as one of the masters...along with Ernest Hemingway...you might review their dialogue structure, conversation exchanges, etc. And remember...sometimes your dialogue adds to the scene and characters but may not further the plot much...

Anywho...very good job, Reaves...I think the chapter needs to be fleshed-out a bit more...a bit more meat on 'er bones...but a good framework.

Yeah, I struggle with how to bookend it, though without doing two things: 1) I want the way she ended up buried alive to be a mystery until much later in the book...saving it for a specific issue in the book. 2) I don't know how to bookend it without giving Chapter 1 a choppy feel...I hate it when people do that in their first chapters...I usually want time to settle into the character before switching POV or jumping ahead.

Plus...I don't think it would work to have her start the chapter buried, then somehow pass out to have the dream, then wake up again to end the chapter...the only thing i can think of that would cause her to go unconscious in the hole would be sufficating...and if that happens, then she better be found quick or she'll die at that point...and she wouldn't be able to wake up until out of the hole, then...and I'm still left with the "choppy" feel to the chapter...would have at least 2 breaks in the first chapter.

I may try to work on the first part and "spif it up" a bit as well as shorten the scene a bit to address the passivity...although, I will say my writing style does include the occasional passive, get-to-know-your-character-at-rest aspect to it...but I don't want too much...much more action in later chapters.

Hmmm...any suggestions about how to address my concerns above?

Also...regarding the "better part of an hour"...yeah, they're practicing but I originally had the time being about half an hour for the very reason you mentioned - endurance...but I struggle with a seven year old's perception of time...would a seven year old know how long a "half hour" felt well enough to dilineate between hour and half hour? not sure...I may go with a non-specific time frame...

And I LOVE "bloody"!!! I wonder if it will still work just because it is real swearing? UGH! It's also in their for Bael because it is characteristic of his homeland...others would swear differently...have to revisit that...

Finally...the "canvas" smell in both the memory and the final scene was intentional as a connection to memory...but more "after the fact" because of the way the chapter is structured...a tidbit...read the very last line of the chapter AND then read the very first line of the chapter

Question: The memory of Ana's experience with Han is important to her character...but I may be able to put it (because of events)...later in the book (a chapter or two later)...which would you prefer? Remember...taking the memory out of Chapter 1 would "get it going" sooner/faster...but at the expense of not knowing her character near as well until maybe the 3rd chapter...which would be best?

Thanks!!!!

hehe...it's really cool, Hamster...this is perfect...I've gotten used to accepting criticism in a workshop setting, so you're doing exactly what I want you to do...being brutally honest...like another poster once said (jwdenzel?)...if I wanted praise, I would have my mom read it

Thanks for the time and feedback! You directly addressed a few areas I wanted specific reaction to...and a couple I didn't realize I needed...Thanks!

Here it is...rip it apart, be brutally honest...etc.

Thanks for the time!