Timewaster's Guide Archive

Well, any advice is welcomed.  Ascension is probably going to be redone, as when I wrote all these I was on a deadline of three days each.  However, I'm going to go back and take my nice sweet time on it.

If you're referring to me using the same words twice (excluding Dialogue), then it's because I don't pay much attention to that.  While it makes it a little annoying to read, it's not really going to play apart in the Manga/Anime.  That is, unless it's Dialogue that has a problem o_O.  Though I'll probably make sure the words have a smoother flow just the same when I redo it.  It doesn't hurt to get better at actually writing lol.

You say it's not drawing you in, and that you don't find it interesting.  Can you be more detailed on why that is?  I mean, is it Raven (LoL, I knew everyone would dislike him)?  Is it the way I'm telling it?  Can you suggest anything that would give it more life?  Really the main things that I think matter are Dialogue, Imagery, Personality, Characters, and Plot.  I'm sure there's other little details, but those are the main ones I think that should be focused on.  Drawing emotions and showing them seems a lot easier to me than describing and writing about them x_x;.  Though Dialogue would play a crucial role in that...

As for the United Union, Chaos was the one who came up with that lmao.  I even pointed out to him that each word basically means the same thing XD (Might talk to him about redoing that...).   Even though it seems a bit repetitive, I think with some adjustments it should be good for a Manga/Anime.  Since showing is often much easier than telling, at least to me.  Really though, anything anyone can think of that could make Ascension better is definitely welcomed.

Well, I really don't need to say that I'm honest when giving a critique.  That was in absolutely no way meant to be cruel, I stated what I saw wrong with it and attempted to give possible fixes. 

Okay, now after pausing for a couple minutes and giving it some thought, I realize that you are right.  Critiques should also deserve some praise on what's liked about it.  See, when I get my stuff (not just writing) reviewed, all the people pretty much just pointed out what I was doing wrong on it.  I guess it just became natural for me to do it that way.  So, it's not that I'm failing to find things to praise, it's just that I'm not used to doing it that way >.<.  However, that doesn't mean I can't learn to do it differently, which honestly does seem like a better way after thinking on it.


I'll give it another shot right now...
 

+ I liked the detail that was put into it.  To me that shows the time taken on the project was good, also that you're taking it seriously.  Needless to say that time is very crucial to pretty much anything done, especially writing.  I saw from your first post that this was a resubmission.  Now, while I didn't read the first submission, the resubmission tells me you're taking time on this.  Definitely a plus, since I believe that's how great writing happens.  The imagery also seemed nice, and I don't really think I had a problem with that.

+ After reading someone's post about the dialogue, I decided to go back and give that a little read-through.  When I was reading the dialogue it seemed more interesting to me at that point then when you were describing the actions going on earlier (By that I mean it was a lot more interesting when I was reading the dialogue than when I was reading the Prologue, or the start of the Chapter).  So I have to agree that the dialogue is good, nice job there.



- Even though the imagery was nice and the detail was good, a lot of the sentence structure made it difficult to figure out what exactly she was trying to write.  However, once I figured it out, I thought it was good.  From what I read, a lot of things could have been structured better to give it a smoother flow.  I think I gave examples on that in my post above Frog's.  Sentence structure and flow are crucial elements, at least in my opinion.

- It didn't draw me in, and I'm not sure what it was about it that caused that.  Thinking on it, I believe it was the structures of your sentences (Yeah, I know you're probably tired of hearing me say that and wanna sock me for it >.<) and the way you told it through your writing.  It just felt lacking to me from the way you told it...



Hopefully you find this more helpful than my all negative critique o_O;  Though, I do feel like I should say that I didn't mean for anything to sound ridiculously cruel.  I simply stated what I saw wrong with it from how I was used to doing things.  So, I have to ask for your patience, as I will get better at doing it differently from now on.


Frog- I have to say, everything you said I found to be true.  So I hope you find the above a more acceptable way of doing things.  Though, like I said above, you're probably gonna need to be patient while I get better at doing the whole critique thing a little differently =P.

From space, the world was still blue. Mostly.

I think you can just combine those.  I mean, the Mostly. just seems unnecessary.  Maybe try: From space, the world was still blue, at least for the most part.  In my opinion it sounds better, but maybe experiment I guess?

There were green smatterings of land here and there among the blue, just as there always had been, but it was still mostly blue.

Next, I have to say I really don't like the word smattering you used there.  I'm not sure what it is about that word and how it's used, but it feels weird lol.  Maybe it's just me...  If you decide to use a different word, you can always go to Rhymezone.com, which I've found exceedingly useful when I just can't think of the right word.  Although, it could just be me, but I did ask the opinion of a friend who did agree.

The color stayed the same. It always stayed the same.

Once again it just seems like you can combine that into a better sentence structure.  Maybe: The color stayed the same as it always did.  Though experimenting is fun lol.

They didn’t expect a fight for power with nature, yet that was what happened.

Sorry if I seem really really picky about sentence structure, but I have a problem with this one too.  What if you tried: They didn't expect a fight for power with nature, yet it was inevitable.  Sounds better in my opinion.

Disappear and reappear instantly wherever.

I don't like how that's worded, but I don't really have any suggestions...

The same black tint in the sky which proved the existence of smog cleared up, and all of a sudden city-dwellers could see the baby blue color of the sky rather than the blue-black color of the smog-filled atmosphere.

Seems really long and sorta confusing.  I think if you put a period after "smog cleared up", you could do something better with the next sentence.

It also made for strange requests, like at-home births when a birth could take place at virtually any hospital in the world.

Sorry, confusing to me on how it was worded.  Though I don't really have any suggestions, but I guess it's just how you worded it.

The home was in a Long Island suburb about forty-five miles east of Manhattan, and the day was 21 December 2319, a little over 27 years after the Coalition’s breakthrough with the transportation system.

I think a period after "Manhattan" is needed, and then you can do something better with the following sentence if you'd like.

A man, presumably the husband of the woman, for he wore a ring on the third finger of his left hand, stood at the head of the bed, pressed against the wall.

Definitely seems like way too many commas in that sentence...

In the home, the baby crowned. Outside the home, the black, star-flecked sky flashed a brilliant white.

I believe you can combine those with a comma after "crowned" and the word while...

But although they may have missed the astronomical anomaly, only to read about it the next morning on the front page of the paper, many others were not so distracted as to miss such an event.

Starting a sentence with the word "But" equals uncool.


Okay, sorry if this sounds really mean.  However, I really can't read anymore of the prologue here.  It's really boring in my opinion and it's failing to draw me in.  It seems bland and plain, so I definitely think it's something you should work on here.  Sorry, but it's really really lacking... So,  I'm going to move on past the prologue.

When balance was once again only relatively restored, she glanced around quickly to see if anyone had noticed her close encounter with the ice.

How you started it off throws me completely off.  By that I mean it's worded awkwardly and could use some work.

She sighed, cursing the boots she was wearing for their lack of traction.

If Chaos has drilled ANYTHING into my head, it's that the word was is usually a last resort.  You can easily say the boots she wore and avoid using "was".

Snow meant ice. Ice was slippery.

Snow meant ice, and ice was slippery.

And yet, her boots had no traction.

You started off the sentence with the word "And" which also equals uncool.  Maybe say Yet her boots had absolutely no traction whatsoever.

She looked back up toward the building, noticing that even though she’d only taken a dozen small steps, it loomed nearer.

I don't like the word "nearer" there.

Then she realized where he was. Not on the sidewalk, but next to the sidewalk. In the snow.

That entire thing just doesn't flow well, as you can combine some stuff there.  I think you should experiment more with that sentence and try and redo it.

Snow wasn’t ice. A person didn’t need much traction to walk in snow.

You can combine these!!!  Simply put a comma after "ice" and add in the word "so".  Although, it could be redone a bit, such as: Snow wasn't ice, so a person didn't need much traction to walk through it.  Or at least something like that sounds better in my opinion.

A little smile lightened up her face and she looked down, noticing how deep the snow was.

Once again, sentence structure isn't up to par.  A little smile brightened up her face, as she noticed the depth of the snow.  Sounds better and flows well.

The deepness hadn’t mattered on the shoveled sidewalks, but off the path, the snow was drifting over two feet.

You can use "depth" instead of deepness which sounds weird.  Also, that entire thing sounds awkward and doesn't flow.


Okay, honestly I'm gonna have to stop reading here.  It's all really bland, plain, and lacking.  I think a big portion of it is the sentence structures that you used.  I'm really not finding myself being drawn into this at all, and I'm feeling like it's a chore to be reading it.  It needs life, excitement, more feeling.  I want it to pull me in and keep me in, read it and can't wait for the next part.  I'm really sorry to say that it just fell flat for me...

Apparently since Chaos told me I needed to create a topic, here it is.  Now the next installment of Ascension can be eaten alive =D lol. If I remember correctly, Chapter three had a lot of fighting, so the normal "Violence" rating might be an understatement >.< hehe... Anyways, I'll dropkick myself into silence so you can have at it =3.