Timewaster's Guide Archive

Ok, first of all...probably one of the best stories I've read...as far as writing goes.  The story however (for me) was boring.  But don't take that personal as I don't care for magic systems, knights, fighting or fantasy writing. 

*Now that most people here dislike my taste* ONTO THE CRITIQUE!

Ok, I'm going to be very picky only because there is little to critique, that is to your credit.  You are a very good writer.

Surrounded by high stone walls, it was lit with only the single fire pit and the soft light of the full moon high overhead.

You seemed to mention the fire pit numerous times, I think we got it the first time.  (Like I said...it's really just picky stuff)

I felt the following two sentences were great...but out of place.  I just seemed strange to read those in the way and place you put them.

Occasionally, she caught a glimpse of a random star on what had become a cloudy night.

His advice – casually offered here and there - was readily accepted and applied by his students.

Ok, this is really a lame thing to point out, but you use the same verbage really close to each other. 

barely leaving any room for his opponent

and then just a few sentences away you say

barely sparing any energy for defense

I noticed that any time the girl is asked something she always responses the same way: 

She nodded that she understood.

 

She nodded that she understood, then slowly repeated her uncle’s movements.

 

Ana nodded, not sure she could speak.

 

in her uncle’s voice…then nodded that she understood

 

Ana’s heart leapt into her throat as she nodded vigorously.

 

Ok, I liked the way your wrote the buried alive thing...but I don't like how it plays in the story.  I like that she fast forwards 15 years but it seems too rushed that she is buried alive and doesn't know how she got that way.  It was odd and jarring for me.  I personally didn't care for it, but I do like how you wrote it.  Hope that helps.  Great work.  I look forward to reading more from you.

Ok, good story.  Not much I can add except for a few observations.

There were a lot of sentences where you say something then threw in a comma and then say "and blah blah blah".  Let me show you some examples:

His eyes flickered between emerald and black before standardizing to grey, and he surveyed the devastation he had wrought.

The once exquisite walls were reduced to crumbling walls of ash, and his throne was a ruined mess of fire-blackened metal.

Coarse laughter drowned out all the sounds around him, and he was oblivious to the fire and death as the voices...

To me it just seems like the ", and blah blah" was added as a forethought.  It is very strange and leaves the reader going.....whhhhaaaa?

I agree with the others, you need to break up the paragraphs.  Readers get overwhelmed easily and see block after block of unbroken text and we get repulsed easily.

Description is good, and you are very good at it, but look at how much you put in this one paragraph...to me...it's too much. 

The dark around the area was thick and viscous; no forest life could be seen. A solitary figure crouched in the shadows, granite eyes glinted from beneath his hood, taking in his surroundings.....He was like a gargoyle, rooted to the spot, not a single movement, patient as stone.  His head tilted suddenly, like a creature from the forest, as he listened intently, eyes turned toward the rough dirt road ahead of him.

Use description to SHOW us not tell us.  For example, don't tell us his looked like a gargoyle.  Say something like, "Motionless he sat, rooted to the ground, his eyes penetrated the darkness scanning for his prey." Something like that...but more coherent than my sentence.   

You are a good writer, so keep up the good work.

People! People! People!

Nobody needs to feel bad for only doing 1 or 2 critiques a week.  Critiquing ALL submissions is asking too much and is NOT a requirement to be in this writing group.  There are plenty of critiques given each week that no one should feel obligated to do more than 1 or 2 (IMHO).

I have skipped around from one submission to another, never staying with one in particular, and thanks to the good brief synopsis left by each submitter, I can jump right into the story having never read the previous submissions. 

READING EXCUSES ROCKS! 

Sorry, couldn't help myself.  I was just wondering how many critiques everyone is averaging a week.  I think a good follow up poll after this one would be, "Do you feel like you get enough critiques for each submission?" 

The point of this poll isn't to see how bad we are doing (cause I personally think we are doing awesome!), I just want to see what the average is for curiosity sake.

 


M

Ok, I'm  tired and don't have time to read the other replies, so this may be very repetitive. 

First of all, there are MANY typos, sentence fragments, grammar errors and punctuation mistakes.  You should comb through this and weed all those out.  I found myself looking for errors and not paying attention to the story. 

Ok, just a few things. 

I....said that I could tell what stock was used in any of your ciders by the taste father when we were here a couple of weeks ago father.

  This makes no sense and why the use of 'father' twice?

His son had been kidnapped.

  Hold on.  A little dramatic and over-reactive if you ask me.  He didn't even wonder he just went straight to KIDNAPPING.  Maybe ease into this and show the fathers worry progress until he starts to accept the horror that no parent wants to accept.  Yes, as a father if I don't know where my daughter is...I immediately get nervous...but my thoughts don't go flying off the handle.  I wouldn't assume kidnapping so fast.

His arms and legs were stiff and his stomach churned from fear for his son and his wife.

Why the wife?  I know the next sentence says she is waiting for him....but why is he afraid for her?  Shouldn't he be sick to his stomach that he has to tell her the news....not afraid for her.

Ok, this kinda made me laugh, think about this sentence.

“I go by Dahael sir, but others have called me worse.” he said after a minute.

  "He said AFTER A MINUTE."  Put yourself into the story.  If someone waited a minute to answer you...you would start thinking they were strange after 10 seconds. 

Ok, overall impression...I like it.  I like the intro, it was a little boring with the father/son vinyard thing, but you got the story going fairly soon, so good job.  I like the feel to your writing.  I think it flows very well, something that many RE submitters struggle with, myself included.  I like the story in that you haven't revealed EVERYTHING in the first chapter, in fact...I don't know what the plot is, so in my opinion you nailed this perfectly.  So many RE submitters tell us EVERYTHING in the first chapter that we know what is going to happen from the get go.  Great job.  Focus on cleaning up the writing and I think you are good to go.

Just wanted to let everyone know why I didn't submit this week.  My wife developed a serious case of pneumonia and due to her weakend immune system from the chemotherapy, she was admitted into the hospital.  I have been by her side since Friday and up until now have not been near a computer.  I apologize for missing my submission date, but I know you all are very understanding. 

You know, like I said, I have only read your first chapter and this one so keep that in mind. 

I was trying to get across that Jason also thought he was still on earth.  And that it was surprising to him to find that he might not be.  Did I accomplish that, or was I just too confusing?

Coming from my standpoint, I didn't know where he was, so I'm not much help here.

The thing about Angel is that Jason thinks of her as his wife.  Could I do a better job of getting that across?  Maybe foreshadow it better or have him think about it more?

I say no.  In fact, I think you said too much to be perfectly honest.  I think your MC said that she reminded him of his dead wife like 3 or more times.  I don't think you need to foreshadow anymore than you already did. 

And the scarecrow thing...just me...but I liked it.  It made it more mystical and jarring.  I was like, "Where the heck is this guy that they don't know what a scarecrow is?"  If you remove it, it's not the end of the world, but personally it made me think.