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Reading Excuses / Re: June 20- Skyhunter Commander - Untitled Sci-Fi Epic Chapter 5
« on: June 27, 2011, 02:32:25 AM »
I'm still new around here, so I hope I'm actually critiquing you on what you want to be critiqued on. First, I think your chapter flows well. You don't get bogged down too much as the story progresses.
I don't know why, but the term "standard" in referring to time seems awkward. I know you're ppointing out that time would be different for each planet, but it slows things down a little when you use it with every time-related word. IMHO I think that in a civilization that has had to incorporate different methods of recording time they would have an accepted stadard hour anyway that everyone would just call an "hour" or a "click" or a whatever. Just my opinion though. To be honest, I am working on a story myself where I have used the term "common hour" and after reading this I think I will strike "common" out of it.
This sentence seems awkward. Sorry, can't say why other than it's a little complex and uses the word "conquest" twice: “. . . I only thought to use them to make our conquest be completed swifter, so we will be able to move on to the next conquest."
Typo: "burst," not "bust."
When Darkclaw is speaking to his commander-lord after they have gotten the factory up and running he mentions he has seen what the place is capable of, though in reality, if I followed right, he had only seen the one room he was led to in the dark ,then the command/throne room right above it. I know he had just seen what it was supposedly able to do from the first room, but not a lot of time was spent on this to impress me, the reader, of the stations output potential. Just my opinion there, though.
For the most part, you do a good job of showing and not telling, though there is some room for improvement. Saying something as simple as, "The airlock hissed open," would help do this more than taking the time to describe it in more detail. I use this as an example, because as the reader I really don't care much about how much he doesn't like the airlock or how inferior of an airlock it is. It just doesn't seem important to the story to draw that out, hence my using that sentence as an example.
All that said, I am drawn into the story, and that's what counts. I think science fiction is especially difficult to write because the world usually requires some explanation but taking time to explain how things work detracts from the story. For the most part you do avoid this trap.
How the lord-dude communicates with Darkclaw is done very well, too.
I don't know why, but the term "standard" in referring to time seems awkward. I know you're ppointing out that time would be different for each planet, but it slows things down a little when you use it with every time-related word. IMHO I think that in a civilization that has had to incorporate different methods of recording time they would have an accepted stadard hour anyway that everyone would just call an "hour" or a "click" or a whatever. Just my opinion though. To be honest, I am working on a story myself where I have used the term "common hour" and after reading this I think I will strike "common" out of it.
This sentence seems awkward. Sorry, can't say why other than it's a little complex and uses the word "conquest" twice: “. . . I only thought to use them to make our conquest be completed swifter, so we will be able to move on to the next conquest."
Typo: "burst," not "bust."
When Darkclaw is speaking to his commander-lord after they have gotten the factory up and running he mentions he has seen what the place is capable of, though in reality, if I followed right, he had only seen the one room he was led to in the dark ,then the command/throne room right above it. I know he had just seen what it was supposedly able to do from the first room, but not a lot of time was spent on this to impress me, the reader, of the stations output potential. Just my opinion there, though.
For the most part, you do a good job of showing and not telling, though there is some room for improvement. Saying something as simple as, "The airlock hissed open," would help do this more than taking the time to describe it in more detail. I use this as an example, because as the reader I really don't care much about how much he doesn't like the airlock or how inferior of an airlock it is. It just doesn't seem important to the story to draw that out, hence my using that sentence as an example.
All that said, I am drawn into the story, and that's what counts. I think science fiction is especially difficult to write because the world usually requires some explanation but taking time to explain how things work detracts from the story. For the most part you do avoid this trap.
How the lord-dude communicates with Darkclaw is done very well, too.