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Reading Excuses / Re: July 25 Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch14
« on: August 19, 2011, 05:48:50 PM »
Octopi have better camouflage than chameleons that was the logic I used. It's not necessarily a well-known fact, though, so perhaps I should mention that at some point in the novel.

As for his logic, I should probably re-write a lot of what he said. Part of his rationale is religious he takes his eight strictures seriously, so he sees killing Jhuz directly as a sin, but still needs him dead. The other part is because he isn't telling Jhuz everything about his contract ( he actually was hired by the same person who had him assassinate the Emperor's bodyguard, among other thing ).

Reading Excuses / Re: July 11 Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch13
« on: August 18, 2011, 05:09:25 PM »
Thanks for the feedback!

I think there's a little confusion on what I said about the POV characters. This only my first write, so I decided it would be easier on me to focus on one POV at a time. So once I'm done with Jhuz' story I'll start writing Lisu's, and then Duko's. But the finished product won't be read that way; it'll go much  like a standard epic does I'll have one Jhuz, then one Lisu, then one Duko, and then start over. So if you got this far in the finished book, you would already have read a 12 or so chapters of the other 2 characters. Does that clear things up?

2 great critiques above me; not much to add, really.

I had a lot of trouble trudging through this, and it's for most of the reasons they mentioned. the 'dialogue' is a bit off, I felt, and having the only real character as Serra for the entire first chapter is going to be a huge turn-off for a lot of readers. The title makes me think a good portion of the book will be spent with just serra, so I don't want to just tell you to put another character in this chapter, but I really think it will hook people in if you give Serra a companion.

Your world is pretty intriguing, though as they said you could probably show it off a little more strongly. The aberrant lands is a good enough name for a location it's unique, and bit strange in a good way. I just feel like real people in your world would have a slang for it that they use more frequently than 'the Aberrant Lands.' perhaps just the Aberrant. Just a thought.

Anyways, I do still want to read, if only to find more out about your world, but without more interesting dialogue I might get tired of it quickly.

Reading Excuses / Re: April 25 Hubay Lord Domestic Ch 9
« on: August 17, 2011, 04:47:26 PM »
Hmm, you know I actually struggled with good title for 'airmen' I only settled on it because it was parallel to 'footman' perhaps something like Aeori or Aviori would be more suitable for the setting. Thanks!

Reading Excuses / Re: 8/15/11 - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 2
« on: August 16, 2011, 03:10:23 PM »
I really enjoyed this chapter, and the conflict it creates for Tavaris. First, his desperation over aveline borders on the pathetic in a good way. I feel like a lot of people have been in a situation or known someone who's held on to a relationship far to long after it's over, searching for a reason to explain why it failed. I also feel like it's impossible for him to get back with her, the way you've set this up so far, so I see part of his character arc will be letting her go rather than getting her back. I also love the religious/personal conflict of his past life.

He might be as self-pitying as Medora, but I think I like him more as a character because he still manages to be funny.

All that said, I found two parts confusing. As sacred as this rite seems to be, Tavaris snuck out of the line to look at the chimp far too easily. It might be more reasonable to just have him whisper from the line, and then have renn threaten him for breaking decorum.

I didn't mind the flashback, because it doesn't real constitute one. But the setup confused me. I can assume parts were intentionally vague, but I never quite understood what the treaty covered. My biggest problem, though, was trying to figure out if jenna and el were from the same country, or merely of the same faith and in an alliance. I think it was an alliance, and that El's country would be the next to fall a sort of chamberlain and hitler setup but i wasn't sure if seria was a religion or a country. You've been subtle with most of your exposition, which is good, but i think in this case you could have been a tiny bit more clear. I was only able to figure this out on my second read-through, when i was deliberately looking for answers.

Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: August 15, 2011, 01:16:14 AM »
I'm glad we're getting so much traffic right now. I think I'm going to reserve a spot for a week from tomorrow.

Reading Excuses / Re: 8/7/11 - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter One
« on: August 13, 2011, 01:38:06 PM »
The part that really struck me about the gemswords was when you described them as being worth a fortune, and being works of art, but Saril uses them to kill. The wording just ran too close to Sanderson's prose. Although I suppose the fortune bit could be explained just by the material. But yes, It's hard to make magical swords that don't sound like other magical swords.

The bit about the racism I mentioned was how the black-skinned and white-skinned people react so differently to the sun, and have to countermeasure's to it's heat if necessary. The way you described it, they're both humans, but they differ physiologically more than, say, an african and a scandinavian. It's like you took the idea behind skin pigmentation which at it's\ heart is a means to adapt to different intensities of sunlight and raised it to a magical level.

Reading Excuses / Re: 8/7/11 - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter One
« on: August 13, 2011, 12:59:18 AM »
I don't have much to add here. I enjoy stories with a bit of a learning curve, and your world seems to have it. You've mentioned, without a great deal of explanation, Cerebrance, Suggestions (which may or may not be Cerebrance), Gemswords and possibly other sapphire-related magic, the Demon Cloud, the Sanctuary, an issue with sunlight that might go beyond mere white/black racism, and the concept of god. I like all that, even though it's a lot to consider. There's also the matter of the medora's history AND her past life.

You've got several awkward turns of phrase, and they're mostly from when medora's thinking. I'd watch those parts to see if you can word them more smoothly.

The gemsword bit and you describe it runs dangerously close to Sanderson's Shardblades. I don't think i need to tell you that. Part of it might just be how it's described, however, and if they function a lot differently than you should make that apparent as soon as possible.

I never got bogged down in the exposition, which is good. The only thing that bothered me is the whole setup that allows Medora to get in a position to attack Haiden in the first place. They're clearly enemies, and I'm amazed with their history people expected them to just pleasantly chat. If Haiden didn't want her to attack and his suggestions indicate that he should have been better guarded.

I would like to see some more action by now. It doesn't have to be a battle or fight, even just something sudden or expected to impact the plot. An assassination attempt would do nicely, as would a training bout with undercurrents.

Your temples' value system is constantly reminding me of the guy in donnie darko who tries to fit everything along the continuum of Love and Fear, disregarding any other emotion or motivation. Albione or another character might want to think about that; instead of just being frustrated with the value system, think about alternatives: Have albione think "What about jealousy, or hatred, love or anger. There's more to the world than just cowardice and valor" (reworded, of course). Concrete examples about why he has trouble with the value system will sound a lot more realistic than "I don't understand." You could also have an inner debate, where he tries to refute that and uphold the system. After all, jealousy could just be the act of being too cowardly to accept who you are and what you have. Greed is being to cowardly to work towards what you want. You actually could fit everthing into cowardice/valor, if you define it clearly enough. But right now, we don't see that level of philosophical thought; we only see Albione confused and inactive.

Anyways. Are there alliances amongst your gods? The god of healing and life sounds like it has something in common with Alazon, seeing as how Albione has healing powers.

Is there any problem or racist inherent in being a half-elf? I felt like that could be mentioned: People giving Aetherial glares because they're reminded of their dead friends and are too ignorant to know the difference between a light and a dark elf. That sort of a thing.

Lastly, I like your idea of agnosticism in a world where the gods clearly exist; I'm intrigued as to how you'll define atheism and heresy.

Reading Excuses / Re: August 8 Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch15
« on: August 12, 2011, 06:29:54 PM »
Yeah, They will be simultaneous eventually. I just found that writing 3 POV's at once got difficult and confusing.

Thanks for the feedback! I'll get around to everyone else's stories later today.

Books / Re: Does anyone remember this series?
« on: August 12, 2011, 06:20:12 PM »
Hah! Thanks Sigyn. I'll have to pick it up at the library now.

Books / Re: Does anyone remember this series?
« on: August 12, 2011, 07:29:47 AM »
Haha, thanks anyways. I put up a thing on Goodreads but I didn't get a response yet; thought I'd see what you guys came up with.

Books / Re: Robin Hobb
« on: August 12, 2011, 12:18:03 AM »
But yeah, follow Peter's advice on this one.  Or just read Adrian Tchaikovsky and call it good!

Always good advice, haha. If you aren't sure you want to read a series, just scrap it and go for shadows of the apt!

Books / Does anyone remember this series?
« on: August 12, 2011, 12:15:13 AM »
So, I'm trying to remember the name of this series I read as a child. I believe it was a trilogy, but I don't remember the fine points so I'll just give out random details and hope someone recognizes them.

The main character wins a crown at the very beginning of the book by beating someone at riddles. He can then use this crown to win the hand of a princess (her father promised her to whoever returned it to him). He then decides to travel north to see some master of ... something. But the master doesn't help him, because it's actually an impersonator. The real master is a harpist or something at the impersonator's court.

The second book involves these creatures coming from the sea that can take different shapes. The princess gets captured by them and as a result learns to change shape too.

The main man completes a variety of trials that get him a star-sword and other things, which basicly prove he's the heir to the master from the north. He also learns to take different shapes, or something like that.

The end of the series is when he fights the impersonator on top of a tower, and defeats him by taking the shape of wind. He lets the imposter live.

Anyways, I really don't remember many of the details, but I do remember loving the series. Is this ringing any bells with anyone?

Reading Excuses / August 8 Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch15
« on: August 09, 2011, 04:07:28 AM »
Woo! we have a loooot of submissions this week.

Anyways, here's the second half of last time's chapter. a couple notes: it probably feels like I've introduced several characters late in the game. As i've mentioned before, Jhuz is only one of 3 POV's, but i want to write them seperately so i can focus more on the character arcs. Lisu is one of those POV's. Also, i can't have jhuz stay in camp for too long because in another chapter/chapter and a half i need him back with the legion to keep the story moving. So while i want the part where he's prisoner to feel important and have an impact, i don't want it to last very long. Hopefully I can balance those two out. Let me know what you think!

Hubay Lord Domestic Ch. 15 (L, S, V)
2,500 words

Summary  Jhuz has been captured by Hex, an octupos-metsi assassin.

Synopsis Jhuz wakes up outside the Nothroi encampment.

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